All of Me

thirty-eight • work it out

• • •

I hate how much I miss him. I hate that no matter how much he hurt me, how broken and worthless he made me feel, I miss him. I miss having someone who loved all of me, someone to kiss. Someone who could hold me and I wouldn't recoil at the thought of their hands on my body.

I didn't go to college on Monday. I couldn't face it. After a weekend of not leaving the house, with Mom and Gray and Tad doing their best to cheer me up and give me space, I did manage to drag myself behind the wheel to drive to South Lakes on Monday, but that was as far as I could go. The second I parked, I lost all confidence.

I was convinced everyone knew. Everyone would stare. People would whisper behind my back, sharing the story of my humiliation like a harmless piece of gossip. I know it was paranoia, but I couldn't bring myself to step foot on campus. Instead, I waited until Gray left before I cried in my car, and I spent a few hours in a quiet Starbucks a few miles from college before a long shift at the bookstore.

Tuesday was the same. On Wednesday, I resolved to go to class but the moment I got out of the car, I saw Davis across the quad. My resolve crumbled. Thursday and Friday, I didn't even leave home. Gray had a migraine – at least, that's what he said – and I didn't need convincing to stay home. It did take a bit of convincing to call in sick to work, though. I was scared Rich would say no and at first he did, until Navya backed me up and made him so uncomfortable with fake details of a heavy period that he just told me to stay home.

Now it's been ten days since I broke up with Liam. Ten days since I spoke to him. Ten days that he has spent texting and calling. My voicemail is filled with teary messages, my inbox full of pleading texts. On Tuesday, a bunch of flowers showed up on the doorstep. All my favourite colors. On Thursday, a cake turned up from the café in South Lakes. We ate it after dinner, when I stopped Gray from smashing a perfectly good dessert.

Now it's Monday again, after a slightly less awful weekend, and the start of the last week of college before the winter break. I can't believe this semester has flown by so fast, though I guess I was having fun for most of it. I was head over heels in love. Something tells me next semester is going to be a drag, but I'm ready for Christmas. Mom keeps saying the only cures for a broken heart are time and family.

Like I don't already know that. Our hearts have been broken quite enough. But she's right. After Dad died, there were so many times I was sure I couldn't go on, but I made it. If I can make it through that, then I can handle my heart getting trampled on by the guy I fell for. No big deal, right?

Except it sure as hell feels like a big deal when I'm trying to eat breakfast despite lacking an appetite, which disappeared half a second after Navya told me what she'd heard. I'm making my way through an unappetizing bowl of cereal when Mom pushes a plate of toast towards me.

She was devastated when she found out what happened. After sleeping through the whole ordeal on Friday night, she woke up on the Saturday to catastrophe. Tad and Gray explained what had happened when I couldn't bring myself to vocalize it again; I heard Tad tell her what he overhead Liam saying to me. She wept. I wept. Again. It was a really, really bad weekend.

"So, this is your last week?" Mom sits down next to Tad. The fact that he's here for breakfast, actually sitting down rather than grabbing an apple and a banana on his way to work, means it's too early. The burning in my gut tells me the same.

"Yup." I give up on the cereal with a few mouthfuls to go, and tear the toast into a few pieces. Mom watches me, like she doesn't think I'm going to actually eat it. I make a point of chewing and swallowing.

"I can't believe you've done a whole semester of college already, honey," she says with a smile. "I'm so proud of you."

Honestly? I'm proud of me too. It hasn't been easy.