As Long As You Need Me

Chapter XXX

[Trigger warning: Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts]

6:56
Hermione stares at the ceiling with her arm resting on her forehead. Sunrays sneak in through the gap in the curtains. She's watching the dust particles float along the beam of light.

6:57
Her blank eyes travel to the wall- there's a lizard there. She stares at it, apparently immobile, like herself.

6:59
She is still watching the lizard crawling down at a snail's pace and occasionally whipping it's tail.

Tring! Tring! Tring!
The alarm goes off. She slaps a hand over it in order to choke it and pushes off the covers. Her morning starts everyday like this- with her staring at not anything in particular, blinking away the sleep that never came during the night and waiting for the alarm to go off, so that she could start another day of doing nothing again.

She drags herself out of bed and spends another good minute staring at the mirror, sometimes with the toothbrush hanging idly from her hand, not having made all the way to her mouth. She couldn't remember the last time she had washed her hair, however she roughly brushed through it so that she didn't look like the absolute mess she actually was. She pulled on the same pair of jeans she wore all week, threw on an old shirt and covered it up with a baggy sweater.

She had shut her windows closed on the owls that came searching for her and they had stopped coming after the first couple of weeks, having to return dissatisfied to their owners, with the letters tied to their feet, still unopened. Her mailbox remained empty since no one knew where she was and she hadn't subscribed to any newspaper vendor, so there was no one who came calling in the mornings. That was another few bucks saved every month and frankly she couldn't care less about what the world was up to.

Following her morning ritual, she mechanically went to the stove to put the kettle on. Click, and then click click click click, she turned the knobs so that the oven was at its maximum capacity. Her hand seemed to have frozen over the matchbox, as she smelled the gas that was filling the room. She took out a matchstick- one little spark and off we pop!

"Meaaaaooow!"
Startled, the stick slipped from her fingers and she looked around shocked to find Crookshanks at her feet. She quickly turned the stove off and ran to open a window. Breathing in the fresh air that cleared her mind, she scolded herself. "Low point! Real low point! Aaargh!"

After she convinced herself that she was back to her senses again, she strolled back into the kitchen to put the kettle on. Then she opened a can of cat food for Crookshanks and served him on his plate. He hated it but he had come to realise that his owner had become some sort of a vagrant. Hermione ruffled his fur when he started eating without any complaints.

The milk had gone stale so she simply poured the tea liquor into her cup and sat down at the table. Earl Grey tastes best with lemon. She remembered. She hadn't even yet taken her first sip when her eyes fell on the seat opposite her; another cup of tea was sitting there- she had subconsciously made two cups of tea every day since she had come here. The smoke coming off the piping hot tea, the rings that had formed on the surface of the table and the empty chair mocked her. I'm so stupid! What, did she expect to have company?

A slap with the back of her hand and the poor teacup went smashing to the wall, shattering into pieces, some of the hot tea splashing back on her hand as well. Although she welcomed the burning pain, she was forced to hold her scalded hand under the cold tap water and then she stood clutching the sink for support, taking in deep calming breaths. Finally, with a sigh, she began to mop up the mess.

After throwing the last bits of broken china into the bin, she felt herself tremble. All her tears had dried up by now and all she could discharge were dry heaves. She slid down by the kitchen cabinets, pulling at her hair.