part of me | e.d

nineteen

"ethan!" i start walking towards him and he turns to look at me, almost losing his balance. looking into his eyes, i can see how broken he is. his bloodshot eyes were lined red, dried tears covering his cheeks.

seeing him almost fall, i feel the panic rising in my chest, my breaths short and uneven, as i make my way over to him.

"stop, rylin." he puts his hand up, motioning for me to stop getting closer. i listen and stop walking, too scared to push him right now.

"ethan, what are you doing?" my voice comes out weak, tears stinging my eyes. "why the hell are you up there?"

"w-why do you suddenly care now, rylin?" his words hit me hard, my heart aching. i look into his hazel eyes, seeing his pain. the pain i caused him.

"i've always cared about you, ethan." i take a step closer to him and wipe my the wetness from my cheeks.

"really? are you s-sure? because today it didn't seem like it." he begins walking along the edge of the roof, stumbling.

"ethan, just come down here. please-"

"no. why should i listen to you when you didn't give me one damn second of your time today?" he shouts, turning to face me now. "i spent hours worried about you. worried that you were hurting yourself, or worse, over my dumbass mistake."

i feel my chest tighten, guilt consuming me. "ethan, i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry."

he laughs at me, his eyes cold. "so was i."

i look away from his glare, unable to keep the contact. i feel like the worst person in the entire world for doing that to him.

but then i remember the fact that because of him, everyone is treating me differently. like i'm too fragile to be normal around anymore.

"you know what, ethan? this all started because of you and your mistake. i don't even understand why i'm the one begging your forgiveness here."

"no, rylin, that's where you're wrong. this all started because of hunter. not me." his teeth don't part as he speaks, and he stares into my eyes intensely, clenching his jaw hard. "he's the one that took advantage of you and used you."

"it still wasn't your place! what happened to me was private and humiliating and now everyone knows."

"you know what, rylin? i'm sorry. okay? i'm so fucking sorry i announced it like that, but everyone needed to know the damn truth already! do you know how much it bothers me to hear them all talking about you like some sort of object? or toy to pass around and exploit? he was using your silence to his own benefit."

ethan sighs heavily, getting all that off his chest, before continuing. "i wasn't going to let that damn rapist keep walking around without any consequences."

looking at the ground, i realize how right he is. i was a horrible bitch to him when he did nothing wrong. all he did was try to protect me.

i begin contemplating how selfish it is for me to keep dragging him along my messed up life. he doesn't deserve it; he deserves so much better than me.

i'm too damaged.

"why do you care so much about me, ethan? i'm clearly not good for you."

when he hears my words, i can see the shock on his face. he scoffs and looks at me, narrowing his eyes. "are you really fucking asking me that right now?"

i swallow hard, nodding my head.

he finally jumps off from the roof ledge, coming closer to me. we stand face to face, and i can see his glossy eyes stare into mine.