I'm Sick, I'm Tired Of Staying In Control - RW

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

June 2017

The journey from her flat in South Kensington to The Milk Thistle in Bristol takes her two and a half hours. She makes it to a carpark just around the corner at 7:50pm but she doesn't get out of the comfort that is her blue Mini Cooper. Not yet. She can't.

It is a hot day, so she had to change her outfit last minute otherwise she would bake inside the warm venue. Perhaps some people will think she is dressed quite casually but she doesn't care. Most of her clothes don't really fit her anymore because of the amount of weight she has lost and she is comfortable in this.

Her harem trousers are black with a khaki green and bumblebee yellow floral design. The waist has an inbuilt brown, leather effect belt that can tie with chord to make them tighter. Tucked in, she has a white vest top with a lace lining along the neck. Not really bar attire but she looks summery especially with her shades resting on the top of her head acting like a headband. She is dressed like she is ready, her make-up is done nicely and her dark hair has some loose curls but she feels so sick. She doesn't want to get out of the car.

She watches the time change on the dash of car, creeping closer and closer to eight o'clock when there is a knock on her window making her jump out of her skin. Maria. At least it's Maria. She is not ready to bump into anyone else yet especially the family of her deceased husband. Her friends opens her door enforcing her to get out so after grabbing her bag she does just that. 'Come here honey.' Her best friend engulfs her in the biggest hug.

They have known each other since the beginning of secondary school and together they have gone through so much. Maria went to university in Bristol and has never really left. Now she lives here with her husband and three children whilst working part-time at her kids' school as a teaching assistant. It was because of her that Cathy met David. The mutual friend. 'We should go in.' Cathy decides and links her arm with Maria's.

'How are you feeling?'

'Terrified.' She admits, 'I am staying at his parents' tonight.'

'I would say you could stay at mine but we've got a house full because of Harry's mother living with us.' Everyone has stuff going on in their lives. Behind closed doors. 'And the kids are sods.'

This makes Cathy chuckle. 'I miss them. I will have to visit them soon.' She is known as Auntie Cathy to six-year-old Oliver and four-year-old boys Alex and Sam because they were loved by her. She hopes they still love her even if she has been absent ever since her late husband's death.

Arm in arm, they both stride into the venue feigning confidence but that façade shatters as soon all the familiar faces are in front of them. So many people she hasn't seen since the funeral...and that was such a long time ago. A drink is put in her hand – a gin and tonic – which she glugs down without any shame. 'Perhaps you should pace it.' Maria suggests to her. Cathy merely nods.

David's brother announces that they have hired out "the attic" where there are a selection of canapes on offer so they shoot up. Food sounds like the best idea. 'This looks great.' Her friend is practically licking her lips. 'Are you still a vegetarian?'

At first, Cathy shrugs. David was vegetarian and although he was flexible because his family is not she gave up meat for him. She now doesn't take any notice of what she puts in her stomach but should she pretend in front of all his relatives? Surely they won't care... 'Is there any fish?' Meet somewhere in the middle.

'Err...' Her friend looks around the selection as people dive on in. 'Salt & pepper squid or a salmon and beetroot thing.' She goes for the salmon whilst Maria goes for the chilli beef affair. It all looks amazing but also quite pricey making Cathy question whether she should contribute. She was left with all of his money and his family are hardly well off. Surely it would be the best thing to do. Whether they would accept it is a different matter.

That is unlikely.

After eating just one of the canapes she feels incredibly sick and as she looks around for the loos the expressions of everyone looking at her makes her feel worse. Or maybe she just thinks they are looking. Paranoia? 'I'm just going to pop to the loo.' She murmurs before bolting out of the room.

The toilets are just across the hall at the top of the stairs but they are incredibly cosy which isn't what she needs right now. This was a mistake. She should have made an excuse.

The sickness feeling starts to get to her and Cathy finds herself chucking up the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. Now this is low she thinks to herself as she wipes the corners of her mouth with some toilet tissue. Her ears register the flush before she even realises she has done it making her squint her eyes tightly shut. She needs to calm down.

Her first solution is splashing water on her face but that just makes her face wet and smudge her make-up. 'Oh for f...' She takes a deep breath and stops herself from cursing. 'Pull yourself together.'

Unzipping her bag she pulls out a pack of tissues, she removes one from the packet to wipe away any smudged make-up before rooting around for her mascara and lippy. A quick swipe of the brush and a layer of colour makes her look much better...but her heart is still fluttering like a butterfly trapped in a net.

The door opens and Maria edges in with a look of concern, 'Are you alright hon?'

'I'm fine.' She lies, 'I will be out in a sec. Will you get me a glass of something?'

'Of course.' And then she is gone. The booze will get her through it.

When putting her make-up back in her bag she notices a different solution; she forgot they were even in here. Xanax. She bought some not so legally a few months back to help with her anxiety when her GP stopped with her prescription meds but she stopped taking them. She didn't need them. Without a second thought she takes it before joining everyone back at the function.

The rest of the night Maria sticks to her like glue and keeps an eye as she downs drink after drink after drink. It is a worrying sight. She shouldn't have gone...no-one should have put pressure on the poor woman to show her face.

Somehow, everyone is still there at one in the morning but no-one is sober enough to drive especially not Cathy. 'I need to go home now hon.' Her friend says to her. 'I've got to be up early with the kids. Will you be okay?'

'Yes.' She lies before hugging her tightly. 'Be safe.'

'And you.'

Cathy has been here five hours and somehow all night she has managed to avoid talking to her mother-in-law but now she can see the older woman making her way towards her. She wants to be sick. She can't talk to her. No, no, no.

So rudely, she picks up her bag and follows Maria out of the building. But what does she do now? She can't stay with them now. So, what does she do? The screen on her phone is a blur as she attempts to search up local hotels but the last minute prices make her eyes go wide. Instead, she does the one thing she shouldn't do...get into her car.

After a couple of attempts she manages to get her key into the ignition which she turns sharply away from her making the car roar with life. The roar is from the pressure of her foot on the accelerator. For a second, she stops and the thought of what she is doing flashes across her mind but she is beyond caring. She just wants to go home. Back to London.

She reverses quickly out of her parking space and races out of the carpark almost hitting a bollard as she does so. Somehow, she manages to get onto the M5...instead of the M4. She hasn't noticed yet, she is too busy steaming along the motorway.

But she can't keep her eyes open anymore and her lids droop shut as the car suddenly edges to the left. It is the harsh impact and the loud noise which make her eyes open again but it is too late. The damage has been done. The car stalls and the airbag deploys, her head hits the window sharply and the seatbelt digs into her skin. She cries out as her whole body becomes ridden with pain but she can't see clearly and everything is going dark.