Dear Universe, ✔

13.

A couple of hours ago I had jumped in my car, no destination in mind and drove. I didn't drive far, it was like my heart knew exactly where I neededto be, and so ten minutes later I pulled into Fieldan's driveway - which was empty except for the motorcycle parked in front of the garage. 

I didn't knock, I just threw the door open, and it was like he knew I needed him because he was standing in the doorway waiting for me. For once, I didn't overthink it, I just collapsed against him and let him hold me as I held onto him like a life raft in a storm.

I knew I looked horrible, I could feel that my eyes were swollen from all the crying and I was wearing the same t shirt and leggings that I slept in last night. I hadn't had time to change or even shower - not after the scene I woke up to this morning. The look on Ian's face when he saw me come through the door though, it was like he had seen a ghost or was a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, making me think that maybe I looked worse than I thought.

Coming to Ian was the right thing, as soon as I was with him, I felt my entire body relax and my mind clear. We just stood there for a minute, me clinging to him while he held me together, and when he stepped back just enough to look me in the face he said, "Fieldan isn't here..."

I don't blame him for thinking I came here for Fieldan, she is my best friend after all, and the last time that I was here crying like this it was when he found me in her room. I couldn't help but smile at the look on his face when I told him I wasn't here for Fieldan. That's how it is with Ian though, when I feel like I'm a rock bottom, he makes me smile or laugh and then everything doesn't seem so dark and lonely. 

Now we're laying in his bed, his TV is on but I'm not paying attention and I don't think he is either. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I can feel my eyes beginning to close as I lean into Ian's shoulder and feel him flinch before slowly raising his arm and tucking me into his side. He begins to comb his fingers through my knotted hair and I'm struggling to stay awake, all the stress I've been under the past few months finally getting the better of me. 

"Annie..." 

"Hmm?" 

I can feel the rise and fall of his chest, I can hear his heartbeat, and the warmth of his body this close to mine makes me feel safe and comfortable. I don't want him to move, I don't want me to move, I want to just stay here like this for as long as possible - uncomplicated and just the two of us. 

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" His fingers are still tangled in my hair and it's so soothing that I want to ask him to do it more often.

I know that I can say no and he won't push, he'll just continue to lay here with me until I'm ready to get up. I know that I can ignore him and he won't ask again, because he knows that I heard him, and he knows that I'm closed off about things. I know that I don't have to tell him, but I'm so tired of lying to him and keeping things from him. Ian has been so open and honest with me, he deserves the same from me. 

I don't know if it's the exhaustion mixed with how close we are right now, but I feel that it's time to tell Ian everything. 

"My mom was...she was packing up all of his stuff in donation boxes." It's almost as if I can't speak above a whisper, but as close as we are right now, I know he heard me. 

"Your dad's stuff?" 

This is it. There's no going back after this. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, thinking that maybe that will make this easier somehow. 

"No. My brother."

I can hear his heartbeat pick up a little and he doesn't say anything for what feels like forever. His hands were still in my hair but finally he started to move them again, "You have a brother?"