ERASED

Numb

David.

The blue eyes and the pink lips, that David.

The man who kissed me on the third date when he insisted on walking me home, who had held my face between his hands and had pressed his lips to mine tenderly. That David.

The one who had sat next to me while I was sick to death and looking like a literal zombie, who had brought me red velvet cupcakes and placed warm towels on my forehead. That David.

The man who had looked me in the eyes one summer night, and after declaring his eternal love for me, had asked me to be by his side for the rest or our lives. That David.

The man who ran an insane, inhuman and perverted business with equally insane, inhuman and perverted people, performing hyper illegal tests on human beings. The man that without blinking, ditched me into the hands of a serpent and a man who barely blinks. The man that forgot everything we had been through, all our plans and all of our dreams. Who once told me he loved me but now didn't even dare to show his face to me. That David.

I was certain at this point no one could beat my love story gone wrong. No one. Not even that lady who found out her husband had led a double life for over 40 years of marriage and has two other daughters who look so much more like him than hers do. Yep, not even those ladies.

My mind had repressed my feelings for David.

At first, whenever I thought about him, I felt such strong blows of hurt and hatred mixed together that I couldn't even breathe. I would start hyperventilating, trying desperately to grab onto something that told me this couldn't possibly be true. I started roaming into my mind, trying to hold onto any string of hope that David had actually nothing to do with all of this.

But I knew better. I knew David had been strange for months. I used to think it was only work stress, but now it all made sense. The late nights, the whispered phone calls, the way he avoided talking about work when he used to adore rambling on and on about it. It all made perfect sense.

Now, every time I thought about David I felt nothing.

Nothing.

My unconscious had suppressed all that adoration I used to have for his blue eyes and his way of talking. I used to love when he made me laugh. I used to trace my finger around his collarbones as I watched him sleep, adoring the sight of his soft, pale skin under the moonlight. I used to daydream about kissing him all day long, and I dreaded having to kiss him goodbye each morning. I used to paint my lips pink because he loved that color on me, I used to let him swirl me around while wearing a loose skirt just because he loved the sight of it flying through the air, I used to love hearing him call me the most precious flower, and I used to love him.

I used to love him.

I had loved him with all my heart and with all my might.

He had made me forget about my past. He made me believe that it doesn't define you. He had taken all of my walls down, each time I had rejected him out of fear, he had seen right through me. He never gave up when many others did. And now, all of it was gone, crushed, turned to dust.

It was too much to bear, and I knew it. So like every other unbearable thing that had occurred to me, my own brain flushed it away, saving me from completely losing my composure.

I felt nothing. I knew I should at least feel hatred towards him, but not even that. It was like everything David-related had been wiped off my brain, or at least had been folded and neatly tucked away in the deepest, darkest corner of my mind, next to the other horrible things that had happened to me.

David was just an illusion now, all that I'd lived with him was still in my memory, only I couldn't feel what I knew I had felt. It was just plain numbness.

I looked up at Ezra and realized, I had more in common with that cold, tone faced robot than I had once thought.