The Unlucky Ones

[29] - Belong

[Tobias]

"DON’T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT YOU LOOK AWFUL."

Shauna sinks into the chair next to mine, setting her tray down. I feel like the conversation I had yesterday with my mother was a sudden, earsplitting noise, and now every other sound is muffled. I’ve always known that my father was cruel. But I always thought the other Abnegation were innocent; deep down, I’ve always thought of myself as weak for leaving them, as a kind of traitor to my own values. Now it seems like no matter what I decide, I’ll be betraying someone. If I warn the Abnegation about the attack plans I found on Max’s computer, I’ll be betraying Dauntless. If I don’t warn them, I betray my former faction again, in a much greater way than I did before. I have no choice but to
decide, and the thought of deciding makes me feel sick. I went through today the only way I knew how: I got up and went to work. I posted the rankings--which were a source of some contention, with me advocating for giving heavier weight to improvement, and Eric advocating for consistency. I went to eat. I put myself through the motions as if by muscle memory alone.

" You going to eat any of that? " Shauna asks, nodding to my plate full of food.

I shrug.

" Maybe. " I say.

I can tell she’s about to ask what’s wrong, so I introduce a new topic.

" How’s Lynn doing? " I ask.

That should've worked.

" You would know better than I do, " She says. " Getting to see her fears and all that. "

I cut a piece from my hunk of meat and chew it, although I'm really not that hungry.

" What’s that like? " She asks cautiously, raising an eyebrow at me. " Seeing all their fears, I mean. "

I shake my head, taking another bite of food to try and convince her that I'm fine.

" Can’t talk to you about her fears, " I say. " You know that. "

She sighs.

" Is that your rule, or Dauntless’s rule? " She asks.

I look up from my food.

" Does it matter? " I ask.

Shauna sighs, shaking her head.

" Sometimes... I feel like I don’t even know her, that’s all. " She says.

We eat the rest of our meals without speaking. That’s what I like most about Shauna: she doesn’t feel the need to fill the empty spaces. When we’re done, we leave the dining hall together, and Zeke calls out to us from across the Pit.

" Hey! " He shouts.

He’s spinning a roll of tape around his finger.

" Want to go punch something? " He asks.

I need to punch something. I need to release the stress from last night's conversation with my mom.

" Yes! " Shauna and I say in unison.

We walk toward the training room, Shauna updating Zeke on her week at the fence.

" Two days ago the idiot I was on patrol with started freaking out, swearing he saw something out there. Turns out it was a plastic bag " She says.

Zeke slides his arm across her shoulders. I run my fingers over my knuckles and try not to get in their way. When we get closer to the training room, I think I hear voices inside. Frowning, I push the door open with my foot. Standing inside are Lynn, Uriah, Marlene, and Tris. The collision of worlds startles me a little.

" I thought I heard something in here, " I say.

Uriah is firing at a target with one of the plastic pellet guns the Dauntless keep around for fun--I know for a fact that he doesn’t own it, so this one must be Zeke’s--and Marlene is chewing on something. She grins at me and waves when I walk in.

" Turns out it’s my idiot brother,” Zeke says. " You’re not supposed to be here after hours. Careful, or Four will tell Eric, and then you’ll be as good as scalped. "

Uriah tucks the gun under his waistband, against the small of his back, without turning on the safety. He’ll probably end up with a welt on his butt later from the gun firing into his pants. I don’t mention it to him. I hold the door open to usher them through it. As she passes me, Lynn stops.

" You wouldn’t tell Eric." She says.

I shake my head.

" No, I wouldn’t, " I say.

When Tris passes me I put out a hand, and it fits automatically in the space between her shoulder blades. I don’t even know if that was intentional or not. And I don’t really care. The others start down the hallway, our original plan of spending time in the training room forgotten once Uriah and Zeke start bickering and Shauna and Marlene share the rest of a muffin.

" Wait a second, " I say quiet enough that only Tris hears.

She turns to me, looking worried, so I try to smile, but it’s hard to feel like smiling right now. I noticed tension in the training room when I posted the rankings earlier this evening--I never thought, when I was tallying up the points for the rankings, that maybe I should mark her down for her protection. It would have been an insult to her skill in the simulations to put her any lower on the list, but maybe she would have preferred the insult to the growing rift between her and her fellow transfers. Even though she’s pale and exhausted, and there are little cuts around each of her nail beds, and a wavering look in her eyes, I know that’s not the case. This girl would never want to be tucked safely in the middle of the pack, never.

" You belong here, you know that? " I ask. " You belong with us. It’ll be over soon, so... just hold on, okay? "

The back of my neck suddenly feels hot, and I scratch at it with one hand, unable to meet her eyes, though I can feel them on me as the silence stretches. Then she slips her fingers between mine, and I stare at her, startled. I squeeze her hand, lightly, and it registers through my turmoil and my exhaustion that though I’ve touched her half a dozen times--each one a lapse in judgment--this is the first time she’s ever done it back. Then she turns and runs to catch up with her friends. And I stand in the hallway, alone, grinning like an idiot.