Diary: Page 9

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The diary of the Half-blood Prince

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The diary of the Half-blood Prince

Entry IX:
Some days you are more familiar than the lines on my palm. But I only know how to keep you tucked away like my favourite love letter hoping one day you'll find the ghost of your presence in these words. You say I carry too many metaphors in the pockets of my mind, nothing I ever say is binary, when given a choice between yes and no, my hands always reach for maybe. That's why I never really learnt to say 'I love you'. But it's not like love wasn't there. It's not like it wasn't true.

I keep watching the slow drift of the seasons from my window. Some days the solitude feels like a weight in my chest that won't let me breathe, and some days it works like a safety blanket. Because you see, I never quite learnt how to pronounce intimacy.
So when you try to make a home in my padlock heart, my fingers still tremble to give you the key.
I'm not well-versed in the intricacies of love- all I've learnt about it has been through heartbreak and disappointment and loss. So, I'm sorry that most days it felt like we were dancing between a platonic relation and love, never quite sure where our feet would land.

I can never really call you mine, but my dreams are still haunted by your eyes. I am stuck behind a screen from where I can still see your eyes, that I let down. I keep hoping I would make you smile again. I keep feeling one day these walls would break and I'll be the one holding the axe. I keep hoping that one day I will learn to hold your hand and not feel it's a freefall without a safety net. Without my brain calculating the thousands of ways in which I could die.

I wanted to take the time to know you. On another level; deeper than anyone has ever taken the time to. Understand you as best I can, so that I may love you in a way you never thought possible.

I am learning to open my heart and I want to learn with you.

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