five last letters

Annie

My little sister,

How will I ever be able to explain all this to you? You're still so young. I wasn't even sure you would understand why I'm not here anymore. Of course, you're not stupid, but you're still young and you shouldn't be going though this. This is nothing someone of your age should endure. I mean, seriously, you're ten. You haven't even met your father and now you lose your brother? That's not okay. None of this is fair for you. And I wish it were up to me to change all this so you can have a normal childhood. One without sadness and grief and a mother who is probably now overwhelmed with guilt - even though she didn't do anything.

You're my baby sister, Annie, and you're not supposed to be sad.You got to promise me that, no matter what, you will keep this childish attitude you have about you. Childish, lovely, full of dreams and hope. Naive. Never think the word naive is one with a bad connotation. It's a good thing. Naivity means you're innocent and good and that you believe in the best of people. Yes, you're still young, but you're gonna be a great young woman one day. I know that.

I also know when I first held you in my arms. Mum was asleep in the hospital and I snuck out of her room and literally tiptoed to the child's nursery. You were there, in a little bed, sleeping so peacefully that I could feel my heart jump at the sight. I smiled at you and then you opened your big, green eyes and you just chuckled. It sounded so lovely and you were such a wonderful baby full of life. Never ever lose that way about you. You're special, even though you cannot see it.

I know what you see when you look into the mirror. You see the freak everyone is trying to call you. They are all trying to make you feel like a freak, so listen to me - you are not. You are a good and gentle person and you understand so much more of life and death than many people ever will. And you don't deserve this, you didn't deserve any of this, but I promise it will get better. No more sadness, Annie.

You were beautiful, the day you first went to school. You were so excited and I could literally see the happiness glowing in your eyes. It made you even prettier. You thought, school is the best that could happen to you. Arts, the thing you loved the most. You could sit in the arts rooms and draw like nothing else mattered. Like this was your life. You were happy child.

And I also remember that we met after your first day in school on the parking lot. You were crying.

'My god', I had whispered and pulled you into an embrace. 'What happened, are you alright, Sweetie?'
  You just shook your head. You weren't even really able to talk. I sat you on a little rock and knelt down before you, taking your hands.
  'Come on, who did this?', I asked again and you looked at me with watery eyes. Your lips were trembling as you answered.
  'The two girls in my class ... Amara and Chloe. They took my breakfast and ripped my books apart ... and then they said I'm a freak.'
  'Why so?', I mumbled, looking around on the parking lot to see if there were any girls fitting the age. Anger reared through me, but I stayed calm. For you.
  'They say, no one should be so naive when they go to high school.', you sobbed. 'Or should be happy about butterflies.'

I stood up and saw at the two girls, coming closer. They were laughing and pointing at us.
  'Now listen to me.', I said. 'Butterflies are beautiful and you are supposed to be happy about them. When you aren't happy about the little things in life - what is life worth living for? Now tell me, are those the two girls that bullied you?'
  You looked at the girls coming closer and nodded. 'Yes it's them.'
  'Wait.', I said and went to those girls.

I never told you what I said to them so that they stopped and I will not tell you now, either. But I hope they will not continue bullying you now that I'm gone. I also hope, that you go to school happily and continue that lovely childish way. It's beautiful.

We were once at the sea, in holiday, somewhere in Portugal. It was the only time we actually went somewhere else in the school holidays. The water was icy cold but you took off your shoes and walked through it anyways. You were happy for the waves were tickling your ankles and you could easily count the fish swimming with the flowing water. You giggled when they nibbled on your toes and you looked at me and said:

'This is where I want to be for the rest of my life, Alexander. I'm happy here.'

You were happy in midst of life, surrounded by the most simple and yet most beautiful beings. It is true, it was where you belonged. You belong to the sea, the salt and the stormy salty wind in your long brown curls. Where the sky meets the ocean and they kiss in dawn. It is where you belong. Not in those grey and hopeless big cities where you walk around and see models and clothes and cars in every corner of every street.You belong somewhere you can love your surrounding and be loved in return.

Go back there, for me, little sister. Watch the sky and the ocean kiss in the evening and think of me with love and gentleness but not sadness and regret that we didn't have more time. I love you, little sister.

Have a beautiful life, Annie. Goodbye.

Your always loving you brother,
Alexander