it hurt my chest
throbbing with pain and anger
so I let it go
red lakes pooling at my hands
i felt relived
and so I was happy once again.
Note: I apologize for not updating for so long, and not being active. Lately I have been having such suicidal thoughts. And slowly have started cutting. It's so weird to even think about. It started with just barely visible scratches, which escalated to tiny nail cuts, to sharp objects, to a razor. It has happened so slowly that now it's something I just do whenever I feel stressed and numb. Which is a lot. My whole sleep pattern is messed up and my life is just falling apart. I will be documenting every night in another book, just to make myself feel guilty and not do it anymore. I just don't want to say this but I feel like this is all nothing. I just want to die. I don't know what happened over the past few months, but this is who I am now. My heart and mind is physically hurting, and although people can see the scars and see my pain I know they prefer to see my smile, even if its cracking, even if im crying, they would prefer to know me as the happy girl i should be. People tell me that cutting is not cool and they will not accept anymore cuts or scars. I guess that fine for me, i will just have to remember to do it on my thighs instead. Why did this happen? maybe i was just meant to die soon anyways. I have a large case of pills just in case. Don't be alarmed if i just die soon. It was for the best.
