Sin and Soul

The Hero turned Villain

Broken feels like nothing, that was what Nirvana was realizing.

She felt nothing.

She sat on the beach rubbing her flat belly. Four months pregnant, and outside of nauseous mornings you wouldn't know. Nirvana didn't eat more. She didn't sleep. She was barely living. Her mind constantly occupied by intrusive thoughts of revenge. Or death.

The water was so calm. No crashing waves, or churning waters. She wished her second home in Fayetville was like this. But it was a reminder. A constant "in your face" of what Bryan had done. Of what he'd let everyone else do. No one was innocent in her eyes.

She held her stomach. A year and a half ago she lost her first baby. The baby she'd kept a secret because Bryan didn't want kids. She remembered the nights he would bring home cases of plan B and condoms.  Stocking them in the restroom closet next to her pads and soap. But the one memory she absolutely can't shake, the phone call that killed her baby.
-
May 2016

"Hello?" Nirvana sang into the phone while devouring a Jimmy John's tuna sub.

"Is this Nirvana?" A catty, agitated female voice responded.

"This is she." Nirvana sat down the sub, wiped her hands and redirected her attention. "May I ask who's calling?"

"My name is Patricia, you may know my soon to be brother in law Lance."

Despite her confusion as to why Patricia would be calling her Nirvana perked up immediately. "Oh! Okay, well hi! How can I help you? I've heard so much about you from Lance and Bryan I hope all is well?"

Bryan never spoke pleasantly of Patricia and neither did Lance. It was constant griping and anger around supposed lies and manipulation. But Nirvana had never met the woman and decided to postpone judgement.

"I needed to speak to you about Bryan and the baby."

Nirvana accidentally dropped her phone. Bryan knew?! She was only two months along and hid her morning sickness well she thought.
She picked the phone back up.
"I'm so sorry!" She stammered.
"I was just shocked. I didn't know Bryan knew I was pregnant!"

Patricia laughed "I wasn't talking about you, you stupid bitch."

Nirvana's heart stopped. "What?..." she whispered.

"Yea bitch. Everyone knows all about you. You treat Bryan like shit.  You're always depressed. You don't appreciate him. You really ain't shit. You don't even satisfy him in the bedroom. I'm calling to ask why you haven't signed the divorce papers? We've been respectful and patient but this is out of hand. You need to sign them and get the fuck out my house."

The room was spinning. Nirvana had just gotten out the hospital earlier that day. She'd been in for days for thoughts of sucide. And right now she was wishing her thoughts had been actions. Her body was starting to feel cold. What was that dripping noise? It was loud. She was so confused.  What hadn't she done right? She cooked, she cleaned, she made six figures. Nirvana recalled the vacation they'd just taken a few weeks ago. Bryan's dream of traveling out of the country, she'd made a reality. She rubbed his feet, did his hair, clipped his nails, did his laundry, supported his dreams,  took care of his family when he was out of town. So what did she mean? And what divorce papers?

Then it hit her. "A baby?" She choked out.

"Yup I'm a month pregnant." Patricia bragged.

"He doesn't even want kids" Nirvana whispered. Tears streaming down her face. Why was this woman being so malicious and evil? What the fuck did Bryan say about her?

"Well he'll want this one." Patricia said. Nirvana could hear her smirk in her tone.

Nirvana slowly shook her head in disbelief. "No he won't. I'll tell you exactly what's going to happen. You're going to have that baby and he's going to abandon you. He's going to toss you aside. And when he does he'll deny everything. You think whatever he said about me was true? Imagine what he's saying about you."

"Bitch! You're nothing but drama. You're a liar and you're a bad fucking person." Patricia screamed into the phone.

"Okay" Nirvana hung up the phone.
She looked down. A growing puddle of blood pooled at her feet, streaming from in between her legs. The pain racking her body was intense. She felt like the entirety of her being was on fire. And her already broken heart continued to shatter. She was in so much pain. She stumbled out onto the porch just in time to see Bryan pulling into the driveway. Her heart began a fast unsteady rhythm, thundering in her ears. Her skin was ice cold. And then the world was dark.

Nirvana awoke to monitors beeping and Bryan whispering feverishly in the corner of the room.

"No! You need to get a fucking abortion bro!"

There was a pause.

"I told you if you have this baby there isn't ever gonna be an us. "

Silence again.
"My fucking wife is in the hospital man! She just had a fucking miscarriage. I told you! I told you I was going to handle it and let you know when everything was final!"

Nirvana pushed herself up and stared at Bryan's back. She had no questions now. No doubts. Her husband was a monster. He'd defamed her. Violated her. Put her in danger. And impregnated another woman.

"I'm sending you the money now. Get the abortion, bring me the receipt and I'll see you later. " he hung up and turned around. He froze when he saw Nirvana's stare.

"Even here huh? Even here in my hospital room, you don't change. You don't care." She said flatly.

"No! Baby no! It's not what you think!"

"I always knew you hated me. I tried. I tried so fucking hard to make you love me. I changed myself. Broke myself. Denied myself. I gave you everything." Nirvana closed her eyes and began coughing. Blood landed on her gown. "Get out Bryan. " she said flatly. The tears had begun growing again. Her baby was gone. She could feel the emptiness. And she hoped she would be next.

-
"Hey!" Bryan waded up to her and grabbed her arm. Nirvana had waded so far out the water was crashing into her chest and at times submerging her. He drug her back to shore. The thin white dress she had on clinging to her body and tangled around her legs.

-
Inside Bryan carefully undressed his wife. Her demeanor was sullen. It was like she wasn't even here.

As he wrapped her hair in a towel and used another to dry her body he spoke. "I got a really nice job offer." He paused to let her speak but only silence echoed. He cleared his throat. "It's in Texas for the president of aviation. " Bryan stood and went to the dresser, picking up a manilla envelope containing the unsigned divorce papers from months ago.
" I didn't take it yet. I wanted it to be your choice." He handed it to her. "If you want me to take it and leave I'll sign those...right now. But if you want me to stay ju-"

Nirvana ripped the package in pieces.

Bryan face lit with joy.

Nirvana's mind didn't change. No. He couldn't leave. She was going to make him hurt too. He had to lose some things and feel the same hurt she did. She still loved him though. She would until the day she died. Whenever that may be.