Where my head is at:
I think about it everyday and how many people I'd affect by doing it.
If I slit the fragile skin of my wrist. A jab at my artery, the one that runs straight from my heart to my brain. A bullet to the head, to not have to feel the pain. Or gracefully hanging from the ceiling as my neck falls limp to my left shoulder.
I think about how easily I could kill myself and others with objects lying around me, or me being in them. Like a car, for example. How easy I could drive head on into traffic, or jump in front of a car, out of a car.
I hate how I feel inside, like I'm soulless and lackluster. I have no motivation and my mind screams 'Fuck all'. Why; because in the end you die anyways, so why try to succeed so highly when you just lose it all.
I can never ever truly be happy with myself.
I feel like I have failed tremendously, like I'm a constant fuck up. That what I chose to do with my life thus far has seemed to pull me under a blanket of water. I feel stuck and imprisoned in a place I am afraid to speak freely.
What I say has no morals and that I am not an adult, I need to make no choices for myself.
I am a weak piece of shit, a damsel, a nuisance.
I, deep down, am hated by all I encounter.
I am worthless, good for nothing who deserves nothing more than the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe.
I feel empty within myself and I want to die.
I cannot stand my anxiety for making me the way I am. The girl who is loud, but will cry and throw things when one raises their voice.
I am the one who builds hate within herself, one that I want to kill, but in the process I'd just be killing myself.
I am full of self-doubt and the only reason why I'm always frustrated is because I hate me. I don't like anything about me. And I cannot believe people when they say they love me or care about me, or that they like me as a friend or more.
I can easily make myself care for a person, but when they say they feel the same, I turn away and exclude myself in fear of rejection and hidden hate.
People like to stare and I don't appreciate it. It makes me feel like I'm a different form of species. I don't even like when my own boyfriend stares to 'admire me'. It makes me think he's judging all of my hidden imperfections.
I hate how I want to die so much, but I hate how I'm too much of a pussy to see what's on the other side based on what I do and don't believe in and the little I know of it.
Would they even care if I disappeared? Maybe not everyone I've encountered would care. They'd care for about a week and forget that I were to have ever existed.
I would be better off if I didn't exist, others would be better off and more happier.
I can see my father talking shit of me after I die, just like he did my mother, someone he supposedly loved so much.
I can see him making jokes about me, crude ones like those he's made of my mother.
He claims to love me, but I do not see it. I am more of a hassle to him than anything else. I am a disappointment to him, but all I've ever done for the past 17 years was try to make him happy.
At this point, only being 17, I am tired. I feel like I've seen enough to be tired of living already.
The life of a teenage girl.
