SELF-LOVE ↯ NAMJIN

eighteen » h o m e

[kim seokjin pov.]

soft, delicate notes floated around the air of the slightly stuffy, tiny room. dust from the old wooden shelves was clearly visible due to the late afternoon sun lighting the atmosphere, leaving namjoon, chanyoung and me in a dreamy state.

the slim, long fingers of namjoon pressed the keys of the outdated piano, making me feel somewhat tired, but secure.

the melody was beautifully familiar, a tune i managed to memorize in just short time, predicting every note.

just when i was about to drown in the comforting euphony of lost, chanyoung's crystal clear but soothing voice filled the space, harmonizing in perfect rythm.

with me being an outsider, but not an intruder, the whole performance of the two best friends felt way more intense, every emotion emphasizing with my heart, making me close my eyes.

chanyoung hit every note perfectly, the high as well as the low ones, bringing the realization of how good of a singer she truly was. i couldn't help but let my jaw drop at her ethereality, inside and out, making me respect her in every aspect of her being. jungho frankly was very lucky to have her, even though i could never complain about the perfect boyfriend of mine.

they both finished at the same time, chanyoung dragging the last note a little bit longer, and i stared at them in admiration.

i didn't dare to break the silence, i just couldn't. it would destroy something, something relievingly peaceful, it would destroy the connection the three of us gained in just four tiny minutes.

namjoon and chanyoung smiled at me, and i felt the sudden need to hug them. i stood up silently and pulled them into my arms, resting my head on namjoon's shoulder in the process.

»i don't want to say anything.« i whispered, and heard them chuckle.

»then don't.« chanyoung whispered back, a smile spreading on my face.

i pulled back and just mustered her face. i didn't know her for long, a month maximum, and she already had saved a huge place in my heart.

i looked at namjoon and noticed a single tear cascading down his left cheek while he looked at us with nothing but love. love, and.. happiness.

my eyes teared up. for the first time in years, i knew, namjoon was happy again. truly, fully, content. and it was the most beautiful thing. he was gorgeous, right then, with red eyes, tearstained cheeks as more and more kept flowing, without make-up, his glasses sitting on his nose bridge.

in that moment, i wasn't just his boyfriend. he wasn't just my boyfriend. we were best friends, soulmates, different but the same. we were each others anchors, having the unending, overflowing importance in each others lives.

»just kiss, please. please.« i could hear chanyoung's faint voice from somewhere far, sounding choked up. even if i didn't look at her, i knew she was wailing, selflessly crying for her friends. but right now, i almost didn't hear her. it was like someone stuck cotton swabs in my ear, and only namjoon was able to talk over them.

namjoon cupped my cheeks and pressed his lips on mine, jammed, countless emotions setting free. relief. surprise. love. trust. desire. but most importantly, happiness. all the  happiness he had covered up by a despairing facade, expressing nothing but hopelessness.

i could taste the saltiness of his tears, his lip balm flavor. nothing mattered, other than this, our heartbeats beating in the same pace, our closed eyes, and the innocence of two teenage boys experiencing the true meaning of love.

nothing else was important other than holding namjoon's tiny waist, and feeling our bodies intertwine, becoming one person.

sometimes i felt like our lives were field roads. an uneven path paved for us through endless nothingness. years and years we were told to never leave the path in order to arrive home safely.

but were we ever experiencing the true meaning of home if we never left that path? what if home was just a pretence, meaningless, pretending to be safe when in fact, we had to find the meaning behind home ourselves?

i ran through the field. namjoon was standing somewhere on that field. i left the path. i flew, and didn't look back. and i found home. i found the true meaning of home in namjoon, the only one that made me feel the security of home.

and it wasn't dangerous. or bad. to leave the path, it may take bravery only few can achieve. but the breeze of the wind shuffling your hair, the tips of grass caressing your ankles while you run, those are the things that calm your fear. your fear to find a home.

i don't remember who broke the kiss. it wasn't of importance.
i don't remember who broke the silence. it wasn't of importance.
i don't remember how long we kissed.
it wasn't of importance.
the only thing i remember was to have finally arrived.
i finally arrived after years of running through countless fields.

we left the room at dusk, right after the last sunray painted the floor red and orange, the dust still spreading through the air, the room being even stuffier than before, the lid of the outdated piano closed.

if someone saw it, they wouldn't think about the things the room witnessed. they wouldn't think of it in a special way. it was just a room right? it was old and suffocating in a way only strangers would understand.

with a smile a thought back to the small traces we left, the prints on the dusty parquet and piano lid, the opened curtains that were closed before, some bread crumbs left of the lunch we had eaten.

tiny details others wouldn't notice, because it was just a room, right?

but for me, it was my field.

and with namjoon being my home, i managed to stay grounded. because a home doesn't float in space, heads taller than everyone else. i was not superior. i was not better than anyone.

i thought about the words namjoon had said when we first met, in that tiny room on third floor. he didn't mean to say those words out loud, i knew that, but a habit of his was to speak his thoughts out loud.

seokjin really wasn't as egoistic and self-centred as i thought he was.

i learned that self-love was the most important thing, but i wasn't superior, thanks to the amazing people in my life, thanks to namjoon.

i was not too full of love for myself.

---

there's one chapter left.
prepare for the grande finale, and enjoy :)
thank you so much for reading, any feedback would really mean the world to me <3
- CHONS