word vomit

drained

I'm so fucking done.
I'm sick of this shit.
I can't fucking do this anymore.

I don't have the time.
I never have enough time.
Why the fuck did I do this to myself.

It's my fault.
It's all my damn fault.
I'm too young.
Still growing.
Still trying to find my own identity.

I can't bring myself to do it.
Do what is needed done.
What has needed to be done for awhile now.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.
It's wearing me out, physically, and emotionally.
He constantly pushes my over the edge.
Past my breaking point.
He expects too much from me.

I'm fucking 14.
I'm too young for this.
But I suffer through it anyways.

Because I'm too much of a pushover to do anything about it.

Because I'm scared of loosing him as a friend.

I'm scared it will break him.
And that he'll never love again.

He's moving away.
He expects me to wait for him.
But will I?

I've been at this charade for too long.
He deserves to know the truth.
But could he take it?
No.

If someone were to ask me if I truly loved him, I wouldn't know the answer.
Did I ever love him?

My brain is fucked up.

My life is fucked up.

My emotions are fucked.

I'm never dating again.
Not until I know I'm ready.
Ready to commit.
Ready to commit the effort.
The patience.
The time.

Why does it have to be like this.

He's happy.
I'm not.
He's pushy.
I'm not.
He has the time.
I don't.
He has the commitment.
I don't.
He loves me.
But have I ever loved him?