When fear strikes

Chapter 1 - Fear

It's been two days since Barry first opened his eyes after that fight with Zoom. Well, fight was kind of a big word since the word usually involves couple of people battling each other out. What happened with Zoom was just a one-sided beat down of the century, a total fiasco. Barry never thought it could be possible to be demolished so harshly, physically and mentally, and survive. For the last two days, where he spend most of it silently watching the ceiling, laying on the bed with his now useless body, he surprised himself thinking that maybe he should've died during that fight.

He woke up thankful to be alive, surprised but thankful, that Caitlin was able to save his life. He thought for sure he was going to die when Zoom was dangling him in front of his friends, stabbing him with his clawed-fingers. Waking up again wasn't expected, but Barry sure was grateful for it. That was until he realized there was no feelings under his hips. He tried to punch his legs as hard as he could, pinched them, but he couldn't feel a thing, not a damn thing. Barry Allen might have survived the fight, but The Flash died in it. To be fair, after being humiliated and dragged around like a doll, it was probably for the best that he could never put the uniform again. How was he supposed to get back on the street after that? The city knew he was a useless hero, a fraud.

Barry didn't want to imagine what his life would be like now. He didn't want to be a burden, didn't want to be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Caitlin wasn't ready to give up on hope and on him, she was staying optimist it was just a question of time before he was going to heal. Optimist, that's all it was. Barry didn't want to have false hope about it. Not until someone could assure him he was going to get the feelings back in his legs ever again, something Caitlin couldn't do. Everyone was going to treat him differently from now on, he couldn't deal with it. During the past two days, he's been as shut-off as he's ever been, faking to sleep or just staring at the ceiling during the conversations about how they could adapt If he was to stay paralyzed for the rest of his life. Cisco even took out the old Eobard's wheelchair out of storage, hoping to get his best friend out of bed would make him feel better, but the sight of it only made it worse.

As the day went by, pain started to grow in his back, it was uncomfortable to say the least. Shifting in bed was a tough thing to do when you were paralyzed, but it was also making the feeling worse. For a second, he considered asking Caitlin for help rolling him on his stomach to ease the pressure, but his pride was against it. He couldn't bring to call for help, being all alone in the lab at this moment, just to get himself being moved around like a newborn.

Barry uselessly dug his nails in his legs, trying to concentrate on anything other than the feelings in his back, in the growing pain. There was another sensation appearing he couldn't quite put his finger on. Unless, could it be? Frantically, he pushed his nails deeper and got an answer, the one he was expecting. Pain, pain in his legs.

For the first second, his body froze, his mind slowly catching up with the sensation, catching up with what was happening right now. His breathing ad heartbeat paces were picking up. Was that real? Barry's eyes were starting to feel wet. He just wanted to cry out of happiness, he just wanted to let the hope flowing in. Was that mean he was going to heal completely and walk again? Run again?

Barry took a deep breath and wiped the tears in the corner of his eyes before calling out to his friends:

''Guys! Come here, fast!''

Barry just needed to tell them the great news. For the first time since the fight, he was all up for more test and talk about working on a plan to get him back on his feet. He turned his head around, searching for his friends. Last he saw them, Caitlin was walking Joe and Iris out of the cortex, discussing the changes, or lack of, with Barry's health issues.

''Caitlin! Cisco!''

It suddenly struck him like a runaway train, his mind flashed back to his fight with Zoom, punches hitting him one after another, too fast to be seen, even from him. Pain exploding in back, blinding pain, agony like he never felt before and like he never wanted to feel again. All the rest of the fight was lost in a blur of pain, being dragged all over the city. The only clear memory of that night after the moment Zoom broke his back was when the monster stabbed him in the stomach.

He couldn't dare to hope walking again for the last two days, and now that feelings were coming back to his dead limbs, a fear even bigger than never walking again started to grow. The fear of facing that monster again. The fear of being destroyed again, the fear of suffering that much again. He couldn't do it again, he wasn't going to. Never, never again. He couldn't go back at being the Flash and risk ever facing Zoom. How was he going to tell his friends?

He could already imagine the deception in their eyes. He was a hero, hero don't quit. How was he going to look his friends in the eyes after telling them he decided to stop being a hero and hang the suit? What were the options? Pushing his luck until Zoom cross his path again and die in the most horrible way possible or face the look of everyone he cares about when that black demon was going to destroy everything while Flash would be standing on the side and watching. What was Iris going to write about? Barry could only imagine what her next articles could be like:

''The Flash lives...and he doesn't care''

Or:

''Flash lives and he decided that naaahhh screw it''

Or:

''The Flash survived the fight and he's not the hero everyone hoped''

They wouldn't understand, his friends, family, the citizen of Central City, no one would. Or that's how Barry's stubborn mind kept on telling him. Part of his scientist, analytics, brain was trying to overthink the whole situation. Was all that thinking even rational or it was just his fear of the black speedster talking. Unless it was his guilt trying to rationalize the possibility of keeping the secret. Maybe it was best for everyone if they just didn't know about his progress. Iris, Joe, Caitlin, Cisco...all of them were already thinking ahead of ways to keep living with Barry's new condition. Maybe, just maybe, it would be best to keep the secret. Eobard did it. Hopefully, Caitlin would soon give up on hope and on searching ways to get Barry's feelings back. Someone else was eventually going to step up to Zoom, right? Why would Barry have to be the one stopping Zoom? He had a life to live, the world had no right to decide what he could and couldn't do.

''Barry, Barry!''

''What' wrong buddy?'

His thoughts were interrupted by his friends entering the medical bay. Worriedly looking at him, peering at his tense features, his rapid vitals. Caitlin eyes going back and forth between her patient and all the instruments lying around in the lab, ready to jump into action to help ease any discomfort and distress her friend was feeling right now.

''I ...I...''

Barry was stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. Whatever he was going to decide, it needed to be now and there was no going back from it. If the decision was to tell the truth, there was no returning to not feeling a thing. But if he was going to take the other road, that road was as slippery as anything you could imagine. One you start into a lie, you can only bury yourself deeper into it. It was now or never.

''I just....I just had a nightmare and when I woke up alone, I thought Zoom had you too.''

He was hoping his vitals would match his words, his lie. Barry lowered his head, ashamed. He felt like a traitor, part of his mind was feeling sick for lying like that to his friends, his best friends who've been worried sick since the fight. What was he supposed to do?

Caitlin put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him, thinking his reaction was all related to his lie.

''Don't worry about it Barry, go back to sleep. We're there, we're fine. Everything will be better tomorrow.''

''Yeah man, don't worry, we're not going anywhere.''

Yeah, tomorrow...tomorrow was going to be another lie. If he could walk, run, speed away, right now, he would. He would run as fast as possible and stay hidden 'til the end of times to avoid facing everyone, to avoid the shame of the lies. Barry simply nodded and sank on the pillow, pretending to go back to sleep.