Let's keep each other safe from the world

Chapter Six - A Handful Of Moments I wished I could change

Song of the chapter: Therapy - All Time Low 

Trigger Warning: Panic attack.

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Awsten was woken by a loud bang. He had always been a light sleeper, so it wasn't much of a surprise to him that Geoff was still sound asleep next to him. However, when he glanced over at the other side, he found that Aurora was no longer lying in his bed asleep.

He decided to go find her, so he pushed the blanket off himself and quietly made his way downstairs. He figured Aurora would be in the kitchen if she was awake because Otto and Jawn would probably still be asleep. Pushing the kitchen door open, he saw Aurora facing away from the door. He was about to say good morning when he noticed she was shaking.

"Aurora, oh fuck." Now he was panicked, and he knew that wasn't good or helpful. She looked so vulnerable and small as he rushed over to her frozen figure and crouched down next to her. His heart was racing, he could feel it as he looked at the face that was staring off with a pained expression.

"Aurora come on, look at me!" He willed his voice to be strong, to be calm, but it came out all wavy and she didn't seem to be listening. He wasn't sure if she even knew he was in the room. Was she so out of it that she couldn't hear him at all, or was she hearing him but unable to move? He felt clueless as he hoped that she would look at him, but her eyes stuck their gaze to the table, her arm still frozen as if she was holding her phone even though it was now laying on the table. It was like someone had turned her into a statue. Awsten's heart shattered, he didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to help. He felt so useless. Pointless. Stupid.

He needed to get her to look at him, he knew that, or at least he thought that could help. He'd heard about grounding techniques. Get people to realise where they are. That they are safe. It had worked with him in the past, knowing that someone was there had been a huge help for him. He reached out, lightly placing his hand on her arm. Wanting her to look at him, to realise that he was there, that she wasn't alone, that she would be okay.

Instead, she jerked her arm away, like someone had burned her. Like he had burned her. Like he had held scorching metal to her arm.

"NO, stop please, stop stop stop!" she cried, her voice cracking and wobbling. He saw her hand fly up to her hair, pulling, tugging. Fuck he was just making things worse.worse.worse. His own breath started racing. He couldn't do this, he was just making it worse. She didn't need this. He couldn't do this.

Geoff. She needs Geoff.

He stumbled away from her, tripping over his own feet as he scrambled his way over to the door shouting "GEOFF!" as he opened it, hoping it would be enough to wake his sleeping friend. He knew that the shouting probably wouldn't be helpful to Aurora, but he also knew he wasn't helping by being there.

"What?" Geoff asked frantically. He must have heard the desperation dripping from Awsten's voice because he came running down the stairs within seconds.

"It's Aurora, she's having a panic attack and I'm just making it worse. Help her. Please." His voice was weak and breathless as he pleaded, even though he knew he wouldn't have to. Geoff would want to help her no matter what.

"Okay, go, she'll be okay, but please go," Geoff asked. He seemed calm, Awsten didn't know how he could do it. He stepped out of his way and let Geoff into the kitchen to be with Aurora, closing the door behind him.

Awsten froze outside the kitchen door, not knowing how to process what had happened. He made it worse. All he wanted to do was to help and he made it worse.

"Awsten what's going on?" he heard Jawn ask. He looked up to see both him and Otto in the living room doorway, staring at him with concern.

"She was having a panic attack. I made it worse," he admitted. He felt like he could move again so he walked into the living room, but then he couldn't stop moving, so he began pacing back and forwards like he was on autopilot.

"Awsten, it'll be okay, she'll be okay, Geoff's with her." Otto tried to soothe him.

"I know," he admitted. He knew she would get through this panic attack, he knew she would be okay in the end, but he hated hated hated that he had made it any worse for her than it already was. All he wanted to do was help her, he wanted to be able to take away all her pain, but instead, he just made it worse. So, he kept pacing, keeping him occupied. Otto and Jawn were talking, but he didn't pay any attention. He didn't know how much time had passed but as he paced back towards the door, he saw Geoff, holding up Aurora, and suddenly he couldn't move again.

Geoff seemed to notice and mouthed 'she'll be okay'. Awsten gave him a small nod watched as the pair started walking again.

When Awsten felt like he could move again, he decided to go sit on the sofa in between Jawn and Otto. He collapsed down and rested his head in his hand, his fingers running through his hair.

"It's gonna be alright you know," Otto reassured him, running his hand up and down Awsten's back in an attempt to be comforting.

"I know, I just hate that I made it worse," he confessed, relaxing into Otto's touch slightly.

"It wasn't like you were trying to make it worse, she wouldn't blame you," Jawn comforted. Awsten gave a small nod and the three of them fell into silence.

It wasn't long before they heard footsteps come down the stairs and Geoff appeared at the doorway.

"Alright, I should probably tell you how to help her through panic attacks, especially if she decides to come on tour with us." He announced as he took a seat on the other sofa. The others just nodded, not really knowing what to say. "Okay, the biggest thing is don't touch her. Even after the attack is over, ask her before touching her, because sometimes she is okay with it and other times she is not, so always ask." Awsten couldn't help the guilt that washed over him. He did the number one thing not to do. He should have known, she is touch adverse even when she wasn't having a panic attack sometimes. He should have guessed. He should have known.

"Also, try and stay calm, and use a really soft voice. You gotta talk to her and keep talking to her even when it seems like she isn't listening. Try and get her attention, and get her to look at you. You have to tell her she will be okay, that everything will be okay, reassure her, tell her that she is doing a good job. And when you have her attention, try and get her to copy your breathing. You are gonna have to exaggerate with that, so she can clearly see your chest rise and fall, got it?" The three of them told Geoff they understood with a nod, none of them able to find any words.

"Oh, and tell her your name, and that she is safe," Geoff concluded with. The three of them nodded, and the room fell into silence once more.

"Alright well, I'm gonna go back upstairs. I don't want her to wake up alone," Geoff told the group, before making his way out of the room.

"Fuck..." Otto muttered, "I knew things weren't good, but I didn't know they were this bad."