Fallen

Chapter 16

I found myself walking in the baseball field behind the school. I had sort of blanked out leaving the locker room. One of the few times I had managed to calm my restless mind and send it to a place where I could just be in the moment. Where the worry and the self-doubt went quiet for a little while.

Now all of that came rushing back in and I considered what I was going to do with myself. I decided to do nothing.

Angling off to my left I went over to where the dugout was and climbed down into the hole there. I went off to the side and sat down on the ground, just trying to find a spot to be out of the wind and feel sorry for myself. I sat there in the dirt and considered my life. No family. No real friends. The only real thing I had in my life was Karly.

The shitty part of my mind wanted to throw doubt on that as well, but I would not allow that to happen. If I did I'd open my wrists right there...

I also knew, deep in my heart, the spot that had started to open and make me realize so many of the truths in my life that what I had with her was real.

Nothing I had been realizing lately had been pleasant. My parents were the kind of people that were messed up when they got together. They had popped out a kid and took care of it the best they could but more out of a sense of obligation than out of love.

I wanted to feel bad about that, but realized that I should at least been happy they had taken care of me up to the point that I could fend for myself. It was messed up, but it was still the truth. I could be pissed about it. I could feel sad about it, but neither of those things was going to make the situation better. I realized then that holding on to all that pain was just tearing my mind apart. Better to just let it go.

My friends. We were just ripping and tearing at each other. There, sitting in the dirt alone I realized that what I had always told myself was a lie. They were good people, they just weren't the right people. Better for all of us if I just cut that cord away and made my way on my own...

I realized that there was a pile of old razorblades made of pain and frustration deep within my mind and all I had been doing was adding more and more to it. I had avoided those dark truths and that meant that every time I reached out I just walked away with a host of new cuts...

I wanted to cry but I realized it wouldn't help. The very thought made me think back to a theory I had read once...

People cry as a social cue. When we are in pain we cry so that we send a signal to our social group that we need help.

Sitting here and crying for my pain wasn't helping me. There was no one here to help me... no one but myself, and that meant it was time to get up and start moving...

I knocked on Karly's door and waited. It was awkward to just show up here uninvited. I felt like an intruder.

I knew I shouldn't be feeling like that and decided that I wasn't going to let it freak me out. It was what is was. I needed her right now, so it was time to go find her.

The equation added up, don't overthink it.

Marsha opened the door and smiled at me, "Shawn!"

The dark voice in my mind tried to lie to me and tell me that the smile was false. I knew it wasn't and I told him to shut the fuck up.

I gave her a weak smile in return. "Hello Missus..."

I stopped myself and shook my head, "Marsha."

My smile grew warmer as I felt more comfortable making fun of myself... "I'm never getting used to calling you Marsha..."

She stepped back and motioned me into the house. "I'll cut you some slack when it's just you and me." She told me wryly.

Her house was quiet... it seemed lonely here.

She looked at me expectantly.

I looked around and cleared my throat, "Is Karly here?"

She shook her head sadly, "Sorry honey. She went shopping with Tish. Just little old me here."

That hurt a bit. I needed her.

I pushed that down and refused to let it bother me. I wanted Karly to have friends. I wanted her to be happy and have everything in the world she ever wanted. If that meant I had to suffer a bit I would do it gladly.

I guess my disappointment showed.

Marsha caught it. "Do you need help honey?"

I looked into her eyes and realized they were the same emerald green as her daughter's...

I shook my head, "No. I'm good."

I didn't want to keep talking. I made myself.

Shrugging I finally managed to blurt out, "I didn't get to see her yesterday. I got out of practice and realized I really missed her."

It wasn't completely honest, but it was as honest as I wanted to be with this nice lady that had shown me such kindness and understanding. Someone that had shown me nothing but respect and care.

Make yourself be honest, stop pushing away people that care about you. Marsha does care. My brain screamed to me.

"Plus, I've had a bad couple of days, I could use a little bit of cheering up, and nothing cheers me up like Karly."

Marsha surprised me by hugged me tight. "Sorry about that honey." She whispered in my ear.

When she finally let me go she rubbed my head. "You're a good kid Shawn. Remember that."

I smiled at her shyly and nodded. "People keep telling me that. I'll try to remember though."

She pulled her phone out, "I'll call Karly and tell her to come home."

I reached out and put my hand over her phone. "Please don't."

She looked at me and I could see a sense of warning in her eyes. I had touched on a momma bear nerve...

I stumbled on. "I'll be okay."

I pulled my own phone out. "I can talk to her myself, but I don't want to interrupt her time with Tish. I can wait."

Marsha sighed at me. "You remind me so much of my Joshua..."

She shook her head at me. "He does the same thing. Puts everyone else ahead of his own well-being."

She tilted her head at me, "You know that's not good, right?"

I smiled and nodded. "There are times when it is, and times when it isn't." I met her eyes directly. "I'll try to remember to look for those differences."

I started for the door and she perked up, "Let me grab my keys, I'll give you a ride home!"

I looked at her in horror. "Nope." I blurted out.

She looked at me like I had sprouted a third arm.

I finally laughed at how awkward the situation was. "No way I could deal with that awkward car ride. I'll walk, thanks."

She rolled her eyes at me.

I took the sting out of what I said by giving her another quick hug.

She let me loose and kept her hands on my upper arms, holding me at arm's length. "You aren't going to make me regret letting you out of here on your own, are you?"

I shook my head, "No ma'am. I'll be fine, don't worry about me."

She bopped me on the head and pulled me in for another momma bear hug.

I was on the bus when the text from Karly came in.

Where are you?

I texted her back.

On the bus. I'll be home in a little while. Call you then.

My mom called me.

I threw my head back on the seat, suddenly exhausted. I really didn't want to talk about this. Sad as it was to say, I didn't really want to be around anyone right now. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to crawl back into my hole and have the world stop kicking me for a little while.

I couldn't do that to Karly though. I was a little embarrassed that she had gotten involved in this...

I asked her not to do that. I didn't want to interrupt your time with your friends. Don't worry about it. I'm okay. You don't need to babysit me. I texted her.

It took a few minutes for her response. Can I come over?

I told her she could and put my phone away.

She got to my place a few minutes after I got there. Her knock was subdued and quiet at the door. I was sitting in my big comfy chair. I didn't bother to get up, I just called out to her that she could come in. She entered like she was approaching the den of a wild animal...

I was expecting a lecture. Maybe a fight. Instead she came right over, planted herself in my lap and gave me the warmest, kindest kiss she could find.

I didn't realize how much I needed that until her lips touched mine.

Her lips broke from mine and I sat there quietly, my head pressed back to the chair. Her perfect green eyes bounced back and forth searching my soul for the pain as only she could. She ran her fingers down my face and pressed her fist to my heart, and things felt just a little bit better.

She shook her head at me. "What happened?" she asked me, the sorrow in her voice a palpable thing.

It was almost too much for me. My heart snapped in half and I pulled her into me and hugged her tight. I felt so alone...

She was right to come to me. I had needed her more than I had known. I needed someone right then.

She hugged me back as I tried to get control of the raging river of depression that started to sweep me away.

Tears burned through my closed eyes as I rocked her. "I'm sorry." I sobbed.

She clung tighter to me. "Shhh.... Don't be sorry. It's okay."

I felt so weak...

"It's okay." She whispered.

"I'm so sorry. I'm trying to be tough..."

She kissed my head. "I know baby. I'm sorry."

I took a few moments and enjoyed the feel of her in my arms, how protected I felt with her arms wrapped around me. I tried to focus on how good she felt, how much I loved her. I tried to control the swirl of emotions in my heart. All of them were like razorblades circling around inside of me...

I tried to calm them... but I could not.

Finally, I did the one thing I could. I flipped the switch in my mind and just made them stop. They hurt too much, so I went to the place where I keep my secrets and I put all of the pain there. I made myself be empty...

I didn't feel the pain anymore. I didn't feel the comfort of Karly in my arms. The joy and pride of my little house. The sense of accomplishment I had achieved through so much hard work. I felt nothing.

I took a deep breath and pushed away from Karly, finally looking up into her eyes. Eyes that normally would have been so beautiful to me, eyes that would take my breath away. Now they were just eyes...

She flicked me in the nose.

Hard.

"Knock that shit off."

My nose was still broken...

The pain snapped me out of it. I pulled her in close and felt a surge of panic snap through me. I shook my head... "I don't understand." I finally told her.

"I'm fine." I assured her.

She pulled back from me and looked at me hard, shaking her head. "Don't you get it?" She grabbed my head and held it hard. "This is why you're breaking down, and I understand it. You're so full of pain that you can't hide it away any more. Every time things get to be too much you just dump a bunch of gas all over the corridors of your mind, light and match, and step out. You think it resets everything, that it makes the pain go away. It doesn't."

She lay her face against mine. It should have felt good, but right now it just felt hollow. "You have to deal with your pain. You can't just hide it away..."

Her lips brushed mine and something cracked inside me...

I loved her so much...

I pulled her into me and kissed her with every fiber of my being. It was like a gate opened inside me and instead of pain welling out of it I was filled with an overwhelming need for her...

Not physically. I just needed her right then. I needed her to be there with me. To share this pain with me...

My arms wrapped tight around her and I pulled her into me. She returned my kiss with gusto, turning and straddling me, wrapping her arms tight about my neck.

We clung to each other as we kissed...

It was a long kiss...

When we broke, my head fell back and I felt such joy that I couldn't help but smile.

She looked at me with doubt. "Are you lying to me right now?"

I ran my fingers down her face in our own private little salute. I held my hand to my heart and looked at her, meeting her eyes and making her understand that I was, for once, really and truly being honest with her.

I took a deep breath. It was time to open up. It was time to let go of just a little bit of the pain that I had tried to hide away.

I nodded at her. "I'm good." I tapped myself on the chest, "It still hurts, but I just realized that it doesn't have to. I realized I'm not alone, not as long as I have you."

She grabbed my head between both her hands and shook her head at me. "I really want to say you're being stupid right now, but I don't know what happened. Tell me."

I took a deep breath. "It may seem stupid."

She pecked me on the nose. "It won't be stupid."

I put my hand on her hips and looked up into her beautiful face. "My friends ditched me last night. We were supposed to do something and it turns out that they were pissed at me for spending so much time with you. Instead of talking to me about it, they decided that they would ditch me."

I could see anger splash over her face.

Then a fair amount of sorrow...

"It made me realize that they can go fuck themselves. I told them as much today at practice."

I made a wry face, but I kept looking into her eyes, trying to make her understand that I had made the right choice for me in that moment. "I know it may seem extreme... but I need people to be there for me." I shook my head.

She made a strange face at me, "I don't understand."

I threw my head back in my chair and tried to really think about it. It was important that she understood what I was saying. If I didn't make her understand she would worry...

"You know that feeling that you get when you walk down a flight of stairs and you miss a step? You think you're at the bottom, but there's one more step? When you just step out into empty air?"

She raised an eyebrow at me and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I know that feeling."

"It isn't the drop that's a problem, it's that you expected one thing and got another." I knew I was explaining it all wrong, but I didn't know how to say this and make her understand. "I know this is harsh. I know it's extreme, but right now, I'm better off alone than I am depending on people who are going to let me down."

The look of sorrow came back into her face.

I shook my head. "Don't feel bad for me. It hurts, but this is better for me. This hit me so fucking hard because I was already feeling alone and when they turned their backs on me and it just drove me deeper into the hole."

I grabbed her hips hard and squeezed her. "I can handle this on my own, but I can't do it with people kicking me while I'm down. Does that make sense?"

She sighed... "I think it does... it really sucks, but it does make sense."

I wrapped her up in my arms and scooped her up. She wrapped her arms and legs around me as I carried her over to my bed. She clung to me tightly as I lay her down gently, laying myself over the top of her...

My face moved to hers as I lay kisses gently up the side of her neck. She threw her head back and gasped as ran my hands up her sides.

I rolled off her and lay on my side beside her, pulling her body to contour to mine as I finally found her mouth with mine. My hand found its way up beneath her t shirt to the soft skin of her flank and I rubbed against that smooth skin as I worked my way around to her back.

Her hands worked their way across my neck and shoulders, sending delicious waves of pleasure and relaxation through the knotted muscles there. Everything about her, everything she did to me felt delicious.

I wrapped my right arm around beneath her head and pulled her close to me, kissing her lips in small clipping movements, just short little kisses as I repositioned myself between each kiss.

My left hand worked its way up her side, finally tangling in the smooth fabric of her bra...

I knew I didn't need to ask, but it always felt good to have her tell me I could...

"Can I unwrap my present?"

She ran her nails over the stubble on my face... a look of sudden sadness smashing across her face. She bit her lip and I was suddenly worried...

"I'm on that time of the month..." she whispered.

Her eyes went down, like she was ashamed.

Dawning realization crashed into me. She felt like she was letting me down!

I smiled at her and tilted her chin back up to me so she could see my eyes. Her eyes were wet...

I shook my head at her. "It's okay baby girl." I put my hand back on her side and kissed her hard, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her tight against me. Our legs tangled together and we lay there clinging to each other, kissing and massaging each other, simply enjoying each other.

We finally broke and she looked into my eyes... "I could go down on you if you want?" she asked me timidly.

I popped up suddenly, dropping her on her back on the bed and dropped my lips against her neck and blew a raspberry on her neck.

She started giggling and kicking at me, smacking me on the head and generally putting up a pretty weak fight as I continued to blow on her neck. I added in some tickling for good measure, before she stopped me with a wince of pain.

I stopped as I realized I was too rough with her.

It was hard for me to roughhouse gently and I knew sometimes I forgot my own strength...

I lay back down beside her and looked into her eyes, "I'm sorry. I'm like a big clumsy dog with his favorite toy sometimes..."

She ran her fingers over the ridge of my eyes, "Not your fault. Cramps." She again started to look miserable. "I'm sorry."

I caught her face before she could start looking down again, realizing her own demons were coming back to haunt her.

I realized then that Mike was probably a huge dick to her when her period came. She was probably really self-conscious about it, and she most likely thought I was going to get pissed at her that I couldn't have any...

Combine that with the fact that she had always used sex to pull me out of my funks and she was probably really reeling, looking for a way to try to help when she thought she couldn't.

What she didn't realize was it wasn't the sex that pulled me out of my funk, amazing as it was. It was her.

It was her love for me.

It was how she shared herself with me.

It was how when she saw me way down in the dumps she put all of her other worries and concerns aside and put me first.

It was how much I loved her.

I brushed her bangs away from her eyes and looked at her perfect face. I shook my head as I wondered, not for the first time, how I had been so lucky to find the perfect girl for me. How I had been so lucky as to have the perfect girl for me just drop down next to me one night and insist I pay attention to her. That I open my eyes and realize that perfection was right there in front of me if I was just smart enough to open myself up and look at it.

She watched me shake my head at her and finally she got self-conscious about it. "What?"

I ran the middle finger of my hand up her face and across her cheek, "I was just wondering how I was ever going to let you know how much I love your perfect ass."

She smiled and kissed me, one of those perfect, sensual kisses she knew how to lay on me. The one with just the perfect amount of lips and tongue...

My breath sped up and my hand found its way back down to her side.

Her arms wrapped back around me, pulling me in tight to her...

Suddenly she broke it off, "We should stop."

I was surprised, wondering what I had done wrong...

I backed off, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. "Okay, what's wrong?"

My intent wasn't to pressure her, it was to find out what made her uncomfortable so I wouldn't do it in the future.

She again looked miserable. She bit her lip and played with my shirt as she stared at my chest. Her body language had curled up and she truly looked uncomfortable. She finally spoke, "I just don't want you to get too excited. I don't want you to get mad at me, 'cause we can't... you know."

She forced a smile onto her face and put her hand on my cheek. "I know you've had a really bad couple of days... and I wish I could..."

I put a finger over her lips and stopped her before she could even let that stupid thought escape her lips. I shook my head at her. "You're not my fucktoy, and you sure as fuck ain't my stress ball to squeeze on every time I have a bad day."

Pulling her tight against me her body language opened up and she relaxed almost immediately. She smiled at me...

I put my nose close to hers and inhaled her scent, just luxuriating in the feel of her so close to me. I felt the fire she stirred in me rage up and stir around inside my body...

Forcing it back down under control I opened my eyes and looked at her seriously, "I appreciate you sharing your body with me, but it isn't something I'm owed."

I kissed her lips gently.

I shook my head at her, "You are so perfect."

She smiled at me shyly.

I moved my face down the hollow of her neck, allowing my hot breath to move across the sensitive flesh there...

She threw her head back and arched her back, feeling my energy.

My left hand ran over her side as I ran my face close to her neck and her face. I never once kissed her, never pushed her any closer to anything sexual. I wanted her to feel what I felt for her. How good she made me feel just by being close.

I finally settled by rubbing my nose against hers. Her back slammed down on the bed, her eyes opened and came back into focus.

She managed to meet my gaze.

"See, doesn't that feel delicious?" I asked her.

She nodded her head drunkenly.

I knew I had her. She wanted me so badly she would have done anything for me right then, and been happy to do it.

I cradled my body over hers and kissed her gently. "I love this..."

She was panting, "Love what?"

"Just feeling you. I know I can't have you right now but this feels so much more delicious because of that." I met her eyes so she would know I was telling her the truth...

"I wanted to have sex with you, not so I could get off... I wanted to feel you."

I put my face close to hers and let the fire of my hormones flare back up. Something about that feeling inside of me must have been communicated to her as she once again clutched me and started to arch her back. Her breath sped back up and she wrapped her fingers in the arm of my shirt, pulling me into her harder. I slid between her legs and pressed my body into hers gently. I wasn't sure what would make her uncomfortable so I took it extremely slowly and just slowly ground my hips into hers as I kissed at her neck and ran my nose up the side of her neck and jaw.

She moaned as I pressed my hips into hers and I took that as a sign she was enjoying herself. I ran my cheek against hers and I pressed myself into her again, rubbing the stubble of my face against her smooth skin. She arched her back harder and pulled me into her desperately. My mouth found hers and I kissed her sensuously. She moaned desperately as I pushed myself into her and enjoyed the feel of our bodies against one another.

I snuck a quick peek at her as we moved in time with each other. I wanted to make sure she was enjoying herself...

She was.

I realized what a disservice we had done ourselves there by jumping to sex as quick as we had.

We had missed out on the beauty and joy of awkwardly exploring each other. Of the long make out sessions that most couples enjoyed as they tried to convince themselves that having sex was okay.

She was panting in pure ecstasy as I started to bring her back down slowly. I slowed my kissing and the grinding of my hips into hers. I wanted her to feel comfortable and pushing too far too fast was going to ruin that, and there was no way I was going to ruin this perfect moment...

I slid back to her side as she finally came fully back into herself, her eyes suddenly coming back into focus...

She smiled at me, "You are so getting your dick sucked right now..."

I laughed and kissed her, shaking my head at her. "No, I'm not."

I pulled her in closer to take the sting out of it. "I'm cut off until we can both enjoy it together."

She kissed me hard and forced herself playfully on top of me. She raised up and ground her hips on mine, sending a shiver of delicious pleasure through me. A wicked smile slid onto her face as she spread her fingers across my chest and ground herself into me again.

It was my turn to arch my back and lose myself...

With a growl, I was able to pull myself back and force my back and hips down. I tried to breath deep as my desire for her raged within me anew.

She saw me pull myself back together and I knew I was screwed... maybe not literally, but screwed all the same.

She took it as a challenge...

"What if I say you're not cut off?" She purred.

I almost lost control. I almost rolled her over right there and tore her clothes off, time of the month or no.

I instead laughed nervously. "Baby girl, I'm good. I had fun. I just want to be with you right now."

There was a mix of strange emotions in her eyes. Love for certain. Anger, which was surprising. Lust, and a ton of that. Most satisfying was a beautiful look of playfulness.

I knew then I was done. She was going to drive me over the edge and take me wherever she wanted to take me.

She bit her lip and threw her head back, rubbing herself aggressively into me again. It felt so delicious I simply let my head fall back.

Then I figured, what the hell. I was going to give her a fight. Let's see what kind of a show she could put on.

I grabbed her hips and started to push myself up.

She ground her teeth, put her hands on my shoulders and threw the weight of her upper body on me, forcing my back down onto the bed.

She shook her head at me, "Face it big boy. You've lost. Just lay there and enjoy it."

I ground my teeth at her and shook my head. "Not gonna happen." I threw a little cocky into the mix. "I'm too tough for you."

She threw her head back and laughed. Off came her shirt.

I was so fucked.

She put her hands on her hips... "Still think you're too tough?"

I bit my bottom lip and shook my head... "No. Fuck, you are so perfect..."

A look of pure joy smashed onto her face as she burst out laughing and threw herself down, kissing me savagely.

My traitorous arms encircled her and pulled her perfect body down onto mine. I was tempted to reach up and unsnap her bra, but I forced myself not to...

Her hips continued to gyrate against mine...

God, I wanted her so much!

I let my hands explore her firm back, rubbing the muscles there and relishing the feeling of her.

Her lips broke from mine and she pushed her body back away from mine. Her hands found mine... "Silly boy... by tits are on this side..."

True to her word... she showed me where they were.

Her mouth found mine again as I rubbed her breasts. I was a little too enthusiastic and she hissed at me. "Careful now... sensitive right now."

I tucked that little nugget of information away from future reference.

Before I could finish the thought her mouth was on mine hot and aggressively, her tongue exploring the inside of my mouth with gusto. Her face moved across mine and I was lost in a sea of desire for her. My hips rose to meet hers, my cunning hands refused to stop massaging her breasts...

My breath came in ragged gasps as her mouth worked its way down the side of my neck. I wanted her so badly...

She took her mouth off of me and I felt her reach around behind her back...

Uh-oh.

"Let's just get this out of the way..." She unhooked her bra and I felt the fabric suddenly go limp in my hands and like that the flesh of her was beneath my fingers.

Her mouth found every single sensitive spot on my neck...

I felt her fingers working the button of my jeans and I suddenly couldn't remember why I was fighting her...

I remembered then, I was waiting for her.

Grabbing her fingers, I stopped her. "No, no. I'm cut off."

She growled at me and pulled my hands back up to her breasts. "Nobody said you could move your hands mister."

I threw my head back and hissed in frustration. This was so hard...

She giggled as her kisses worked their way across my chest and up the other side of my neck. "The teasing can stop any time you want it to... all you have to do is tell me to suck your dick."

I really wanted her to. Fuck, I really needed her to.

I shook my head weakly, "I'm good, thanks for the offer though..."

Her lips found mine, crushing my soul with a kiss only she could give me. "Please?" She whispered.

I shook my head... it couldn't hurt, right? I mean, it would be so good, and she didn't seem to mind.

"Nope." I managed to sputter.

Her hand cradled itself around my head and she kissed me harder. "Please let me suck your dick?"

There was no way I was this lucky.

I shook my head weaker. No.

Her kisses grew gentler and she whispered between kisses, "Why not?"

That was enough to snap me back to my senses. I knew why not. She wasn't my puppet. She didn't exist for my sexual gratification. She existed for me to love her.

My hands came away from her breasts and I caught her face between my hands. Smiling at her with all the joy in my heart I told her, "Because I love you, and I want you to know I'll always wait for you, and I'll always love you."

Her eyes started to water.

I smiled at her, "Plus, this is so much better."

And then I kissed her.