dear nobody

1•5•17

i rlly dont know

i've been a little lost lately....actually, let me rephrase that..i've been numb. and no matter what i do, what i take, or what happens to me i cant seem to get back that genuine feeling back you get by just being alive. its weird you know? i havent felt the need to change out of pajamas. all i end up doing is wearing them till my shower the next day...i havent done anything to my hair, i havent 'gotten myself ready' in a week bc i feel like there is no use to hide my anything but narcissistic mind where it use to be. somehow though i dont even know when it escaped from the deep dark place i left it. i just want to be happy. i want to love myself. i want to tell myself im good enough and actually mean it. im tired of hiding my misery to appease others. if im a pessimistic person let me be that way. bc when you tell me i should 'be happy' or 'be thankful for what i have and am' it makes me feel even shittier bc no one knows how thankful and greatful i am for what anyone does for me, and i am contempt with what i do for anyone. thats the problem though...all i ever become is contempt. i use to blame my absolute misery on not being a what todays society calls a "normal teenager"....in some ways im glad...i use to feel bad bc guys didn't show any interest in me & if they did there was no way i was just going to 'fool around' with someone for some kind of yearning from someone. yes im kind of blehhh on not having a boyfriend or ever having one or almost being 17 now and not having my first kiss, but i dont want to fill that void and still not know who i am or still not know how to make myself happy...but in my life its hard to give in that i need some help bc everyones always shouted at me that they've had it worse that i should be lucky. ive always been told "you think you have it bad? someone has it worse" but how could that be a valid statement? when im happy and voicing that, is someone gonna tell me, "you think you have it good? someone has it better". its like this toxic blob of blackness and void has somehow merged itself with my personality and hasnt let go or rather i havent had the strength to fight it. like i said i dont know what i feel anymore or even if i feel anymore and that by itself is what sparks me to want to cry in the middle of the night when i cant sleep bc it makes me feel like im this dead fish just going with the flow and thats not so great

a/n
i wrote this as a junior, and i actually revised this for a poetry assignment we had to read during my senior year of highschool. and after i read it my teacher literally interrogated me in front of the class about my mental health. double score for me right? at least i got a good grade.