being a grier

chapter eight

i pulled kian further into the hug as he chuckled. "so what brings you here? did you join nash on the tour?" connor asked.

"connor!!" i yelled running into his arms. he pulled me further into his hug as my smile grew. i hate to say it but i was closest with connor over everybody else. he had a huge role in my life. he was the one who really encouraged me to start social media which caused me to encourage the boys to start their platform.

i heard the door open again as i turned around i saw hayes. "hey sorry i just wanted to make sure ryder was ok." hayes mumbled. "see ya grier's. ryder text us." jc said as i walked out of the room waving good bye. i looked over at kian to see him smiling. and right then and there i decided i needed to move on.

we walked back to the room to see the guys in the same position they were before we left. "sorry old friends." i mumbled sitting down. "it's ok don't worry about it ryder. it's johnson's turn." shawn said sending me a reassuring smile. "thanks shawn." i replied then a light bulb went off in my head. "shawn, johnson, jack. i just came up with an idea." i said.

"and that would be." jack said. "us four should sing at the show next week or a different time." i suggested. "that's a great idea." jack and jack said at the same times as shawn agreed. "ok um let's see ryder truth or dare?" johnson asked. "truth." i responded deciding to take the easy alternative. "is ryder your middle name or your first name?" johnson asked. "it's my middle name just like nash and hayes'." i responded. "well what is your first name then?" johnson asked as i laughed. "you already used your truth johnson." i replied. "oh come on." johnson said disappointed. "she hates her first name." hayes said backing me up. "it can't be that bad." johnson replied.

"ok fine." i said as the boys cheered. "kai." i responded. "it's really unique i like it." shawn said making me smile. "it's a boys name but thank you." i said. "i actually think kai is better then ryder." nash said as i rolled my eyes again. 

"maybe i'll start going by kai soon." i said making the boys laugh. "ok umm. matthew truth or dare?" i asked. "dare." matt responded as a few of the boys screamed. "i dare you to let me tweet anything. and you have to keep it up for twenty four hours." i said as matthew shoved his head in his hands. "come on espinosa hand it over." i said holding my hand out.

he placed his phone in my hands as i tweeted, just found out ryder's first name is kai. just made her 100x hotter. retweet if you agree."

i laughed as i handed matt's phone back to him. he read it as his eyes went wide. "i think that's enough for tonight." nash laughed as i nodded my head. truth or dare was fun but my mind was spinning with several questions. this whole magcon tour was starting to become a lot. even though we had only been on one stop the constant bombarding of the fans got annoying. i loved them but they needed to chill the fuck out.

"i uh need to get some food. i'm gonna take the rental. i'll be back in a bit." i said a bit flustered grabbing the keys to the rental rushing out of the room before anyone could stop me. i don't know what happened but a sudden rush of anxiety fled into my blood stream.

i ran to the garage to find the rental. my hands started shaking as i true to unlock the car. i kept loosing the key as my hands started to tremble more. once i got ahold of the key i couldn't fit it into the lock. my hands were shaking way too much.

after several minutes of struggling i managed to stop my hands from shaking as i fit the key into the lock. i unlocked the car and quickly put the key into the ignition. i started the car as i pulled my hoodie over my head. i plugged in the AUX cord and blasted music.

i needed to drown out my thoughts. before my brothers became what you could call famous i was diagnosed with anxiety. i don't know where it came from or the cause of it. it just happens at random moments and it can only be stopped by deep breaths and alone time.

and that's what i needed right now. i drove down random roads not knowing the city at all which was a little dangerous. after a while of driving i ended up at a coffee shop. i walked into the shop with my hoodie still over my head in fear of someone noticing me and the anxiety becoming worse.

"what would you like today?" an elder lady asked. "i-i'll take a-an iced van-vanilla latte ice-iced." i said stumbling across my words. "ok that will be $3.63." she said smiling. i pulled out my wallet fumbling for my debit card.

my hands were shaking so bad to the point where i physically could not pull the card out of its slot. "i-i'm s-sorry." i mumbled becoming embarrassed. "it's ok sweetie. i'll cover the drink. sit down over there and i'll be there in a minute." she said kindly pointing to a bar stool.

i followed her instructions and made my way over to the small barstool. i held my hands in my lap as i tried to stop them from trembling. after what seems like forever the elderly lady came and sat down next to me with my coffee in hand. 

"t-thank y-y-you." i said as my cheeks heated up from my state. "of course dear. do you have anxiety attacks?" she asked taking my hands out from my lap and holding them in her own.         "y-ya. th-they ge-get real-really b-bad." i stuttered as i felt tears in the brim of my eyes. 

i hadn't had an anxiety attack for a good year and i was finally off my medicine. just when i thought everything was perfect this was happening to me again. the diagnosis shook my world, but explained a lot. the constant trembling in my hands and the weight loss. 

"it's ok love. i used to have them when i was your age. jus take deep breaths with me. inhale," she said as she drew in a breath. i followed her actions. "and hold it." she said as i held my breath. "and exhale through your mouth." she said still holding my hands. 

we did this a few times before my symptoms started to decrease. we did it a few more times before the attack completely stopped. "thank you so much." i said pulling her into a hug. if she didn't know what to do i would've still had my attack.

she hugged me back and spoke, "i know this may be uncomfortable but, for me what helped for my anxiety attacks to completely stop was to talk about the reasoning behind them. i can listen to you or if you want to talk to a family member as well."

i shook my head, "no i would love to talk to you about it. if that's ok." i said. "i'm here to listen." she said softly letting go of my hands since they had stopped trembling. "so. my older and younger brother recently got famous on an app called vine," i started. 

"i had my own account as well so in a way i share the popularity. we were invited to tour the country and meet all of our fans. i had always been used to my fans seeing me through a screen but now that's its in person and we're gaining popularity it's a lot to handle."

"i can imagine. it seems like a lot of stress for someone so young." she said nodding her head. "ya i feel like i'm walking on eggshells. if i make a mistake i have millions of young girls to be a good role model to. if i make a mistake then. i just don't want to let them down." i said sighing.

"well i can say one thing darling. if you do end up making a mistake you will find out who your real fans are. i'm not famous but i do know one thing. sometimes when you have all of this stress of millions of people looking up to you, you do end up making bad decisions instead of just living." she said as i nodded my head. 

"you're 100% right. i'm just nervous because this is the first week of the tour and we have a long time until it's over." i sighed as she laid her hand on my shoulder. "don't be nervous. remember just live. i'm afraid my break time is over and i have to get back to work. if you need anything please call me." she said handing me a card with number scribbled on it. 

i pulled her into another hug. "thank you so much mrs." i trailed out not knowing her name. "oh dear you make me feel old, even though i am quite old. call me andy." she said smiling. "thank you andy." i said standing up. she walked back to the counter tying the apron around her waist she sent me a smile and with that i walked back to my car. 

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heyyy guys. another chapter. i made this super long so i hope you enjoy. 

xoxo, joc<3