It's complicated.||

overcoming

I wake up, sweating my comfortable sleepiness off. Afraid. More than ever.
Of what, you're asking?
Well, it's complicated. I just have this odd feeling in my stomach. Bloody hell.
Dreams can make you freak out as much as reality.
I know this kind of fear. It's slowly eating you up from the inside.
"Taylor? Everything ok?" my mother quietly opens the door of my bedroom.
I don't hear her but I try to use my lip reading skills.
I haven't told her about what happened to my deaf-aid yet. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm afraid
"I'm fine, mom."
"But I heard you scream!" She glances at me with a concerned look on her face.
I can guess what she said.
"Bad dream. Seriously, I'm fine, mom."
She sighs and pats my forehead pitiful, then leaves the room.

I stand up hoping my legs which were waggling from nervousness would hold me.
And surpriiise:
They do.

Of course they do. I'm not even really ill.
Well, at least not phisically.

The dream left a headache and a persistent fear that something terrible is going to happen.
I look into the mirror on my dressing table.
I look diabolical with my fierce red hair. I'm trying to save the color with directions all the time which doesn't work so well since I had problems with bleaching my hair in the first place. Well maybe I am the devil.
That'd at least describe some stuff.
I am no good for others. I'm not nice.
I state opinions where nobody asked for them.
I am remarkably annoying and fully understand why people keep their distance to me. I'm just not a very social person.
Or at least that's what I thought.
Yesterday made me think over. Think about Jake and how easily we could've become friends.
I mean if I had shut my mouth maybe I wouldn't have destroyed his relationship and have someone to hide from reality with under my imaginary invisibility cloak.
But I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

I take deep breaths and open my rusty old closet.

I have a very extraordinary taste in clothing so people often look at me like I'm something extra terrestrial that needs to be raided and brought back to Area 51.
Today I choose black plateau jump boots, a nice red skirt, a statement shirt saying 'shut up' (haha issa joke bc I can't hear them even if they talk, lol) and an awkward shoulder pad- leather jacket which, combined with the skirt and my sophisticated hairstyle, gives me major 50s/Rockabilly vibes.

For a finished touch, I apply my red lipstick, which makes me feel a lot like Marilyn Monroe and, I mean, I'm not complaining, she was a great woman.

I grab myself a banana and a kiwi, scream 'bye' while my mum's sitting on the toilet and leave for school so she doesn't notice my deaf-aid missing in this picturesque look of me.

I enter my classroom and get some stupid looks to which my middle finger automatically responds.
For a while I was actually pretty excited for my arts lesson then I got called out to Mrs. Adams's office, which (oh wonder) I didn't hear at first. Not until Felix (the ginger head) nudged me, and pushed a note in my hand that told me what I had to do.
I no at him, do an extravagant eye roll, stand up and perform my foot-up-the-ass walk to my fate.

"Come in." she sighs "and close the door.".
I for once do as she says and take the seat making me have to face her.
She seems surprised by my obedience but that soon changes into something crestfallen.
I really don't want her to hold a lecture for me. I already have a headache from all the lip-reading.
She looks at me as though she knew what I was thinking of and hands me a crinkled neon yellow slip of paper .

"I don't want it."
"What?"
"And I thought I'm the deaf one here.. I don't want it."

She looks at me as if I'm out of my mind and says:
"I will pay for it. Look, I'm sorry. I had no idea. But I'll still have to give you detention."
'I pay. HAD no idea. Detention.'
My veins are pounding of rage and I get louder.
I don't have to hear more to open my filthy little inappropriate mouth again.
"You still don't have ANY idea. You never had to change your life because you did shit. You did not lose your sense of hearing or part of your soul."
Gosh... I act like a total asshole. I don't know what she maybe had to go through in her life.
I act like I am the only person on earth with problems. 
I should be thankful for her not obtruding fatal penalties on me for being so disrespectful.
I know I shouldn't be acting like a bitch but sometimes... I just cannot help it.

She ignores what I said and goes on:
"You'll be having detention on Thursday and Friday after your last class. That's all. You can go now. See you tomorrow."

She is a disrespectful person, too sometimes but I think that what I said hurt her in some kind.
I clear my throat quietly and stand up. As I'm going through her door I turn around again and say
"I'm sorry. Thank you"
And with those words that took more effort than you could imagine I return to my beloved classroom.