Wind in our wings (On Hold)

[3]

The annoying though familiar noise of the alarm clock going off meets my ears causing my brain to jerk me awake. Tilting my face to the left towards the clock I check the time. It's 6:01 a.m. Closing my eyes for a few seconds I calculate the hours of sleep I got concluding to approximately two. I let out a deep sigh.

Touching the bed's sheets on my left I acknowledge the absence of my husband. His side is empty. I continue feeling the soft velvety texture of the light blue sheets. Taking a deep breath I force my body to sit up on the bed, immediately feeling a headache approaching.

The room begins to spin as my vision becomes blurry causing me to close my eyes and take a deep breath. Opening my eyes again my vision turns back to clear and I stand up feeling the cold wood on my bare feet. Putting my hair into a casual ponytail I begin walking out of the room and towards Theodore's.

Opening silently the door I move in my little boy's room who is fast asleep, the bed sheets nowhere on him as he is laying on top of them. Letting out a small laugh followed by a smile I walk to the window and slide the curtains away from the window before opening it instantly feeling the cold breeze of the morning hit my face.

"Theodore, honey." I speak approaching him. I gently squeeze his shoulder before kissing his smooth forehead. He moves slightly before opening his eyes slowly. "Hi baby. You gotta get ready for school." Theodore sits up on the bed placing his back on the wall behind him.

"I just saw a nightmare." Theodore's voice is low and quite sad. I sit on the bed beside him and touch his cold hands.

"Really, baby?" I ask taking in his beautiful face. His nose reminds me of Jace. I swipe his sweaty hair from his forehead as he begins to speak again.

"I saw that we were at the hospital to see dad and all the machines began beeping so loud and then suddenly they stopped." My baby's eyes begin to turn wet, as I understand where the nightmare is going.

"Honey, I need you to be strong through this battle that your father is fighting." My voice is gentle as I touch Theo's chubby cheeks. He nods.

I make Theodore's and I's breakfast after feeding our Labrador called Max, before sitting on one of the stools of our kitchen waiting for my boy to get dressed before coming downstairs. Taking a sip of my coffee I hear footsteps running down the stairs and my son is approaching me.

He sits down and begins eating. I let him know that we will go visit dad after school and how I will have lunch ready so we can eat in the car on our way to the hospital. He asks about his homework and I ensure him that we will do it once we get home.

I tell him that my friend, Nancy, will be coming over this afternoon so we can have dinner together and that she will be staying with us for the rest of the week to take care of us.

We finish our breakfast, and I place the empty plates in the sink as I make a mental reminder to wash them later today.

"Morning prayer?" I say before walking to our prayer room with my son. I bring a candle to life before we both kneel down in front of the big cross places on the wall. Placing my hands together and closing my eyes, my son starts talking.

"Lord, thank you for what you

have given me and my family.

Thank you for the food on our

plates and water in our glasses.

Thank you for a roof above our

heads and unconditional love."

He stops and I continue.

"Please, our Lord up in heaven,

full fill us with your love and

acceptance. Please, let us be well

following your word. Please keep

my son and husband healthy and

happy. No matter is your decision

on Jace's wellness, please let us

accept it as you know best and

your work should not be

questioned, in Jesus's name,

Amen."

Taking a deep breath me and Theo stand up before putting together our first three right fingers and creating a cross from our face to shoulders and stomach. We leave the room and close the door behind us.

"What if God wants dad?" Theodore asks taking me by surprise. I take a moment to think before answering.

"Then we shall accept it." I say though I don't know if I can accept it. I don't know how strong I will be if God chooses to take Jace away from us. I don't know if I'm going to be a good mother.

"It's unfair." My son's voice is shaky. He starts walking to the main door and I follow unable to talk as I am taken by surprise. Grabbing my keys and bag I move out of the house and Theo follows me before getting in my car.

The ride to the school is silent; the only noise is the radio and the car's engine. After a few minutes of driving we finally make it to the school. Pulling over I open my mouth to speak.

"I want to take you somewhere during the weekend." I blurt out turning around to watch my son in the backseat. His seatbelt is off and he stares at me with surprise. "Wanna go to an amusement park or something?" I ask smiling. My son smiles too.

"Yes, that sounds good." He answers before I nod. He comes to me and kisses my cheek before opening the car door to get out. "Love you." He says.

"Love you baby, take care." I reply and wave my son goodbye. I watch Theo walking to the building by the car's mirror before bringing the car back to life and begin driving.

I could never imagined that my life would turn upside down like it did. The past years of my marriage were the best years of my life. Theodore is the best gift I would have ever asked for. I find myself being so incredibly thankful with what I have but also a quite complaining part of myself.

I can't believe that cancer knocked on our door and got into out household.

Expectation shouldn't be something the brain makes. You think your life is perfect and that nothing can take your happiness away, but then something unexpected happens and you are taking by complete surprise.

You say "oh that'll never happen to me" but nobody knows. We may die tomorrow and we would have no idea.

Life is unexpected.

So the best thing you can do is live without expectations.

Even if it's the hardest thing to do.

—

{Unedited}
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Take care
-M