five last letters

Caitlyn

My dear Caitlyn,

You're a fighter, you've always been. You were a fighter the day I met you and so I'm begging you to keep fighting now, too. Fight the sadness and the anger I know you will be feeling when you read this. I don't want you to have this kind of life - a life full of anger and hatred and suppressed despair. You do not deserve this. And despite all they say, you're beautiful. You're one of the two most beautiful persons I've ever met. And you always stuck with me, even though it did get rough some times. Loyalty is worth so much more than being famous in school, believe me. In all those books I've ever read, characters are loved for their loyalty and their fidelity, not for how they look like.

  I know you've never really read books. Your favourite place to spend time was in the box club where you learned to get rid of anger, more even, to defend yourself. But mine was between the pages of books. I didn't mind. I just read for the two of us and when it came to it, you fought for me. Even if I didn't ask you for it. You just did it because you considered it the right thing. I thank you for that. For being there for me, always.

You've been fighting well, all the time. The first day I met you, at my new school in a new town, I saw you after class, fighting with a bunch of girls. Your hair was a mess (or how you call it) and there was blood on your lips but you had that grim look in your eyes. Your hands were up in position, ready to fight for your life, and you looked like you were ... peaceful. Not sad, not desperate, not angry anymore. Just peaceful. Like this was your place, where you belonged. In a crowd of other people, fighting for what you believe in. I saw it in your eyes and I could literally feel it coming in waves from you.

You looked up and directly at me, this wild and provoking expression in your eyes and there was a split second of curiosity between us, like we could see each other from the others eyes. Then that moment was over and some girl knocked you hard with her bag in your ribcage. You flinched but you didn't cry out or anything. You just looked at her and slapped her.

When the teachers eventually came to stop all this, you were on the winning side. You're always the one to win. You also didn't hesitate to take the teachers punishment for that 'stupidity', or how he called it. You just spat out some blood, looked at the other girls, raised your head and walked away.

The next day I saw you in the Mensa, and you were alone. I was able to see that scar above your lip, those you get born with. And I know you always tried to hide it, hide yourself, but in my eyes that scar made you just more beautiful.
  So I took my food and sat next to you and when another girl came and laughed at her and told me I could have something better, I just shook my head.
  'Get lost.', I had said, 'I like people who tell the truth and have their own life. I don't like people who tell me what to do.'

The girl blinked irritated but she left anyways. So when I turned back to you, you smiled.
  'I'm Caitlyn.', you said. 'Do you like Pudding?'
  When I nodded, you passed the Pudding across the table to me and grinned. 'I think we've just become friends.'

You were the best friend I've ever had. You never did let me down and you've always been there for me. I think you will remember that one day when the brutal group of my class found out about my crush. They laughed at me but you protected me passionately. And when they tried to beat me, you fought for me.
  I know I haven't been helpful there. I've always been the weak one. That's why you have this letter here.

Anyways, after those idiots left, we were both pretty beaten up. But you weren't mad about it, not at all. You seemed glad.
  'You see?', she said. 'They got tired. We lasted. Seen it this way, we won.'
 
I laughed, but you stuck with your opinion and then we went to get some Ice Cream. We had the best Ice Cream I've ever eaten and we skipped the rest of the school that day. We just did whatever we wanted to. That was when everything was fine. And then I told you secretly about my sickness and I ruined your life. You have no idea how deeply sorry I am. I did this to you, it was my fault that you were giving yourself up.

You started spending more time in the box clubs, your grades at school got worse. You didn't want to do anything except for fighting. You became more aggressive and started more fights in class than I could ever count. You didn't care about anything. I had to pull you back from the edge, just like you had done it once for me.

I remember you telling me something about love. You said, if we wouldn't love the people we love, we were not the persons we're supposed to be.
  You said that in a completely other context but I'm giving it back to you now. I loved you. Not the way the other boys would but I loved you unconditionally. I would have done anything for you. And I wish I could have protected you better.

I have left some notes for mum, instructions that include you. I want you to have another home. I want you to have a loving mother who doesn't drown her sorrows in drugs and let's you take care of everything. I want you to have a mother that takes care of you and brings you to bed with a kiss and tells you to have good night sleep. And I want you to be happy about a family - not consider it a burden.

I think you already know, what I'm telling you. Mum will soon get to you and bring you home. To where my home has been. I trust her about that. She will love you just like I loved you. You will have a great life and you won't have to fight anymore.
I think even Annie will accept you easily. You can have the life you should have had. You can be happy so do me that favor. Be happy. Then I'll be happy from above.

I love you. Fight your way through this and when you did, breathe free.

Alexander