A/N : When i was sad i turned to my computer and just wrote whatever came to my head non-stop for an hour. No rests, no thinking, just keep writing. afterwards my hands buzzed and i couldnt feel my fingertips but i felt better. So here's the whole thing, completely unedited and untouched.
She was good at laughing. Saying the right things. At one time tried her hardest to become one of the popular. To be loved by everyone and be accepted. These small things. What happens now? Cramped in her little writing chair. Trapped, unable to breathe. What can she do? No one to turn to, no way to rid the feeling. Emptiness crawling into her insides and filling her with hatred and sadness too big to be contained. They all tell her to breathe to breathe but how can she do it. She is surrounded by poison and when she breathes she is in PAIN. Let her go and let her free. She is not happy. Calm down, how when so much of her just cannot move she cannot see and everything is horrible and she doesn't understand even the concept of motivation and the will to continue when everything just makes her so sad and lonely and no matter how much she smiles and talks it always comes back to Alone. This feeling of being such a failure and unworthy and unaccepted and unhelpful and being a burden on every single person around me and no one wanting to see my ugly face and everyone knows that I am that girl that cannot even drag herself out of bed and being that girl with the inability to do even basic human needs. She passes it off as joke and jokes and jokes and she laughs and laughs and laughs and none of it matters. She doesn't belong here. What does she have that the others don't? An inexplicable need to poison others? To fill this pure air with the gasp of an outsider and the understanding of someone who doesn't know where she is going? They know what their purpose is. What is hers? What is she trying to do? They feel their legs and arms moving but she can only feel this numbness and desperation to just lie down and not being anywhere and not dying and not living and not being embarrassed and ashamed to show her weakness because she knows no one really wants to feel that. No one wants to deal with the dramatic girl who clearly has nothing wrong with her life. She is immature and small and doesn't understand true pain. What can I say? I tell people my problems but it doesn't make her feel better it doesn't validate anything it just furthers peoples assumption that she is a liar and what can they do about it besides watch and misunderstand and give plastic words and sentences .and they complain about small things and they are so smart and what can she do that will ever amount to that and she knows people think of her as the fucking weirdo and loser when she used to be so goddamn happy and they cannot see that and she doesn't want them to see anything and she claims she doesn't care what they think and then she attempts to raise her trembling hand and she can feel the glares and daggers and judge and her heart beats faster and faster and stomach fills with butterflies and she can only see stars and only hear the roaring tide of. Her insecurities and she walks proudly and confidently so they cannot see her nervousness and aloneness and acts like she wants to be alone all the time but in the end, it doesn't matter cause you can see her stupid mess while her mother suffers and father suffers.Mother is lonely and lost and father is lonely and doesn't distinguish right from wrong and I'm scared of him but the mother does not understand and doesn't know how to take care properly because they are just humans in the end and the parents cannot understand. And all the other kids have their happy families and stories and talk of depression and they don't understand. Shut up shut up shut up. I cannot think when you are around. They cannot see this. Brothers need to be happy I shouldn't even fucking care about them but here I am anyway. The whole family is screwed up what am I doing in my life. My sister cannot see what is happening and I miss her but I don't and why does her father push away everyone so much and why can't this stupid girl just be happy and smart and not a complete failure. Bet she likes feeling like this because for the first time in her life her parents actually care maybe that's why she does all these things in order to gain this little bit of love from her parents. I want them to care but I don't want them to me just it to be normal but that's not fair to any of us and I don't want to be separate I want us to be happy and my brothers to be happy. When I go back to Canada no one will be happy. Who will care in the end if I kill myself? Slit my wrists and throat and it still makes me nervous and scared but I want it so badly I want to bleed and bleed and feel that stinging pain and see the reminders because they make this wave inside of me stop even if its just for a minute and my counsellor doesn't know how to help me because she's used to the kids here being happy and motivated and all I do is cry. She doesn't see how much a failure I am and how much I lie and she doesn't understand what I'm going through but she's the only one I can talk to. I thought that the therapist could help make your life better but all I do is talk to her and she nods and gives empty words just like them. The girl is so loser and stupid and doesn't know what's actually right for her so instead of doing her homework she just cries and cries and whines like a little kid and cries at the thought of doing anything but being in her happy little room. In the end. She just feels lonely and empty and this feeling of pain and pain and suffocation and. Waiting till the next break where she can do nothing and who is she who' is she. They can't force her to do anything. She doesn't do anything well. She cannot write nor draw nor be smart. What happened. What makes her so different that she has to be this depressed little bitch that thinks everything revolves around her. They all don't know me. What's the point of living in this useless world without meaning or a true purpose hahaha who am I I don't even fucking care I just want to lie down and never have to move because trying is so hard and trying just makes you hurt. So I just ignore their calls and live in this fake wonderland where I can pretend that I'm happy and never have to show anyone the true me and just live in this world without purpose. She can be happy they are all so fucking happy and cannot feel this pain. I don't want to try I don't want to tell anyone anything I just want to curl u and not have to try when they are still able to care so much about everything when I cannot even bring myself to care so when they say they are sad how can you be sad when you have everything. Everyone is so immature I am so angry and they don't understand but I want them to understand so very badly that it hurts but I will leave they will leave and everyone will forget me eventually because who cares about me, in the end, I just don't need to do anything. No purpose no meaning it's so hard to do anything. I thought I might have my family too but I don't even have my family and my brothers are too young and my friends don't really care about me. I want a fictional character that can hold and love me unconditionally. I want to feel at peace and happy and not have one mental breakdown every day. Why try when in the end there is no meaning to what we do what we say I thought 8it mattered but in the end, it didn't do anything all I do is lie down and hope someone notices my suffering but if they notice. Then what? I don't have a support system lol like they say every kid need but I don't have that. I don't have anything.I don't have friends and parents or family and they all know me but don't know me and everyone else has so many people and complain about these small things that don't fucking matter. I just want to die I never do anything I just want to fucking kill everyone because I hate everything and hate me and I hate how things work and so immature and I never feel happy anymore I never feel motivated I don't have any clean clothes and have to force myself to eat and I sleep all the time and never have enough time but also have too much time I just trudge through everything and everyday hurts so much and is so difficult to even go through because they are. All watching me I fucking hate people leave me alone so I can cry in peace I just don't understand why people do these things to themselves it doesn't matter anymore it doesn't do anything it doesn't mean anything. Admit it, I'm jealous pathetic and lonely and have no idea what I'm doing in my life all I do is whine and cry and this time I am certain I will die by my own hand and at the same time I'm so afraid to live on my own and have so much trouble just living and writing and being happy and they are all so annoying but I crave them I don't even know what my personality is anymore. IS my depression an excuse? The right way of saying things? I hate myself so much. I don't understand myself at all I don't understand my family I thought I could e happy but mom what are you doing who do I trust where do I have what do I do how can I die. I have no one that loves me no one loves me. In this world it doesn't matter what I do no one is inclined to help me in the end and I know that they don't really care and don't really know me and I know that it's not worth it so I just try to indulge in the small things and hideout in my room and eat junk food and watch movies and feel sorry and sad for myself and they don't understand how much it hurts because I just laugh it off and act like everything is okay she it's not okay but this is my last year so I have to try my best ad it's not fair to me or to anyone because im failing so miserably that its sad.I need to try to be happy. Think less. You will be happy as an optimistic blind fool than one that knows what's happening. the world doesn't make an exception for me. They don't understand her.
What a pathetic girl.
