Sleeping With Calamity

Now

I fell asleep out there in the woods sometime during the night. I didn't care that the cold made my lips icy blue, or that when I woke up I could barely feel my body. I could still feel her there. I could still feel her warmth beside me. I had lost her; I was breaking. I spent a while in those woods; till I couldn't feel my body. I liked it best that way. It was physically how I felt mentally.

I wasn't numb anymore, but I was basically frozen. I also don't give two fucks or any fucks at that. It had snowed overnight, and any sign of life was close to gone. I managed to make it out of the woods and back home.

My room was still how she had left it. Almost frozen in the moment she walked out my door last. Her smell still lingered. There was a hint of cigarette smoke that lingered from the week before. This was my "safe place" as some would say. Since she came, since she made it her safeplace and then she left. It isn't safe to me anymore. I had never cared for putting things around my room. A bed, dresser, desk. Simple. The walls were once a dull grey, matching carpet. For some it had looked like a prison cell for the rich. It was how it felt. I mean I obviously couldn't have my very own personal bathroom or bars but it was close. My once dull room was bright. Cal had hated the dull, she wanted to change it. Change it she had. Dragging me into thrift stores and other second hand shops. Finding bookshelves, bean bag chairs, curtains and so much more. I don't think I could change what she did. Ever.

Collapsing on my bed I looked over at my clock. 3:39. Mom would be home in about thirty minutes. I knew I should get up and make her food but today even rolling back over sounded like too much work. I layed there till I heard the door open and close, she wouldn't come in my room. She never did, she just went to bed and that's how it would be.

***

The night sky is never truly black. Stars, moons, planets, millions of things that could possibly end humanity, hide in the night sky. Sometimes I need to disappear. I need to disappear now. Disappearing has many stages. No one knows them by name, but by heart they are there. Light stages weren't what I needed. I needed drastic. Life or Death. Winning or losing.

My bag is always packed for when this happens. I'm gone. Adventure isn't a thing I used to like, not till before her. She made me seek. I want to find her like before. Before when we would run, when love was alive. I need before.