What had happened in my life

Age 17- Scared and body hating

  So its been a while since i've worked on another chapter for any of my books, i'm so sorry for not updating but it will be even harder to updating knowing i'm in my senior year of high school... well might as well go on with the story.... Hope you enjoy (please don't judge)

       Well when i was 16, I know i talk about finding the right guy but this guy has been there for 4 years as my best friend and we dated before but... i always felt like a burden to him when ever he was playing football with his friends, every school morning, at lunch, after school.... at anytime well let's start from how i'm scared.... a few months ago i was in a abuse relationship it hurt me so bad i was so scared to stand up for myself and i lost my mind to the point i was close to self-harming again.... all because my ex would do was abuse me (mental, physical, emotional, and verbal )

     I was so hurt that i felt broken just by my ex i would always run away from him and go to my best friend (my man) and try so hard to not cry but i would fake my smile.... every day, no matter the heat, i would always wear a jacket because i had bruises showing i was getting abused but i never told anybody, until one day me and my ex had a bad fight and i finally left him... i was crying because i felt so happy but then i remembered he knew where i lived and i would always be scared to go home and see him waiting for me... it got worse and worse to the point i would cry myself to sleep or stay awake because of that....

      After leaving my ex, he messed with my head so bad i get scared when somebody i trust or know touches me i stiffen up or flinch and the fear i have of getting yelled at got worse. I had my friends tell me "he's not gonna touch you anymore" or "your free" but i never believed it until i saw it myself.... i had a friend report him of his abuse and after that i felt a little safe until he would try so hard to find me once i heard he was looking for me i would run to one place he wouldn't be able to touch me, and that was my man's arms.

   After 6 months of being with my man and knowing him for 4 years now... three days after my birthday he proposed to me i said yes, that day i felt so happy because i get the man i have loved since i first met..... until now recently, i have had several guys want to date me but they know i'm taken and they don't care i blocked them and i was ok until i started getting more and more anxiety attacks it gets worse and worse every one i have.... i only have three people to help, my nana, my girl best friend (aka my sis not by blood), and my man they know when something is wrong .....

   But i started shutting my nana out and my girl best friend, my man, i love him to death but i cant tell him what im scared of or how im really hating myself.......i have always been scared of being forgotten and slowly that has been happening to me, i can't keep it up with my fake smile knowing i could break down any minute..... i started body hating myself for years and i grew the insecurity of my stomach, legs, chest, everything i tried to break free from it but my mind starts to play games with my thoughts and feelings... i started to think because of the games 'am i good enough', ' am i just somebody on the side', 'will i be forgotten', 'am i not important to anybody' it would get worse by every thought

    Crying every day and night wondering 'am i good enough' for anybody but i get no answer when i ask a question until i see what my future holds.... i've lost so many people in my life for the past 6 maybe 7 years from people in middle school 6th grade to people in high school Junior year (11th) all because i was forgotten, used, ignored, or they were fake..... on many times i've told them " i got your back as long as you got mine" i hold to my promise because that's my word but turned out i have to look after myself and the people i care for i have to protect forgetting my pain, my tears, my everything but my happiness, i do everything i can to make sure everybody is happy before i worry about myself

   Soon everybody will know i've changed this year from a happy person to a cold person and cutting people out of my life for being ignored, used, breaking promises, and they forgot about me... it's hard to do it but ill survive through it and break free from the chains that chain me down to the ground... im the protected, the sister, the "mother", the fighter, but im only one person's lover.... but i hope soon i can stop being scared and stop body shaming myself.... but for now i live in fear until i get some help.... help that i need but nobody can help when im scared to open up 

    Well guys that the end of this chapter i might do another one in a week but i hope to see y'all soon and to post more chapters for all my books and keep yall reading thank you for reading and i hope to see yall in the next chapter.