B r e a t h .Joshler.

I begin to envy the headlights driving south

I wanna crack the door so I could just fall out. Then I remembered when you packed my car. You reached in the back and buckled up your heart...

I sighed heavily as Josh and Debby talked. Did I say talked? I meant Debby flirted and smiled and flirted and smiled.

I looked out the window longingly at the cars passing by. I wanted to just fall out of the car, away from this heartache. Just as I unlocked the door and was close to opening it,I remembered how before we left, Josh made sure I was in safe. He made sure my seatbelt was buckled and he damn sure left my heart beating faster.

For me to drive away with..

I removed my hand from the door, releasing it with a snap, and locked the door back, sighing. I closed my eyes and when I opened them I locked eyes with Josh through the rearview mirror.

We both smiled and he made faces at me through the mirror and I laughed.

One particular face made me laugh so hard I snorted.I quickly covered my mouth and turned a beautiful hue of pink out of embarrassment.

He mimicked my snort, then we both laughed again. When the laughter died down, he sent a wink to me then muttered "adorable".

I began to understand,

why
god
died...

"What's adorable?" asked Debby. Josh jumped as if he forgot she was there, then said
"Nothing, nothing" while smiling at me again.

Holy shit my heart..

I quickly looked away and at my lap.

"..fuck" I mumbled.

"Something wrong Ty?" Josh asked sweetly.

Yes you handsome fucker you...

"N-no I'm fine" I said instead.

About half an hour later we arrived at the park. More people than I thought were there.

Should I have worn shorts? Nah I'll bw fine. Josh wore shorts though. He has nice legs. Shorts are his thing.

I was broken out of my thoughts by Josh opening the door for me.

"T-thanks J" I blushed.

He smiled. "Anytime".

I went to ask what he wanted to do first, but Debby interrupted.

"Josh! Why didn't you open my door?! I'm your girlfriend not Tyler!"

Josh had a look of shock on his face from what she said. My eyes were filled with tears. She's right, she's so fucking right but it hurt so fucking bad.

He quickly shook the look off his face and walked over to her door, leaving mine to close on my ankles.

"Ouch" I mumbled, pushing the door all the way open and walking out and towards a set of swings a couple feet away.

"I'm sorry baby. Tyler was on my side and- I'm sorry, okay?" Josh said. Before I fully walked away, I saw them kissing from my peripheral vision.

Ew

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After our day at the park,we began driving home, and we played I-Spy.

"I-Spy something absolutely breathtaking" Josh said.

I looked up and saw him looking at me and smirking. Of course, this didn't go unnoticed by Debby. Even if she decided not to say anything.

"Its me isn't it?" She bit her lip and smiled.

"Nope." Josh said, popping the p.

Debby frowned at that.

"Tyler? Do you know?" He asked.

I looked up and out the window.

"Mmmm... The sunset?" I guessed. Not saying "me" like I really wanted to.

"Yes! Good job Ty! Nice try Debs." Josh said, smiling at me.

Debby scoffed and said "So I'm not breathtaking.Hmph". I saw Josh roll his eyes. Oof.

"You know thats not what I mea-" he sighed and said no more after she interrupted him with a "Whatever".

We drove back to their house in silence. When we got there Josh didn't even have to ask me to sleep over. (That's actually not true, he did ask). Anyway obviously I said yes. He went to get blankets for me. When he walked into the bedroom I was only in my boxers about to put on my night clothes. I heard him walk in and I immediately turned and covered my body up the best I could.

"Here are your blankets" He smirked.

"T-thanks.."

"Nice ass by the way" he chimed as he walked out.

I dropped my hands and frowned. He was making this so damn hard to get over him.
~~~~~~~~~~~

I really couldn't sleep. All I heard was Debby accusing Josh of having feelings for me. Apparently Josh's flirtatious-100% platonic (I think) comments and actions didn't go unnoticed. After a while, it died down, but I heard everything.

"What the hell Josh! I'm not blind or deaf! What is going on with you and that-that slut!?"

"Excuse me? Don't call him that!"

"Fuck you I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND. YOU SHOULD BE CALLING ME ADORABLE NOT THAT SUICIDAL WHORE!"

whore

slut

After it all died down,
I tiptoed to the door, grabbed my keys, and almost  began driving.

I can handle this. Ignore her. She is lying.

I don't wanna be here.

I don't wanna be anywhere.

But I'll stay. For Josh.

I'm almost 3 years clean of self harm and I've never wanted to die more.
Just face it, he'll never want you. I told myself.You don't deserve him. He loves Debby. Not you.

Not.

You.

888 words. Thoughts? Also none of this is edited sorryyy.