I slip through the front door only to pause at the entryway to find Nate a few feet away from me, crossing his arms. I take a deep breath and brace myself for a lecture.
"Where were you, young lady?" Nate demands, clearly angry.
I feel rage bubbling inside of me, but I squash it down, determinedly. "Why do you care?"
"Why do I care? Aster, you didn't come home until 8 o' clock! This has gone too far."
"How has it gone too far? You don't even know where I was!"
"Where?"
I take a deep breath, and answer as steady as possible. "I went to church today."
"Aster, Im not that stupid."
"What? You don't believe me?"
"Yeah, I don't. You aren't religious."
"Are you serious? You are actually doubting me? I've gone twice. Last night and today. And you don't believe me. You are unbelievable!"
"What am I supposed to suspect? You don't act at all like you're religious."
"How judgmental can people get? I'm going to church and really wish you'd actually believe me. But apparently, no. So okay. Be it. Believe I am a damn good liar if you believe that's who I am. Go ahead!" And I rush upstairs, feeling Nate's eyes following me up the stairs.
Once I slam the door shut, I want to just collapse on my bed and cry. I partly do that. I lay my head on my bed, but I refuse to let tears slip. I can't be a Christian. It's not in me. And people will never believe me. Not even my own stepfather. I bury my face in the covers in my bed and sigh. If only my life wasn't this complicated.
After what seems like forever, I gradually sit up and rummage through my bag to get out my Spanish homework. I do that quietly at my desk to get my mind off my other problems. I do calculus homework next and my brain hurts but I eventually get it done. I return my papers to their rightful place in my bag when it suddenly topples over and everything spills into my bedroom floor.
"Damn it." I moan. I slide to the floor and pick up all my scattered papers when I spot a navy blue book a little distance away. I hesitantly pick it up and stare at the cover. Holy Bible is engraved on the front. I flip through the pages with curiosity. It's a big book. Huge. I stare at it a moment later, pondering, until finally I sigh and prop myself up on my elbow and flip to the first page. Genesis. I start on the big number one and start reading.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. I learned that awhile ago. I'm tempted to put the book away, but I'm determined to try and find something helpful in this holy book and see why Abby wanted me to have it. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said "Let there be light" and there was light.
Ha, I want to almost laugh out loud. If only my life could be like that. If God could summon light to shine over my dark world. But apparently, he only does that at the beginning of time. I keep reading though, until I finish the chapter. Then I fall asleep on my bed, not even bothering to close the Bible shut.
As the weeks fly by, I realize that my life is not the same, but yet it is. Nate is still the bane of my existence. School is still a pain in the butt. My friends still worship me. I'm still extremely popular. But there are also quite a few changes. I'm going to church twice a week. I'm reading my bible every night. I've gotten more thoughtful. I've tried to narrow down my language and bad habits, but the attempt grows unsuccessful. I kind of end up becoming friends with Abby Brown. And these changes do affect me, internally. It's like, I'm the same awful person on the outside, but on the inside, I'm a whole new person all together, yearning for knowledge and change. It excites me, yet frightens me all at once. Even though I want change, how far am I going to go to get it?
