thirty-six

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i stand staring at the door, speechless.

all of grayson's words run through my mind. i can feel my heart clenching, hurt that he thinks those things about me.

but what's worse is i know he's right.

"rylin," ethan walks closer to me, his eyes soft. "grayson just hasn't been himself ever since that night. he didn't mean those things."

i shake my head. "yes, he did, ethan. and he's right about everything he said." i walk to the living room and sit on the couch, rubbing my face.

"no, he's not right. you're not the person he described. you're so much better than that," he tells me, his voice soft.

i wipe under my eyes, trying to get rid of the tears but they're replaced almost instantly. all i keep thinking about is how grayson said ethan's just too in love with me to see the reality.

"i'm not better than that. i've been horrible to you, ethan." i stand up from the couch, avoiding his eyes. "maybe i should stay at my dad's tonight."

"no, we need to talk. i'll be right back, okay?" he meets my eyes, making sure i understand not to leave.

i simply nod, and he turns around and jogs upstairs with luna. i sit back down on the couch, crossing my arms over my knees. 

ethan comes down a few moments later, a baby monitor in his hands. i feel the couch dip as he sits next to me, his warm presence comforting me.

before he can say anything, i feel like i need to first. "ethan, i still haven't really apologized for the way we left things at the end of senior year. i didn't think about how stressed you were and the way i ignored you was so bitchy of me." i cover my face with my hands, ashamed just thinking about it.

"i was horrible, too. i kept picking fights with you and taking out my anger from kara onto yo-"

i stop him. "please, stop blaming yourself. this was all me. i left."

"rylin, i don't care that you left!" he shouts at me, his chest heaving. he takes a deep breath then, looking intensely into my eyes. "i understand why you did. luna is not your baby and you had college."

"e, don't you see this is what grayson means? i so obviously take you for granted, and you just keep ignoring it."

"that's how it is when you're in love with someone, rylin. you just don't care about that stuff."

"well, it's wrong."

he sighs heavily, running his hands through his messy hair. "we keep having this same argument over and over again. i don't want to fight with you anymore."

"i know. me neither." 

i am already so tired of arguing. we did it all of senior year and i hated it. before kara, we never fought, ever. ever since then, though, we've both changed so much.

i look at ethan, and he looks exhausted. his shoulders are tense as he stares at the ground, lost in thought.

"can we please just move on from everything that happened this past year? i want to forget all of it. i want us to be happy again. i want us to be together again." his voice is quiet and soft.

he keeps staring at the ground and i stay silent, unsure of how to respond. 

i know ethan is worried about grayson, too. he's driving pissed off right now. again, because of me.

"um, do you want to call your parents and make sure gray's okay?" i ask, trying to change the subject.

he nods. "i probably should." he grabs his phone from his pocket and calls his mom, then walks into the kitchen while waiting for her to answer.

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