A Chapter Completed

Flashback to the Start

Today, mother decided that we would play Cluedo. Yay, fun!
Note the sarcasm.

Fridays are equal two scoops of torture with toppings. Which toppings? Oh, the usual: a mixture of depression, insecurity, secrets and a whole lot of self loathing.

"So Zoe, how was your day," mother asked, as she rolled her dice.

"It was okay, I guess."

But by then, she was already talking to Chase about his math grades, and how his teachers feel that he could do his finals earlier.

It's not that mother did not try. It's just that she's more attached to Chase, and that she loves him more, and she thinks that he is the most perfect child ever and...
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a tiny bit. But in all honestly, I'm a hundred percent sure that she loves him way more than she loves me.

I mean, why wouldn't she? Have you seen yourself. In fact, she doesn't even love you at all.

Shut up, I didn't ask you. She does love me.

Honey, keep lying to yourself. You're nothing but a chore for her.

No I'm not!

Yah, maybe that's why she's so interested in what you have to say. Not!

Shut up. Just...just shut up!

You can close your eyes to the truth, but that wouldn't make it go away. You. Are. Nothing. Nobody loves you, and nobody ever will.

"Sweetie are you alright?" Dad's concerned voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

I looked up, startled to realize that my cheeks were wet. Hastily rubbing away the tears I nodded.

"Yah, dad. I'm good. Just a bit tired, with all the homework and everything. Don't worry."

"Darling I think you should take a break. In fact, should go rest. Go on. I'll bring you your dinner," he coaxed.

Glad to have an escape for the suffocating environment, I nodded once more.

"Thanks daddy. Love you."

As I got up and walked up the stairs, I realized something.
All this time, while dad and I were conversing, mother and Chase were busy talking about something, probably his collage applications. Although she was sitting less than a meter away from me, my own mother didn't pick up on my foul mood and the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Just before I slammed the door to my room shut, I heard mother's voice.
"Where did Zoe go? She knows it's game night, and yet she sneaks away. That girl is..."

Almost in tears once more, I banged the door shut, unable to hear any more.

"Maybe," I thought, "My inner voice isn't so wrong. Maybe I'm just a chore to her, and she doesn't love me at all."

.......................................

Half an hour later, I was in my dry bathtub, fully clothed looking at the razor that was between my fingers. Seeing the piece of shiny metal, I was taken back to the first time I ever resorted to cutting.

It was a year and a half ago, halfway through my sophmore year. It had been a really bad day, but was heaven compared to the days that were to follow.
I had recieved a D- in my math test, partially because I had missed a week of school due to an illness and partially because I never bothered asking Chase for help. I had forgotten my chemistry homework at home so I was sent to detention.