Whatever Happens

Chapter 16

A week passed, and we were getting ready to take finals. I hadn't spoken to Ben or seen him outside of class, since I left him in his room. He'd called and sent messages, but I hadn't answered.

On the one hand, it was pure torture staying away. On the other, I didn't think I could trust myself around him. That one kiss had been incredible. It made me completely forget about absolutely everything, including Dean. If he kissed me again, I wasn't sure I'd be able to stop it a second time.

Dean had acted alright, so at least, it didn't seem like Ben told him about what actually happened between us. At the same time, he seemed kind of tense. But that was probably just because of everything going on between me and Ben. I doubt the tension would have let up in their room, although, thankfully, it didn't seem like they'd actually fought again.

I hated lying to him though. Dean still thought that I wouldn't speak to Ben because we were fighting.

Overall, it was a massive headache, and I didn't know how I was going to pass a single one of my finals, since I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then, how was I supposed to get home for Christmas break? I was afraid to even talk to Ben, but I was going to drive alone with him for almost an hour?

I guess I could always ask my mom to come get me, but she would have questions. Lots of them that I wouldn't want to answer.

Sighing, I put it out of my mind and attempted to focus on my biology notes. It was probably pointless. All I could seem to think about was Ben and Dean.

After about twenty minutes, someone knocked on the door. I was a little irritated since I'd finally started retaining a few things, but Taylor wasn't here. Standing, I tossed the notes on my bed and went to pull the door open.

I regretted it immediately. Ben stuck his hand in the door before I could close it again.

"Just talk to me," he said, refusing to let me shut him out.

I watched him, unsure but unable to refuse outright.

"Come on, Becks," he said. "I miss you."

Letting out a heavy breath, I let go of the door and backed up so he could come in.

"You haven't answered any of my messages," he said when he stood in the room with the door closed again. He looked a little hurt.

"I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't."

"Becca..."

"I miss you too. I just-"

"You have feelings for me too," he said. "I know you do. The way you responded to me..."

Wanting to laugh and cry at the same time, I sat on the bed and briefly covered my face.

"You do, huh?" I asked sarcastically.

He seemed confused and again I had those conflicting urges. It was absolutely absurd that he'd been so oblivious to my feelings for so long, but now, I couldn't deny them if I tried.

"Do you have any idea how long I've had these feelings, Ben?"

He was still confused, but he was also surprised. Maybe that I was admitting it so easily.

I smiled sadly. "I have loved you for as long as I can remember."

Definitely stunned now, he just stared at me.

"You have no idea how hard this is for me," I said as a few tears fell. "I had to stay away from you because... I don't trust myself around you."

He frowned for a minute before he sat beside me.