All of Me

twenty • goodbye

• • •

The entire weekend, I felt as though time had been suspended. I was floating in midair, minutes slowly dragging by until suddenly Saturday was over and Sunday soon met the same fate. In the moment, I thought the days would never end when all I was doing was passing time, hanging out with Mom and Gray and Tad.

The only time I snapped out of my daze was when I realized I never finished my essay. I freaked out, my heart in my throat, until Gray went red and told me that he did it. He did my essay for me while I was with Kris on Friday and he handed it in on time, and he forgot to tell me until I was losing my mind about failing freshman year.

I don't know what I did to deserve that. I read the essay he wrote, using my notes and the first page I had written, and it was perfect. He said everything I had wanted to say – well, a lot more to be fair – and he strung it together in that magical way he can just make things right. I thought he had left us so he could go read, but he was writing that for me.

Of course, I cried when he said that, and when he showed me the submission receipt, and when I read the amazing essay that he somehow whipped out of his ass at the last minute. I felt terrible. I still do, five days later. It's been a weird five days. I'm in a daze, my head only screwed on tight when I'm driving. It was strange going to college on Monday like everything was normal, and it was strange to realize that everything is normal, really.

I mean, nothing has really changed. I just have the answer to a question I've been asking for two years. It's not like anything is about to change. It's just been odd, knowing that Kris is dealing with everything in New York, that when he comes back it'll be with what's left of Dad.

He's due to land this afternoon. Gray said we should just take the day off but I think I needed to be here. I didn't want to get in the car at the start of the week but the least I could do for him was make sure he didn't miss his date with Navya. While they had coffee, I went to the Theta Chi Theta house and told Liam everything, from the day Dad disappeared until the moment Kris left for New York.

I didn't cry. At least, not until he hugged me so tightly that I couldn't breathe for a second, and he looked so upset that I couldn't help but well up again. It was kind of exhausting, and cathartic. More good than bad. He cared. That was all that mattered.

I haven't seen him since then, two days ago. I was going to have coffee with him at lunch yesterday, when Gray and Navya had a second date, but I just didn't feel up to it. My head's kinda full right now, but I'm not sure how to empty it.

"Hey." Gray waves his hand right in front of my face, peering up at me. "You're, like, a million miles away," he says, stirring his iced coffee. We have one more class today, and I can't wait to get home. Kris will probably be back before us, which means as soon as I step through the door, I'll be closer to Dad than I have been since the day he disappeared.

It's a jarring realization but I'm starting to go numb. My emotions are totally spent. I give Gray a smile, but we both know my heart isn't in it. It's hard to focus on my drink and my classes when all I can think is that in a few hours, this will all be over. All the waiting and wondering and wishing. After wanting a proper goodbye for so long, I'm about to get it but I don't know how to feel about Dad's funeral.

"Wanna head back early?" Gray asks. He slurps his coffee. "I don't think anything bad will happen if we skip lit theory." He chuckles and adds, "I don't think anything good will happen if we don't skip it."

"No." I shake my head. "We've skipped a lot. We should go." I clasp my hands together and fill my lungs.

"How're you feeling?"