Scattered Pieces

That Empty Classroom

A neverending cycle that can be stopped by one decision. Subject by subject, hour to hour, you can feel like there is this spike impaled in your system that is making things harder. People come flooding in one by one as you watch them from the seat you already took before class even started. The classroom is packed with students who are all here to pursue something that they are after or from a demand ordered by an elder.

Day by day everything starts to go as well as you have a conversation with someone. Month by month you start to create a certain relationship with everyone, including your professors. Year by year, that spike starts to radiate energy and mess with your life. That is when everything that you know start to crumble down to nothing but ash.

The emotion is changing. Energy is always unbalanced. Your dream only becomes a dream. The relationship soon begins to feel different. That career feels like it doesn't exist anymore. What is it are you looking for?

"If you feel like you're not into this or wanting to pursue another career, why are you still here?"

Don't want to give up?

Don't have anywhere else to go?

Don't know where to find another place to study?

Don't want to feel like a failure?

Don't have a plan for the future?

The spike begins to become painful. Your thoughts are clouded by doubt and self-judgment. Those words are becoming a broken record that never stops. It will stop but nothing will help when it comes back. You are lost...

You still talk to the people in the room. Knowledge of what you dream of doing is becoming harder to do to satisfy that drive. It is starting to become confusing than ever. The professor might talk to you and ask if everything is okay. Encourage you to do your best when you feel like that dream will never become a reality. Are you okay anymore?

That is when everything comes crashing in. You hide from everyone to let the tears fall. Pouring out your feelings don't do anything, especially when you are so used to keeping everything bottled up. Do you consider yourself a living being or just a wandering body that got its spirit crushed? The spike creates a mask to hide everything bad from the people who can help you.

All you want is for the nightmare to stop. You don't want to feel like all the work was thrown away at the sudden change. The thoughts soon turn into doodles on a normal notebook or on a board that carries either markers or chalk. Time is slowing down mentally when it is going by the second physically. How are the others okay with what is happening and not struggling like you?

Times up. The class soon come in and take their seats as you sit in the middle of the walkway. You look around and put on the mask to hide the internal issues. But that is when your mind begins to play a trick on you. Pursuing another career will reveal that you are not sharing a class with other people who are there for the same reason. All you are seeing is yourself standing in the middle of an empty classroom.

When will everything be considered okay?

You feel alone in the empty class. Everyone thinks you are a part of the class that is full. Nobody looks like they are second-guessing themselves. You are struggling on and off in front of the class. They are seen working together as a unified group. You feel segregated as you do your part. What was that part again? Do they even know? 

Once again, you are nothing but student and future citizen who is sitting in the empty classroom to figure out what you want to do after graduation.