CHAPTER SIX
Don't even ask me why I am still going to Impact after being so rude to Abby. In fact, I don't know why I still have hope in this Christian thing if I'm still acting like a jerk, I can't seriously pray, and I can't stop the anger and peer-pressure from getting to me. Am I so desperate I still think I have a chance?
So I arrive at Youth Group a mess. Again. I ignore anyone's stares as I enter with my head down and my hands in fists at my side. I look around and spot Abby talking to both the twins and another girl, who I think is named Angela. I see Max glare at me, and I return the accusing look, only I half-heart it on my face as I quickly avert my eyes from them and find an empty seat at the benches. I look up at the stage and quickly look down when I see Pastor Dave's eyes on me. I play with my mother's locket around my neck, involuntarily, and try to control my conflicting thoughts full of anger, guilt, fear, and most of all, confusion. I am still such a mess. As if I could be changed. That's impossible.
I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn and almost flinch when I see Alex smiling behind me. I don't know what is going through his mind when he asks, "Do you want to hang out with me and my gang tonight?"
I try to ignore the big chunk of silver metal glinting in his lower lip when I impulsively agree and follow him to the back of the room. I sit down next to him and another girl clothed in black and holding a packet of drugs. But for once, the uncomfortable feeling I normally get when around these people is replaced by this adrenaline-junkie rebel phase I normally get into when I'm really hurting inside. I ignore them though, when they all talk to each other and try to get me into their dirty conversations, but I just look straight ahead at the stage, and at Amber, the perfect example of an angel, as she takes her place and starts calling up volunteers for a game. I barely pay attention to the screams and laughter. I just drown myself in my own thoughts and emotions. When Amber tells everyone to sing, I stand and stare at the floor. And when Pastor Dave takes his place to tell us a lesson, I block it out and twiddle with my hair and fingers. Alex has a bored expression on his face the whole time, as do the rest of the group in the back, and I probably look like I'm a member of their club, looking like another angry, up-to-no-good lunatic.
When Impact is over, I quietly stand up, grab my bag, and prepare to exit the building unseen, when Alex grabs my shoulder.
"How 'bout you hang with us tonight." He tells me. It isn't a question. He is thinking I will follow him. I stare at him for a moment, and one clear thought emerges from my mind. Whatever I am, and want to be, I am not that. I am not goth. I don't wear black. I don't take drugs. I don't have facial piercings besides the typical ears. And I don't want to be like that. So why did I agree to sit with him in the back?
"I'm busy." I tell him before racing off. I feel his eyes burning a hole into my back as I walk off.
I end up being one of the last people at the door. I feel the cool, November wind whipping at my skin and clothes and I flinch away from the door as more people hustle in front of me to get out. It takes me a moment to realize that I am the only person still in the building. It seems so private. More private then my room, now that I know that Nate has been shifting through it lately. So I return to a bench and curl up in a ball, burying my head in my knees. I rock on my heels and try to remind myself not to fall off. I want to cry. About everything. About my mom and my dad and Nate and Cindy and Josh and my friends and Abby and Max and Alex and God and sin and happiness and hatred and everything else that zooms through my mind as a topic. I feel a tear start to slip...
"Aster?"
I jump up, startled, into a normal sitting position and spot a silhouette of someone's shadow reflected from the moonlight.
