Dear Universe, ✔

11.

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile since I've updated you. Sorry about that. I've just had a lot going on and I don't really know how to deal with it all.

I guess I can start with my parents? They're still separated, my mom is still like a ghost, wandering the house at night and no where to be seen during the day. At least she goes out now, go where, I don't know.

My dad doesn't come around anymore, not since the day I learned of his affair. He calls me every few days and we catch up, but it's hard to hide my anger and disappointment towards him. I can't believe he did that to my mom - to our family.

It's safe to say that our weekly dinners as a family are over, dad and I tried to keep the tradition alive with just the two of us but after two weeks we decided it was just too awkward and forced. Mom was always the one to keep conversation flowing.

Ironic because I haven't had a real conversation with her in months.

Moving on....

Cheer is getting intense, since our school is all about cheerleading competition's and titles, the captain has my best friend swamped 24/7, leaving no time for me in her busy schedule. Lately I've been missing cheer more and more...

Okay, time for my rant. You ready, Universe?

Moon kind of said that he likes me. 

We had this moment at a party, I thought he was going to kiss me - my heart was pounding so fast, Universe. The way he was looking at me, the way he was making me feel...it freaked me out - and so I ran away. 

It didn't freak me out in a bad way, don't get me wrong - I wanted to kiss him. I think I had wanted to kiss him for awhile. 

Anyway, I ran away and when I finally came to my senses - when I finally told myself to get my shit together and go kiss the boy - I saw him kissing someone else. It hurt Universe, it was like a knife cut my heart right in two. 

I overreacted and ran away again, I didn't even give him a chance to explain. He followed me and I embarrassed myself by lashing out and then puking my guts out. Being the amazing person he is though, Moon took me home, made sure I was okay, and then made me breakfast the next morning. 

Universe, I'm in over my head. That day, Moon opened up to me and showed me his deepest, most personal pieces of himself and I couldn't do the same in return. He told me he liked me, he begged me not to run again, he told me his secrets, and I...I just said "oh." 

I want to, Universe. I want to tell him everything, I want him to take me to the batting cages or for a ride on his motorcycle and make me feel alive and weightless - the way that only he can - but I'm still scared. 

I'm afraid that he will be upset that I went this long without telling him. I'm afraid that he'll pity me and treat me differently. I'm afraid that he won't look at me the same - that he'll look at me the way I look at myself. I'm afraid that everything will change. 

That's a lie. All of it. 

You want the truth, Universe? 

I'm afraid that I'll fall for Moon and he'll break my heart. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for him, because he's amazing. 

-Star

"Hey, you ready?" 

I think I jumped ten feet in the air at the sound of Ian's voice. I had just hit post and my confessions about him were still right there on my screen. I slam my laptop shut, earning a curious look from Ian as he leans in my doorway.