It's complicated.||

sorry

I've always tried to broaden my horizon.
For the sake of others, but especially for my own sake.
I know this sounds like a giant contradiction or egocentric statement but I wanted to make life easier for myself, disregarding whether there might be people that have greater issues right next to me.
As I walk down the hallway I try to consolidate my eyes on the bright green door of our classroom.
If you are used to seeing better than hearing, it shouldn't be a surprise that you don't notice how it appears like that when you're deaf.
Everyone, every single scientist, every single hobby-internet-surfer, tells you that 'whAt yOU sEe mUst LoOk sOo bRigHt' and you don't even notice 'cause you're just so used to it.
Because you just don't know it different and are trapped in your own gray little world.
Inside the walls your actions built.

I sigh.
Before I open the door, my look drifts to a little heart, caved into the wall resting in the shadows of our demolished lamp.
T+ J.

I always thought falling in love was toxic. Just a pervasive urge to increase the propagation of humanity.
Back then, nothing could've prepared me for how wrong but also how right I was.
Everything that ensued in my life and gifted my little self credibility in opposites stopped existing that night.
That one fucking night, I just want to unsee, delete.
But you cannot delete your past.

I enter the classroom and take the seat next to Felix just to watch our literary lesson in a very perceptive way.

Perceptive. Ha. Good one.

Just seconds later I find myself laying my leg on the chair relaxed and admiring it for some minutes.
I'm not telling hoaxes when I tell you how good it feels to just let your leg hair proliferate.
Sure, I feel like a grizzly every now and then, but it's great. It really is.
Felix hands me a small piece of paper that says:
"Even though your legs are pretty, you should stop deflecting urself, douchebag."

I read it and release an amused oink-noise which is followed by annoyed looks of my classmates.
"Sorry" I say, without really hearing it.

I bump my elbow in his chest and giggle inside my balled fist.
This bitch funnier than my legs, for sure.

.
.
After school, Felix somehow managed to invite me to gambling at his house.
"Since you can't decline my offer, because you don't hear me just nod."
I understood what he said but I didn't want to let him have the satisfaction of underestimating me so I simply shook my head.

He looked so sad that I nodded only a second after.
He's a nice guy and maybe he can help me delete or at least, forget with Wii games for a while.

Felix's lessons ended one hour ago. That leaves me having to go to his place alone now as he's probably already invented in his games.

I walk outside campus, just to find Mrs Adams standing next to her car, texting on her phone, while taking a deep drag of the cigarette resting inside her hand.

I take all my courage left to go up to her and open my mouth.
"Sorry to disturb you, Ms. but I just wanted to say something. You got a minute?"
She looks up from her phone, into my face and folds her arms expectantly.
"About today morning... I really am sorry. I know what I said was selfish and reckless and I am not in the position to judge anybody because I'm not the nicest person myself. There's just been a lot going on recently and I simply cannot stand any dumb speeches right now.
Maybe I will open up to you about what happened but don't expect that anytime soon."

There she was looking at me speechless from what was now my stupid speech.
I felt embarrassed and exhausted by what I just said and couldn't bear waiting for an answer because I wouldn't hear it anyways.
Why would she even be interested in my story and why would I even tell her?
I am never going to.
Even though teachers can be your person of trust, this definitely wasn't what I meant to say.
I just regret being so mean to her because I could see in her eyes that she was wounded herself and I didn't want to cause opening that maybe already closed up wound again.

"I'm sorry. This was inappropriate. I am going to go now. Forget what I just said."

I look at the ground, speeding up my walk, not heading to Felix's but to an abandoned playground.
Where I used to share the most intimate feelings.