Feelings - A Lesbian Story

Chapter Four

Monday came and when I got to math class there was Sam, she was back, our seats were right next to each other, I wasn't sure how to act, was I supposed to say 'welcome back', 'how are you feeling?' not knowing what else to say I went with "Hey." She looked up from the pile of paper and felt bad, not only did she have to deal with what she did, there was the gossip and I hadn't even thought about the amount of homework she would have to get caught up on. "Ya, I do." I started to open my notebook then had a thought, "How about I help you go over everything you missed? I can make you copies of my notes for each class." She smiled and her whole face lit up. "Really? That would be great if you are sure. With all the AP classes there is a lot of homework to get caught up on." I could tell that she was relieved to have some help. "It's not a problem; we can work in the library at lunch to help you get caught up. What about working at my house after school?" Her smile slipped a little, "I have to be home after school for a while, could we work there?" of course her parents would want to keep an eye on her for a while, "I think I can make that work, I'll have to drop Leo off at home but then I could come over." She smiled again, "Thanks, I really appreciate it."

When lunch rolled around I grabbed my usual and headed for the library, I felt proud of myself for helping Sam with the work she had missed out on, AP classes were hard enough under normal circumstances but with everything and then to miss a week of school at the beginning of the year it would be almost impossible for her to catch up on her own. I had set up at a table odd to one side the library and started to copy my notes from last week, I heard the door open and close, someone was walking up behind me, "Thanks again for doing this, it's really a lifesaver." Sam sat down. She opened her notebook and looked at what we had just gone over, I tried to keep myself from stealing glances at her while we worked, but I couldn't help it.

"I don't know if I'll get caught up, I feel like I am a hundred miles behind now. I wish I hadn't..." she dropped off but we both know what she meant, I stopped copying my notes to look at her, "Can I ask you a question?" she looked up at me, "I know what are you going to ask, it's what my parents and the doctors asked. Why I did it...honestly I'm not a hundred percent sure. It was a lot of things, mainly I was unhappy and I guess I just couldn't deal anymore." I let that sink in for a minute before asking my real question, "I was gonna ask how are you now?" She looked at me hard, as if studying me, "I am...I am here; I am trying to figure it out. But I am a little happier that you are at least talking to me again, I hope that after you help me get caught up it doesn't end there but I will understand if it does." She looked back down at the work in front of her, I thought about what she said, "I can't promise anything, but we'll see." I saw her smile a little, we both went back to work.

* * *

The rest of the day went by quickly, after school I picked up Leo told him what I was doing and dropped him off at home and grabbed my other notebooks from my room before heading over to Sam's house. It felt a little weird parking in front of her house again, surreal walking up to her front door and knocking on it, her mom answered, she had always been nice to me but now she kind of gave me a look that made me a little uncomfortable, "Come in, Sam's in the kitchen." I was polite and waited for her to show me the way even though I knew where to go.

"Hey," Sam's face lit up when I entered the room, "Thanks again for doing this. Looking over the math notes I'm feeling a little lost." I set my stuff down and came around next to her so that I could see what she was looking at, "Oh this actually gets easier, there is a little trick I learned, here." I reached over for my notebook and opened it to show her. Her mom watched us for a few minutes before disappearing from the doorway. I guess both of us had noticed. "Sorry about my mom. Since everything she's been really worried, can't really blame her." I just nodded as I took a seat and opened up to my notebook and started to copy so that Sam would have them. We didn't really talk much as we worked, Sam would ask a question here and there but that was about it. We worked for a couple of hours before Sam's mom came back to say to that she needed to start dinner and we cleaned up our papers. Sam walked me to the door, "Thanks again, for this, I'd be really lost if it wasn't for your notes, they are really helpful." I smiled at her, "It's no problem, really. This stuff is easy for me and it's nice to feel like I'm helping someone else out." She got all shy for a minute, "So, um...I'll see you at school tomorrow." I just nodded and opened the door, I was almost to my Jeep when I heard Sam's mom called for me to wait.

I turned as she reached the bottom of the steps, "You could stay for dinner. I know Sam would like it." "Oh, I wish I could, my mom didn't exactly know I was going to be coming over here so I should get home, but thank you." She looked a bit relieved, "I don't know what you said or did but since she got home today she seems more like her old self. I don't know what happened between you two but I am glad that you are being friendly again. You are the only one that has come to see her, and I know it means a lot to her. Thank you." She reached out and gave my shoulder a squeeze before turning and been in a bad place longer than I thought, that made my heart hurt for her.

My mom was home when I got there which did not surprise me, "So you were over at Sam's house?" I had told Leo to tell mom so I wasn't surprised when she asked, "Yes I was, you can call her mom if you want." She gave me that mom look, "Oh I believe that I am just wondering why after everything you went through would you put yourself back in the middle of it all again." Guessing she didn't know. "Mom, Sam tried to kill herself last week. She took a lot of pills and overdosed. I am just trying to help her get caught up in her classes because I think that the last thing she needs right now is to flunk out." Her face dropped, "I...I...I didn't know that. Well, that is very nice of you to help her like that. Um...if you two need to study here your welcome to." There was only one other time I've seen my mom do a one-eighty like that before and that was freshman year when I came out to my parents.

We ate dinner and I went up to my room and did some of my homework, there wasn't much as I did most of it at Sam's house. I was sitting on my bed debating if I wanted to watch a movie or read a book when I heard my phone buzz; I picked it up to see a text from Mia.

Mia: Hey, How was your day?

Me: It was fine, nothing major to report.

Mia: Oh...Didn't Sam come back to school today?

Me: Ya she was there. She was pretty quiet, probably trying to avoid more gossip.

Mia: Can't say I blame her.

Mia: I told my friends what we were planning and they are excited to have you join us. A couple of the girls want to join us when we go dress shopping, would that be okay with you?

Me: Sure I don't know why not, the more the merrier. Should be fun.

Me: I got some more homework to do I'll talk to you later okay?

Mia: Oh...okay sure. Bye

Me: Bye.

I don't know why I lied to Mia; it just felt a bit weird talking to her about Sam now. After this last weekend I don't know, seeing them both in the same place was weird, they were from two very different parts of my life. Mia had acted a bit weird after meeting Sam and well Sam seemed a bit different after everything which I guess I shouldn't be surprised by given everything she had been through.

* * *

The next few days went by pretty much as the first, Sam and I would meet in the library at lunch to go over our classes, notes, and assignments and then after school, I would go to her house and we would work together to get our homework done. She was really catching up rather well; it made me a bit sad because I knew that she really didn't need me and that this would have to stop soon. "So what are you doing this weekend?" her question pulled me from my thoughts. "Oh...um...I'm going to Mia's this weekend. We are going dress shopping for homecoming." "Oh, that should be fun. Is she your date for homecoming?" that made me sit up, "What? No...I mean she is coming with me but just as friends. We're just friends." I don't know why but that question made me a bit flustered. Sam wasn't looking at me but I thought I saw a smile cross her lips. "So where did you two meet? Since I know she's not from around here." This conversation felt a little awkward, "We met at camp after freshman year, been friends ever since. She only lives two hours away so we have tried to see each other as often as we can. She really helped me get through last year." Sam's smile faded a little. "I'm glad you had someone that could be there for you." Her voice had an edge of sadness to it.