Sleeping With Calamity

Before

¨So why exactly did you chase me down again?"

"I've told you before little miss."

"I know but, I like hearing it." She leaned against me smiling

"You looked lonely. I know how bad it feels to be lonely."

"No one said I was lonely." But her face said otherwise that day, her face says otherwise a lot.

***

Her eyes glazed over as the smoke clouds danced around her. She never showed her true self until these moments. When she's dancing through the wisps of our laughter, she looks at peace with something long forgotten. I sit back enjoying her laughter and watch as her body move in ways of the wind. She fell back, while her body curled into mine, she looked out the small window at the top of the wall. "I want to thank the painter of the sky. My granma used to say it was the angels in the sky. Lost souls telling the ones they loved that they're still here. Ha! That heaven and hell bullshit. This is hell." she gestured to the world around us. She yelled, screamed, kicked and moaned. "It isn't fair! This bullshit, all of it. I just... it's all too much you know? The screaming and fighting. I like it better here. It's quiet. There is no fight. Just, just easy." Her voice is a whimper, her cries turn to hiccups. But what do I say? She fell, she became a ball on my cold floor. Whimpers and murmurs escaped her throat. DO SOMETHING. But I didn't know what. Looking at me she smiled a little, crawling toward me a giggle escaped her lips. I helped her up and into my lap. We stayed there till her cries quieted and turned to soft snores.

I moved her off me and grab a shirt, leaning her against me I unzipped her dress. Pulling my shirt over her head and pulling her dress down, I laid her back down on the bed. I got up changed and put everything back in the small box on the table. I heard movement and her mumble my name, "One moment sweetheart."
"Scared. Come."
She was gone when I woke, but her stuff was still strung around the room. I looked around a bit worried. 10:47. Where was she? I got out of bed and looked around, no note. Nothing. "Rise and shine motherfuc- oh, you're already awake. Well fuck." She had abag in her hand along with two drinks. Wisps of hair were falling in face, her pink pinks lips were stretched in a big grin. I smirked and chuckled, walking over towards and grabbing the bag from her. "You had me worried you know?"

"Oooh well. I'm alive. Plus I have food so it's even better."

"Alright, so what did you get? Please tell it's from Javva."

"Always"

She seemed to just know what I liked there anymore. She handed me the bag and walked over setting our coffees down. Pulling our chairs closer together, we ate in silence. Her makeup

was still smudged from last night. I ate my food and looked at her. "You need a shower."
"Well nah shit Sherlock."
"Go."

I got up and handed her some clothes, "Here." She out of the room and down the hall, waiting until I heard the water turn on. I started cleaning up more the room, picking up her stuff and putting it against the wall. I walked over to the old record player Cal had found about a week ago, it was black but she had started painting flowers, stars and other little scenes. I flipped through the records I sitting in the milk crate by the wall. "Someday I'll feel no pain

Someday I won't have a brain

They'll take away the part that hurts

And let the rest remain

Fix me

Fix my head

Fix me please I don't want to be dead..." Sitting on the bed I laugh a little but I'm not sure at what. I'm never sure at what when I'm alone.

After awhile, I heard the water turn off. Her voicing traveling through the hall as she sung. She came back and sat down, she looked around before the grabbing the box and a lighter, "So, we doing anything today?" I just shrugged and watched her take a long drag, "Life kind of sucks, ya know? We grow up being told we can be whatever we want, but we grow up finally figure out what we truly want just to get told we can't do it or that we should choose a "better" option. The better option is what makes us happy, not what our parents want us to do."

I looked at her for a second taking in everything she said, "I think it's 'cause some people don't want their kids to make the same mistakes as them. They just want their kids to be successful."

"But they could be successful in the career they want. It might be harder or less likely but it is still possible."

She started to laugh before taking another drag and falling back, "It all just kind of sucks." I knew the conversation was over, but she looked over at me like she wanted me to say something else.

I used to want to be a writer the thought comes to my mind but, not to my lips. They want me to be a doctor. I hate the thought of that, all the way too clean things, the blood isn't the problem. The real problem is that now I'm not sure what I want to do anymore.

"I wanted to be a ballerina, always had. My parents wanted me to have that dream. See their little girl in a pink tutu and a big smile on her face. It was good for awhile, I joined a bit late but I tried just as hard possibly harder. By the time I turned ten I was starting to get better than some of the more experienced girls. Everything was good, until I started to gain weight. They wanted me on strict diets, nothing worked. Eventually I was kicked out of ballet school. Dreams crushed and hopes scattered."

"Wow... I, uh, never thought you would've wanted that. You just seem so, so well punk, not girly."

"I was never really girly. Just wanted to be elegant, pretty."

I nodded and put my arm around her, "Well you're pretty to me." She pushed my arm off her and got up.

"I don't want to be pretty now. I want to be me."

"You are you. Aren't you?"

"Yes dumbass, I am me. But I don't know if I'm the real me. Like literally speaking I am me. I am, Calamitatum Winter, but I am I me? See that's real question. Are you the real you? The Blaise Jones everyone sees, is that the real you? Or do you have a deep dark secret?" Not yet.