Still Not Skinny

Friends?

I get to school at 7:00 which gives me a half an hour before I have to be to class. Thankfully, my bus gets there before most of my friends which gives me time to go to my locker. Today is no different.

My locker pops open and I exchange my running shoes from my backpack with my Spanish book. Then I reach into my back pocket and pull out the three dollars my mom left for me for lunch. On the top shelf of my locker sits an envelope overflowing with lunch money I’ve collected throughout the school year from never eating lunch. I add today’s money to the abundant stash and slam my locker door closed.

They know. I mean, my friends aren't stupid. They know about my eating patterns. Yet they’ve just sort of come to accept it and don’t bother to try to make me eat. In some ways this makes me feel like they don’t care but at the same time I’m glad they aren’t jumping down my throat about it. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if they told my parents… Would they react the same?

At this point I’m now sitting at my usual spot waiting for my best friend to arrive at school. When she does, I put my music away and talk to her as our other friends slowly begin joining us. Soon enough there are at least 5 different conversations going on and, as per usual, I’m part of none of them.

It isn’t a surprise at all though. I’m nothing special compared to my “friends.” I think they only hang out with me because they feel bad for me. Annie, my best friend, is a slender Asian girl with the most beautiful long, straight, black hair I have ever seen. I am utterly jealous of it. She has such a petite body and she is an extremely likeable person. There’s just something about her innocence that makes her fun to be around. The same thing goes for my other friend Lily-Beth. Her real name is Elizabeth but we all call her Lily-Beth. She’s the sweetest thing on the face of this planet. Yet we joke about her being the perfect stripper. She has gorgeous coffee brown hair, a slim body with curves in all the right places, bright blue eyes, full lips, and pale, smooth skin. She can pull off just about any style and you never know how she is going to be dressed that day. She is the poster child for abstinence based on the way she acts but as I said before, she would be a great stripper. If you saw her, you’d know exactly what I mean.

I sit here and just listen to bits and pieces of the conversations, not bothering to even attempt to join in. Eventually the bell rings and I quietly make my way to my first class by myself. The halls are a mess during passing times. It is almost impossible to get where you need to on time sometimes. People feel the need to stop and socialize right in the middle of the hall despite the traffic jam it causes. If you’re walking with a group of friends, you might not even notice the slow pace because you are so wrapped up in the conversation. However, when you’re walking by yourself as I am, you walk a bit faster and find yourself dodging in between groups of people as you’re just trying to get to your class.

I used to walk to this class with one of my other close friends, Marie, but she refuses to talk to me anymore until I “stop acting weird and get healthy instead of not eating.” I find it funny how she expects me to “get better” but she won’t try to help me or support me. Nope, she just expects me to do it on my own.But who needs friends? After graduation, I most likely won't see any of them again anyways. I wish I had learned to think this way a long time ago. 

I remember the day my friend told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore. After she told me I said "Alright, see you around" and walked in the other direction. My voice did not falter once. It seemed like I truly did not care. Truthfully, I was dying inside. This girl was my best friend. I thought I knew her inside-out. I thought we'd be there for each other for all of high school's ups and downs. Apparently I was wrong. I spent days in my room just crying and literally beating myself up because this was obviously my own fault. For some stupid reason, I can never keep friends. And it was after losing that friend that I decided I wouldn't get too attached to any other friend.