escape

chapter five

Finally, 12:00 AM.

I can finally go home, sleep, and study. 

Kinda getting tired of this routine.
At this point it's just eat, sleep, study, work.

When will it be over?

"Suji take out the trash before you go." Says my boss. Oh well, I can add taking out the trash to my list.

I nod and look at the trash bags, there are only two small ones, maybe I can do it without smelling like trash tonight and with no cat scratches. I laugh.

"What's so funny?" It's Hayi.

"It's nothing." I smile and she just nods.
I take out the trash then start walking to the bus station.

I sit there waiting for my bus, which comes 10 minutes later.

I hear someone walking towards me.

It's 12:00 am, anyone could just come and kidnap me. What if they kill me? I mean, I want to die, but not like that..

I hold my bag tightly and i just look down.

The person stops at the station and I feel him staring at me..

Oh my god! Am i gonna die now?

A bus comes, but it's not the one i should take.
Should i just take it and runaway?

I keep panicking until I hear footsteps walking towards the bus, then I hear a "bye kid".

I look up, and it was Hayi.

I look at her from the windows of the bus while it drives off leaving me at the station pouting and alone.

Why am I pouting? Something about this girl just makes me feel like a total kid.

Couldn't she just say hi?

She was probably laughing at me for being so dumb.

"Stop thinking too much!" I facepalm myself.

5 minutes later, the bus arrives.

I go inside, but there aren't any stares. They're probably used to me smelling like trash by now.

I arrive home at 12:30 am, take a shower then go to the kitchen to look for food.

I'm hungry.. even though I'm on a diet, I can eat just a bit right..?

I mean, I have been working all night and I was in school.

One sandwich won't do anything. I can take pills to go to the bathroom after that. I nod to myself and i start making a sandwich.. which turned into two.. then three sandwiches.

I have been starving myself for so long, that i couldn't stop myself, and now I just feel so guilty.

I just want to cry, I want to throw up..

Why can't I even stick to a diet? Why can't I stop eating so much?
I just want to lose weight, I'll happier.. I'll feel better about myself.

I spend the rest of my night trying to throw up what I ate, "It'll feel better once it's all out" I say to myself.

Will it really feel better?

I clean myself up, and go to bed. It's already 3:00 am.

Two hours of sleep isn't that bad.
Better than nothing.
Even though it takes me an hour to actually fall asleep in the first place.

I close my eyes and try to think about happy things, I hoped I could have nice thoughts, but all I could think about is sad things.

Why can't I just be positive? I mean a lot of people have it worse and they smile.

I have no right to be sad when someone else who has it worse it trying to be happy. I can't be sad..

I'm happy.

"I'm happy..I'm  happy...I'm happy" I keep whispering to myself  "It's gonna be okay."

I woke up the next morning with red, swollen eyes, why did I have to cry before sleeping?

I really don't want anyone to ask, plus no one would care, so I'll just wash my face and hope it'll look better.

I wake up my little brother and make him breakfast, I change my clothes, do my hair and wait for Hani to finish eating.

"Goodmorning" I heard my mom saying.

She probably doesn't even want to see my face but I understand her..

"Morning" I mumble back. I want to apologize, but it's not the right time.

Not now, I cant just say sorry like that right?

It has to be meaningful.
I feel a hand pulling my sleeve and I look.

He's done with his food.

I clean up the dishes then wear my shoes and help Hani with his.

I take him to his daycare then start walking to school.

I arrive a bit late, so I apologize to the teacher and go in silently to sit in my place. Not that anyone would even notice me anyways.

They stare but they don't care, they just think I'm weird, I don't really matter to them, neither do they matter to me.

I never really considered myself a part of this class anyways.

I don't want to share anything with them
..
*flashback*

"Why aren't you going on the school trip Akuji? You're the only one in the class who won't go." My teacher asks.

"Ah, well then consider me not in this class. I'm not really apart of it anyways, so it doesn't matter" i say trying to act like i don't care.

No, I actually don't care.

"Maybe, if you would try getting close to them you'll finally be apart of this class. Maybe then you'll be more comfortable with them rather than hiding yourself in your own little bubble with Ayato."

"Maybe I - want to. Maybe I'm satisfied with what I have and don't need more friends. Plus, they don't want me."

"How do you know they don't want you?"

Is this teacher dumb or what? Isn't it obvious?

When someone talks shit about, you does it mean they love, or hate you?

When someone pushes you in the middle of the hall, does it mean they like you?

When someone calls you a bitch in the middle of the class and everyone laughs does that mean they want you?

When someone calls you names because you look different..what does that mean?

"Akuji..answer my question would you?"

"I don't care about them, I don't want them. I don't need them. I can be alone."  I say trying to hold back my tears.

"Is that really it? Maybe if you try to accept them they'll accept you back."

I look at him letting my tears fall down, it's not like I didn't try..

It's not like I didn't talk to them..

It's not like I judged them and blocked them out without trying to be friends with them in the first place..

"Can I go out?" I ask.

I didn't want to cry infront of him..

He sighs and nods, so I just run to the bathroom and lock it while staring at the mirror.

I look so ugly.

Why can't i just be normal like everyone else?

Why can't i just be accepted?

I really want to be apart of this class..

but I refuse to be apart of it if they don't accept me for me..

I don't care..

at the end of the day,

i'm used to,

being alone