part of me | e.d

three

*TRIGGER WARNING, THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS POTENTIALLY DISTRESSING MATERIAL*

i sat on my bed, biting my lip. i was nervous. we haven't really spoken ever since that day over the summer. besides the short conversations we've had since school started, we've become so distant. because of me.

i didn't want to tell him the truth. he'd never leave me alone if he knew.

i decided i would tell him part of the truth; the gist. hopefully he'd buy it and be comfortable knowing i was fine.

i finally hear the doorbell. i walk out of my bedroom and down the stairs. i reach the front door and see his figure through the glass. i smoothed out my shirt and reached for the door knob. twisting it, i opened it and let him in.

there he was, wearing grey sweatpants and a black sweatshirt. his wavy hair wasn't slightly lifted up like usual, instead it flopped messily over his forehead. it was still raining out so he walked in quickly.

i closed the door as he took off his shoes. "i'm so glad you invited me over," he said, relief evident in his voice.

i nodded my head, "yeah. wanna head upstairs?" he agreed and trailed after me up the stairs. i opened my bedroom door and we walked in.

i sat on the edge of my bed, resting my hands in my lap. it felt so awkward between us now. i used to be able to tell him anything and everything, but can't find myself able to do so anymore.

he was standing near the door, until i finally patted the spot next to me, "come sit."

he walked over, sitting next to me as the bed sunk a little. our arms brushed each other and i turned my body to face him. i sighed, looking up into his light brown eyes.

"so what's up, ry?" he asked.

i took a deep breath. "ethan, i've honestly been fine. really-"

"bullshit. we're best friends and one day you just stopped talking to me. there's no way you're 'fine.' i'm just trying to be here for you," his eyes stared intensely into mine, sensing the lies easily.

"don't you get that i don't want to talk about it, e? if you want to be my friend, stop bringing it up!"

"i can't just let it go. whatever it is, it's changing you," he held onto both of my arms, his thumbs caressing the skin. i looked away from his eyes, unable to keep the contact.

"you used to be happy, ry. smiling all the time, laughing. i saw you all day today and you never smiled once. you're different." he tightens his hold on my arms, his voice becoming softer.

i feel tears welling up in my eyes but blink them away. "i'm okay. i have my dad and-"

"you mean your dad that's gone working all the damn time? rylin, you need someone to be there for you. why won't you just let me be that person?"

"because he left me! he left me without any warning! and i can't get close to you knowing you might do the same one day. it hurts too much, ethan, and you mean too much to me." i finally look back into his eyes seeing them soften.

"i wouldn't leave you like matt did, ever" he whispers. i didn't believe him. i cause too much pain. that's why matt left me, that's why my mom left me. i can't do the same to ethan. he doesn't deserve it.

"you don't know that."

"of course i do." he pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around my body. immediately his warmth travels through me and i press my face into the soft fabric of his sweatshirt, wrapping my arms around his torso. his hands move up and down my back, comforting me. my breathing steadies as he holds me, resting his cheek on top of my head.

i take a moment to just enjoy his presence, which i've missed so much this past month and a half. he fills my heart completely, gluing back together the fragments matt broke. i needed him.

but then i remember feeling this exact way with matt and realize what that had caused. i pull away from ethan, my body instantly feeling his absence and loss of warmth. he looks down at me, running his hands down my arms. i stand up, breaking our contact completely.

"we can't be best friends anymore."

he stands up, giving me a shocked look, "ry, i just said i would never leave you or cause you any pain-"

"it's not me i'm worried about ethan. you don't understand what happened between matt and i. he was such a big part of me and i lost him."

ethan takes a step closer to me, his eyes locked on mine, "then make me get it. make me understand, ry."

i realized couldn't tell him the truth or even part of it, so i decided to make up a lie. something that would make him never want to look at me again, which is exactly what needed to happen.

"i betrayed him. i cheated on him."

this, of course, is not what really happened. but this was the only way to make ethan leave me alone. even if it meant him hating me.

he looked at me with pure disbelief in his eyes. "i-i can't believe that you'd do that, i-"

"well believe it. that's what happened. he had every right to leave me. it was my own decision."

"you really have changed. my best friend would've never done something like that. matt was a good guy." he looked away from me, towards the ground. he shakes his head and places his hands on his hips.

"just leave ethan. you can't even look at me."

without another word, he walks past me out of my room. i hear the door slam and his car drive off.

feeling tears sting my eyes, i walk into the bathroom connected to my bedroom. i close the door, looking at the time on my phone.

5:28 PM

my dad shouldn't be home for another two hours. i reach into the drawer under my sink, pulling out two razor blades. i've had these here for a week debating whether or not to do it.

i've finally lost everything.

i grab one of the blades, hovering it over my left forearm. i finally apply pressure, pressing the blade into my skin. i drag it across the surface, drawing blood.

tears roll down my cheeks as i think about matt. about my mom.

i drag the blade another time, more tears rolling down. i think about ethan. i think about the words he said to me tonight. i think about what he must think of me now.

i finally put the blade down, letting the blood drip down my forearms. i turn on the water, rinsing the cuts i'd made. the only pain i feel is in my heart.

i wrap a bandage around my arm and head back to my room. i lay in my bed, letting the silence consuming me.

- - -

idk what to say about this chapter, it was depressing. Please keep in mind that this is fiction and I don't encourage self harm at all! You guys are all extremely special and important to me and I hope you never find yourselves in a situation like this. ❤️❤️

update coming soon though!!

- lexi