Wind in our wings (On Hold)

[2]

It's crazy how your life can be turned upside down in a matter of seconds. It's almost like magic how you could have lived, infinity versions, of this and every other day. Therefore, you keep your head up high, force intense thought into every decision you make because one simple conclusion can affect your whole life.

Even the too tiny things. Like, waking up at 10 a.m., going to the gym then to the library and then back home; but what if you woke up at 8 a.m? You may have went to the gym then while going to the library there's a car accident on the road - which you haven't experienced in the 'waking up at 10' scenario. So we live each day, not really paying attention to the tiny details of it. And so we live and live and live every day making plans for a sure tomorrow and a certain future, but the thing is that tomorrow is everything but certain.

There is no tomorrow; not until you live it, but in that moment, anyway, is not called tomorrow but 'today'. There isn't even a yesterday because that belongs in the unchanged past that just happened and we are a hundred percent unable to mutate it.

After listening to the question that no parent knows how to answer to their child, I made myself think a little too much and be definite of the way I answer and the usage of my words.

"Baby." I take a deep breath with my eyes shut for a few seconds before opening them again revealing my son's colorful, curious pair of eyes, waiting rather impatiently for an answer.

"Please mom, can you tell me the truth? I think i'm old enough to know." I laugh at his words involuntarily as I take a tiny moment of my time to be completely certain of my precious son's age. He's ten. 

"Okay, well, your father," he nods, "is severly sick and that's why he is in the hospital all day until the doctors are a hundred and one percent sure of the treatment they should give to him." I pause studying my boy's beautiful face. He nods once again signalling me to continue talking. "your father, Theodore, has a disease called cancer. I am sure you've heard about it before as it is the most common disease nowadays. This disease created tumors that are a mass of cells closely packed together like a ball." Theodore stares at the distance for a few seconds with his brows clenched as he tries to understand before his chin moves down in a simple motion. "This ball prevents some organs to work properly, so the only way to promote the organs to work as they used to is to remove the tumor-"

"So why don't they remove it, already?" I sigh and shake my head. "If that thing is killing dad then why don't the doctors just remove it from his body? Then he will be alright." 

"Yes, honey. But when the tumor is extremely large then the removal of it may cause other problems."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, baby." I knew. 

"I'll go to sleep." Theodore says suddenly standing up from the couch and walking towards the stairs of the house. It's 7 p.m.

"Honey, it's only 7." I blurt out causing him to stop walking and turning towards me to reply with his hands tensed in fists.

"Who cares? Time isn't real, mom." 

Time isn't real. 

These ridiculously wise words coming from my ten year old son were stuck in my head throughout the whole day. Sitting down on the couch with the TV closed and a glass of wine in my hand I just stare at the black nothingness of the electrical box standing in front of me. Taking a sip of the blood red liquid, images of the holy day, Theodore came to life come crushing my brain. I remember holding Jace's hand throughout the whole delivery. I remember screaming from the pain squeezing my husband's hand as hard as I could. I remember Jace's melodic laugh and bright smile the moment, my little boy's body was brought out of me and into this world. 

"Look at our baby, baby."  

"He's so beautiful."

"He definitely looks like his mother." 

"I can't wait to go to baseball games with this little guy."

I remember Jace crying as I was holding our precious baby before he was taken by the nurses to clean him up. I remember the kiss Jace gave me the moment the nurse was out of the room with our boy. I remember how exhausted yet blissful I felt that day. I remember how it felt like the time has stopped. Time wasn't existing at that moment. We didn't care what time it was; what day. All we cared about was our baby boy and how blessed we felt.

A cold salty tear begins streaming down from my right eye to my cheek, then chin, then floor. More cold and salty tears start to fall following similar paths. I take another large sip of my wine emptying the glass before placing it on the table in front of me and taking off to go upstairs. I walk to Theodore's orange painted room and see him asleep in his bed under his Avengers bed covers. Stepping closer to him I plant a soft kiss on his forehead before smiling and leaving the room closing the door behind me. Stumbling on the wooden floor towards my and Jace's bedroom I check the time on the watch sitting around my left wrist.

1:00 a.m.

We visited Jace in the morning but the doctors didn't let us stay for the day not even go and pay a visit again for that day. They were been doing special tests and check-ups on him the whole day so,  us being there was just a huge weight on the doctors' shoulders.  Theodore has school tomorrow and I have my job so I try my best to create a schedule in my head. I set an alarm at 6 in the morning. I make a note mentally to go to the hospital at 2 after Theodore's school. I make another note to order lunch and dinner. The last note I make is to arrive at home at 9 p.m so that Theodore can take his full 8-9 hours of sleep.

And there I was, making plans about tomorrow doing calculations and increasing my expectations of a good day where time is relative and tomorrow may not even exist. But what can I do, in a world where tomorrow is said to be certain and time is real? The only thing I can do is live. 

Live for yourself.

But also, 

live for those who can't.

---

I finally updated! 

hope you enjoy :)

-M