Only You (J-Hope x Reader)

Patience

~Hoseok's P.O.V. (Continuum: Part two)~

~"Friends?"~

Every time I tried making friends, they disappeared without a trace. It was hard to find friends that would stay with me. The only friend I truly had, the only person who stayed with me for the longest time, was Kim. I was happy that I could finally rely on someone, someone I could call an "eternal" friend. When the people I thought were my friends left, she would stay by my side, comforting me and telling me how I'll eventually find friends. But until then, I needed to keep being determinate.

"Hi," I watched as a boy my age hold out his hand towards me. Without hesitation, I turned my attention, not wanting to talk to him. "Do you wanna be my friend? You normally sit alone in class," he asked as he popped into my vision. I immediately shook my head. "How come? Don't you want to have a ton of friends? I mean, it's really fun," he gave me a huge smile. With shock, I stared at the smile he was giving me. He had such pure happiness. I was jealous. He had friends that he could call his, and they probably never left him like my old friends did. "I don't want to you as my 'friend,'" I replied quite coldly. His smile faded. Soon I got up and walked past him, I didn't want to deal with his happiness and joy.

...

I made new friends with that one boy who asked me to be his friend. I finally gave in after seeing how persistent he was. Hanging out with his friends allowed me to laugh and smile. I wanted to consider them as my friend since they were always happy to be with me. "He's an idiot," the boy laughed. I was going to sit down with my new friends until I heard those words leave his mouth. "I tried so hard to become his friend. But once he finally agreed, he was boring," he said. His friends nodding in agreement, and I was quick to leave. Soon after, I bumped into Kim with my eyes full of tears. "What's wrong?" she patted my head. I immediately shook my head. "The-They aren't my friend. No one is my friend! Everyone hates me and they think I'm boring," I cried. She sighed, "You aren't boring, Hobi. You're fun to be around! You always make me smile, and your smile brightens my day every time. If people can't see that, then you don't need to be their friend. Be friends with people who will always be by your side, like me. I mean, I can always be replaced, but I'll always be here for you," she smiled brightly. I looked up at her with a faint smile, unsure if I should really believe her. "We're still young, Hoseok. You have a long way to go before deciding that you won't have any friends. You should be more careful on who your friends are," Kim said. "Be careful who my friends are?" I asked back, and she nodded. I needed to determine who my true friends are, who won't leave me.

It sounded hard, but I didn't want a life without people supporting me and being by my side. So I wanted to make friends, even if it caused me misery.

~"Joy"~

Joy? What was joy? Was it an emotion that you have when you're with others? Or is it an emotion you're allowed to experience on your own? Was it possible to have joy, even through all the bad times in life? Or am I just faking my "joy?"

I wanted joy because the bad times made me question my happiness. Maybe I couldn't experience a simple burst of happiness, maybe I was forbidden from joy itself, or maybe I wasn't trying my best to experience something I desperately wanted to feel. My brain was in a constant run for friends and happiness, that I started losing the definition of joy.

I watched as kids pass by me with a smile on their face. It looked like joy erupted from their body like nothing, and I couldn't feel such an emotion. It wasn't my fault that I couldn't feel it. It was the people who started this. Joy was simply a word in my mind that was constantly questioned. "Hey, what are you doing?" Kim turned to me with confusion. I sighed, "Kim, was is joy?" The question made me receive another confused look. "Joy...?" she repeated before looking down at her tiny feet, "Joy is when you're able to feel happiness. It's when you can just smile and have fun." I stared at her. "I want joy," I said. She gave me a confused look, again. "Aren't you happy, Hoseok?" she asked. I shook my head in disappointment, "I used to be... used to. I lost it, Kim. I don't know where it went. Ever since this happened... I-I don't even know how to be happy or to smile anymore, Kim. It's hard," I felt tears streaming down my face, "I want to be happy again! I really want to be happy! But I can't have it, because it's impossible." I started sobbing. She quickly approached me before wiping away my tears, "You will be happy, Hoseok. I know you will, you'll be happy once more. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel." I stared up at her, who was giving me a reassuring smile, "What if there isn't?" I asked, making her shake her head. "There always is. Every bad moment will lead to a good moment. I know that you'll be happy, Hoseok. Just be patient and let time form the joy you want," Kim replied.

Even if I have to wait, I wanted to experience it once more. I wanted to be a joyful and cheerful person, rather than a sad one. It didn't feel right for me to be sad, confused, and dazed. I want to l smile and have fun, to stop faking my feelings to Kim and family members. I want to express myself through a simple smile; to live happily, like in a fairy tale, or even a book with a good ending. I wanted to feel happy.

I want that, even if it takes me a lifetime to do it. I want to be a sunshine in this cruel and dark world.

I hoped you enjoyed!
~XutieMiako