dear nobody

1•29•18

being single gave me confidence

i have now realized that i had found my confidence in the comfort of being single. right off the bat that sounds absolutely and utterly stupid, but when you see it from my perspective it doesnt seem so...i have had an issue with my body and my weight since i became aware of it which was 3rd grade by my 4th grade crush. we had seen each other-he had seen me for once...well he didnt like what he saw and he called me fat. i had forever thought myself as such till i took a trip to vegas in august of 2017...vegas literally completed the final step in complete confidence..i had tried so many years to find..vegas had finally given....i had finally accepted that i was single and that im going to love myself because i was all i had...sure i had a "pretty face" but nobody could love a "fat girl" so i threw all hope of that away so it would no longer be a huge let down of mine...but now i have found someone who has seen me as the most gorgeous girl in the world and i still cant see how he can say that when he's never seen me vulnerable...i can accept people loving me for my face or words or personality but i dont think i can ever trust someone to say they love all of me and it includes the part of myself that i want to keep for myself...some will always say im being stingy but why would you want to show someone a painting that you think you messed up on?

a/n
tbh during this time i was in a toxic long distance relationship. it sounds stupid, and it absolutely was. but it happened so ehh.