Lost In The Eyes Of Another

Chapter 5

I awake only to realise i'm in my bed, I don't remember how I got here but god bless whoever brought me to this comfortable cotton mattress. I try to remember last night but my head is pounding, I go to the bathroom and open the bigger cabinet and grab Tylenol. I sit on the couch in the lounge room with a coffee in my hand and think, I try to remember how I got home last night.

I just wanted to thank whoever took me home but I can't remember, I remember seeing Mason in the kitchen with Kasey. I don't know why but they kind of hurt to see him with another girl, I don't know why and I try to shrug it off but it just sticks in my mind and I can't stop thinking about it.

I remember Kaleb found me and he was the one who took me home and Mason noticed because he saw me get in his car, I saw the look on his face, he looked... hurt. I'm grateful that Kaleb took me home but I'm not going to thank him, I don't want anything to do with Kaleb. He hurt me at that party and i'm not just going to forgive him for something he had no right to do. 

He asked me something personal, something that wasn't his business. Kaleb was completely sober so I know it wasn't a drunken act, I might have over reacted a little bit though I just didn't want to answer his question because it would mean I would have to think about it. 

The past is a dark place, sometimes it is darker than the sky when the sun has set and the moon begins to shine. Although for me, it's something I can't change and something I can't and won't forgive myself for. All those times I tried to smile yet failed within the past year because of that one thing. 

That one thing changed me from a human to a monster, I've told no one about this, not even my best friends Ember and Jay. I'm too ashamed to even tell them, I am forced to see a counsellor. I hate it, all these things are just reminders, and I don't want to remember.  My counsellor suggested I write everything down in a diary or a journal or something, so I decided i'd give it a shot. 

 Dear Dairy,

I know this is stupid, I'm practically talking to a book but I've tried everything else and nothing seems to be working so here I am, talking to a book. I guess I'll start with the truth, i'm in pain. That's right, you heard me properly, i'm in pain and it sucks. All I want to do is forget but I can't, the past keeps being brought up so it can haunt me, so he can haunt me. Dairy, I made a mistake. One that cost another deeply, and that same mistake hurt many more, including me.

I hate how I can't fix this mistake, I would do anything if I could but I can't. I can't bring my little brother back to life, he's gone, he's dead. I don't know how else to say this but I'm going to try, my brother was just as bad as me and my father. We loved football, more than anything else in the world. I used to kick the ball with my brother everyday after school.

Eventually when he was old enough my brother starting playing football for his school, he was apart of the little leagues. I would drive him to his practice after school every Tuesday, but sadly now instead of taking my brother to football I go to counselling every Tuesday.

Why you ask? Because I killed him, And I don't mean in a weird murder like way. No, I loved my brother. However one time we didn't get so lucky, I was driving my brother home from training and he was so happy that he kicked the football through the goal. I just laughed to myself and didn't notice the car coming directly at us, a drunk driver ran a red light and hit the car directly where my brother was sitting. The car toppled over and over again, and I lost consciousness. Apparently  my brother was killed from impact and well I somehow survived with three broken ribs, a broken toe and a fractured arm.

I know what your thinking, if I went through such a traumatic experience than why aren't I this sad girl that has built walls around her and blocked people out of my life. Well that's not what my brother would have wanted, so I gave up the thing that made me happy and forget everything going on in my life,football, and attempted to move on but as you can see that is harder than it looks.

Thank you Dairy for listening.