The Unlucky Ones

[4] - Stinging

[Tobias]

I LOOK FORWARD, listening as Max's deep, hollow voice echoes around the room, bouncing off the ceiling back into my ears.

" A long time ago our ancestors realized that each of us, each individual, was responsible for the evil
that exists in the world. But they didn't agree on exactly what that evil was, " Max says. " Some said
that it was dishonesty... " He says, looking to Candor's leader, Jack Kang.

I think of the lies I have told, year after year, about this bruise or that cut, the lies of omission I told
when I kept Marcus's secrets. I don't want to keep them anymore.

" Some said that it was ignorance, some said aggression... " He says, looking to Erudite's leader, Jeanine Matthews, then Amity's leader, Johanna Reyes.

I think of the peace of the Amity orchards. The freedom I would find there from violence and cruelty.

" Some said selfishness was the cause. " He says.

His eyes dart to Marcus. The man who is the walking definition of Selfishness. This is for your own good is what Marcus said before the first blow fell. As if hitting me was an act of self-sacrifice. As if it hurt him to do it. Well, I didn't see him limping around the kitchen this
morning.

" And the last group said that it was cowardice that was to blame. " He says, looking to his own faction.

A few hoots rise up from the Dauntless section and the rest of the Dauntless laugh. I think of the fear swallowing me last night until I couldn't feel. Until I couldn't breathe. I think of the years that have ground me into dust beneath my father's heel.

" That is how we came by our factions: Candor, Erudite, Amity, Abnegation, and Dauntless. " Max smiles. " In them, we find administrators and teachers and counselors and leaders and protectors. In
them, we find our sense of belonging, our sense of community, our very lives. " He clears his throat.

He walks forward, toward the knives.

" Enough of this sap. Let's get to it. Come forward and get your knife, then make your choice. First up, Zellner, Gregory. " Max says.

It seems fitting that pain should follow me from my old life into my new one, with the knife digging into my palm. Still, even this morning I didn't know which faction I would choose as a haven. I still don't know. Gregory Zellner holds his bleeding hand over the bowl of dirt, to choose Amity. Amity seems like the obvious choice for a haven, with its peaceful life, its sweet-smelling orchards, its smiling community.

In Amity, I would find the kind of acceptance I've craved my entire life, and maybe, over time, it would teach me to feel steady in myself, comfortable with who I am. But as I look at the people sitting in that section, in their reds and yellows, I see only whole, healed people, capable of cheering one another, capable of supporting one another. They are too perfect, too kind, for someone like me to be driven into their arms by rage and fear and hesitation.

" Rogers, Helena. " Max's voice booms down into my ears.

The ceremony is moving too fast. My choice is growing closer with every boom of Max's voice. She chooses Candor. I know what happens in Candor's initiation. I heard whispers about it in school one day. There, I would have to expose every secret, dig it out with my fingernails. I would have to flay myself alive to
join Candor. No, I can't do that. I will not do it for a faction. I will not do it for blood. I will not do that because I won't do it to myself. I will not torture myself that way.

" Lovelace, Frederick. " Max's echoing voice shakes my chest.

Frederick Lovelace dressed all in blue, cuts his palm and lets his blood drip into the Erudite water, turning it a deeper shade of pink. He is a typical Erudite boy. He will stay with his faction and stay there for good. I'm smart enough to pass by in Erudite, but I know myself well enough to understand that I am too volatile, too emotional, for a place like that. It would strangle me, and what I want is to be free, not to be shuffled into yet another prison. It takes no time at all for the name of the Abnegation girl beside me to be called.