What had happened in my life

age 15- what did i do?

every once in awhile i dont know how but i mess up in life... ok not in a while maybe every time. got into trouble with my parents bc i couldnt see the trap i set for myself i mess up every chance i can get.... every good thing comes with several bad things i dont know how to stop myself from making the mistake every up and down every twist and turn i keep crashing and burning so many times no matter how i try to avoid it it always comes bck i dont know what to do i have talked about it and nothing helps...

the last time i got in trouble was at a pool i was going to the pool with 2 friends and they brought a person i didnt know so i stayed away well we were having fun then at break we left to get food and head bck to my friend's place to watch a movie well my mother said i need to call her when im done with the pool and i didnt she called me asking what i was doing i said i was watching a movie at regina's place my mother was not happy she said i told u to call me when u were done im on my way to come and get u i said ok and hung up

she came and got me and took my phone when i got in the car i didnt say a word i got inside my grandparents house and went straight to shower after that i didnt have my phone or laptop and i was bored i didnt know what to do it was hot outside and inside well i think 2 weeks passed i still dont have a phone and my mother asked me out of the blue for my password i gave it to her i didnt care anymore i knew she was gonna read my messages and go through everything i had i didnt care so i got in trouble again for my messages that happened way back and im getting yelled at and my parents are mad my dad is crying and im sitting there saying nothing i have nothing to say to them they have pushed me to my limit

they want me to talk to them and i dont bc they will get mad most of the time or i get ignored and thats why i blocked them out and now the only person i talk to is my nana she has been there for me every since my self-harming state she didnt yell at me she didnt hit my open cuts she just talked to me i cried and cried for hours when she did but it was just me and her hell i am 16 and i only talk to my nana bc she is like a freaking mother to me idc wht others say about me bc ik is i can talk to my nana and i wouldnt have no problem talking to her but talking to my parents i cant do that they hurt me to much

i get it they want me to be better but cant they see they r hurting me i have been told i have strick parents and i told them i know but they dont hear me i have locked myself in a room everyday cause i dont want to talk to them i have blocked them out but they wont understand they have pushed me to my limits its like they keep pushing me until im about to fall off a cliff and soon enough i am going to have push and im gonna fall all the way done in pain and suffering i have crashed and burned so many times but getting one finally push can push me off the cliff and leave me to be in pain and cry my heart out i have been teased in my family and im done with it i stopped listening and caring

why should i care? why should i listen? why should i keep getting pushed and pushed until im falling off a cliff just to be the perfect daughter? just why?! im hurting and im in pain but they r to blind by wanting me to be the perfect daughter for them! all i know is my life has been controlled by them why cant they one there eyes for once and see how badly they r treating my if i picture it im on the edge of a cliff beaten black and blue and ready to fall but my parents are blinded by a perfect daughter they want in there life! im srry if im a screw up, a mistake of a daughter! 

i have been treated wrong through my life and nobody sees it bc they r blinded by wht they see and not wht they hear nobody can hear a little crying wishing she could be better for everybody to see but the person helping her is a broken down screw up mistake daughter everybody says oh u will be fine u just have to learn. im over here screaming my head off in my mind thinking " how am i supposed to be fine?! im the mistake in my family! i have the bad side of my parents im the figure that hides in the darkness never to be seen bc im always there always hiding away bc im not the daughter they want in there life im the one they got stuck with and they could have had a better daughter but they got me and kept me hidden until i became the perfect daughter.

never have i ever seen myself become the perfect daughter im just a messed up person that has been beaten up by words and actions from my parents and my siblings im the outcast in my family never to be seen and never to be heard from always quiet and easy to forget... the worse thing is being compared to my other siblings hear oh im so proud of u i knew u can do it and everybody but wht i get is u could have done better but no u always on ur phone and on ur laptop... im getting yelled at almost everyday in my life and i cant get away from it no matter where i go or what i do it always me getting yelled at 

i have gotten to the point i dont cry unless im done with everything and i cry at once but if im getting yelled at i can stop myself before the tears fall i have done it for 6 years and look where i am. im still the mistake, the screw up, the worse daughter of them all and guess what im not changing bc i stay the way i was meant to stay i dont care if i have the bad sides of my parents i mean its not my fault its wht i learned from them and they want to blame my friends no its not them it you bc i have seen my mother sexting other guys i have seen my dad talk to other women in front of me and i say nothing until i get in trouble bc its not my fault it just what happens in my house that i learn the bad stuff bc there is very little good things around here and i get the bad stuff

im srry for the way i acted in this chapter i mean it is wht it is that how i was treated as and thats how i still see it as its not my fault its my parents until they realize its to late for it i cant be stopped 

~~~~~ kitten is out~~~~