Losing Herself

16

Everyone rushed around her, machines beeping and people shouting to one another. Various orders she should know the meaning of but she was unable to force them all together in her mind to understand them. Her eyes darted around the room, desperate to find a face she recognised, someone she knew but she was alone. There were no happy faces, just the stress of a doctor who looked like they were losing someone...

Her eyes dropping to herself she looked at the wires that surrounded her, the paleness of her skin blending in against the white sheets. No matter how hard she tried to move it did no good. That's when she heard the voices again, only able to make out one thing. "We've lost the baby and if we don't move quick enough we'll lose her too..."

She woke with a start, the cold sweat rising across her forehead and chest as she fought to find her breath. "Con? Sweet cheeks?" She moved a hand to her chest as she panted, surrounded by fear and the anxiety continuing to build. Jacob moved from where he was to kneel on the bed before her, his hands gently moving to her shoulders.

Her eyes finally moved to his before his hands trailed down to her hands. "Take some deep breaths, in time with me okay?" She slowly began to mimic his breathing, finding a normal rhythm return. As she calmed, it didn't stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks. Jacob moved closer as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders kissing her temple. "It's just a dream... You're okay, our babies okay." He rest his lips to the top of her head as she quietly sobbed into his chest.

A few moments passed before she quietly sat with her head against his chest. Running a hand beneath her eyes she spoke quietly, her voice raspy with emotion still. "I'm sorry. I doubt this is what you expected when you said you wanted to try things again for us." His hands ran soothingly through her hair as he sighed gently. "I love you, and whatever life throws at us we'll deal with." Connie sighed gently as she rubbed her hands over her face. "This is exhausting, this dream, I just wish it would go away."

Connie pulled back from his embrace returning to the bed as Jacob offered a small sympathetic smile. "You're worried Connie and that's natural. You've just agreed to start treatment it's bound to be on your mind." She ran her hands over her face as Jacob moved to lay down beside her, Connie quickly curling into his side. Resting her head against his chest she inhaled deeply becoming comfortable with him.

Her eyes were heavy with the sleep she'd been missing over the last week due to the dreams. "When did you decide to stay over?" He scoffed with a small smirk as he turned his head to look down at her. "When you decided to fall asleep on the sofa." "I was not asleep-" "Yeah alright, and I'm not the man of your dreams." Connie stayed quiet for a moment, Jacob not needing to see her face to know the expression she'd be pulling. He wrapped his arms around her waist brining a smile to her lips before feeling his press to her temple again.

Tilting her head to look up at him, she watched how his eyes seemed to trace over her features before she smiled gently. "I'm glad you did... I hate being on my own lately. Waking up not knowing where I am or what's happened." He brushed the hair back from her face before letting his hand settle against her cheek. "All you have to do is ask and I'll be here, you know that."

Connie nodded gently before Jacob leaned down pressing a soft kiss against her lips. His hand still wound around her waist, it slipped up beneath her top to rest against the small of her back. Her skin was warm against his hand as he caressed the familiar curve. Connie felt herself unintentionally deepening the kiss before feeling Jacob shift in the bed.

Her back was pressed down to the mattress as he moved to lean above her. With one arm pressed into the bed, the other drove her crazy as he ran it up and down her side across whatever skin he could find. Connie lifted her hands around his neck, pulling him closer as his hands moved to press against her thighs. Jacob moved to rest between her legs, his hands on her waist as she cupped his cheeks parting from his lips.

"I'm scared I'm going to lose you, lose this." He couldn't deny the fear that he saw in her eyes, the pain that tainted her. "I promise you, that no matter where we are in 6 months time, you could never lose me. I've tried living without you Connie and it doesn't work, I don't want to try again." She smiled sadly remembering how hard she had made it for him and yet he was still here wanting to do everything in his power for her. "I don't tell you this enough, but I love you."

He smiled pressing another kiss against her lips, but it was unlike what they'd been doing previously. He rolled back to the side, Connie replacing her head to his chest as he ran a hand up and down her back. They lay there quietly, happy in the moment with having the other so close. Thoughts continued to whirl round Connie's head as she realised just how much things had changed in the last 3 months.

She was struggling with small tasks from day to day, some days being worse than others but she had known that was to be expected. Since telling Jacob the truth he had been around more, and she was grateful to have him there. It meant she could spend more time at home but still have someone to care for her. Charlie and Duffy continued to support her, doing whatever they could to keep her company on her bad days.

Connie had finally decided on the treatment plan and it was to begin in a few days time. She couldn't deny she was ready to kick this but the fear she felt was undeniable. The worry that something would still happen to either her or her baby. As she lay there different things rolling round her head she almost missed his quiet voice.

"Have you told Grace?" There was a long looming of silence which told him everything he needed to know. Connie fought with the tears once more hearing her daughter's name. Everything she was keeping from her what she was once keeping from Jacob. "I can't-" "Con, she'd want to know. She deserves to know, don't you think?" Connie held her breath, biting her lip trying to stop the tears from falling.  "I can't..."

He ran a hand through her hair, releasing a breath slowly knowing how strained her relationship with her daughter had been over the last few years. "I haven't seen her for over a year Jacob, I cancelled our plans because I was sick and she's barely tried to talk since... I can't call her and tell her this-" "Connie she'd understand-" "Yeah because I can see this going down well. Hi sweetheart I couldn't be a mother to you but I'm pregnant again... I can't do it Jacob." "So what, you don't tell her and instead keep her brother or sister a secret? You wait until she turns up one day and just announce you have another child? Connie think about this..." "Jacob, I said no."

She pulled away from him moving to the other side of the bed. Tears silently running down her cheeks as he remained where he was. He looked across at her, recognising all the signs of her trying not to show she was crying. Letting go of a sigh, he moved to place his chin over her shoulder, his arms moving around her waist. "Come here..." "I can't tell her I've got cancer Jacob, I can't admit that I might never see her again." "Hey..." She rolled over to face him as he pulled her into his chest. "Don't be like that, of course you'll see her again. You're stronger than this Connie."

Rubbing her hands across her face she sighed shaking her head. "And what about the fact I gave her up? I couldn't make time to be a mother for her and now look at me. I'm pregnant, I'm incredibly sick and I have no idea how I'm going to explain that to her." "Then we do it together. Connie when I say you're not in this alone, I mean it you know. Me, Charlie, Duffy... We're all here for you, but sweet cheeks, Grace deserves to know the truth."

Connie closed her eyes unable to deny it knowing he was right. "We don't have to do anything now, come on you've got enough to think about this week. Let's just get some sleep, we'll sort this out another day." She nodded gently as she once more settled into him letting sleep finally overcome her as she felt the exhaustion of the week catch up to her. Jacob held her gently, thoughts running through his own mind as Connie slept soundly in his grasp.