Take This Life / Daniel Ricciardo

Chapter 13

If panic attacks, mentions of suicide, all that dark bad stuff triggers you, do NOT read it. You've been warned.

My sleep didn't last for too long, I got suddently woke up by feeling totally terrible. I was completely lost of breath, my head was insanely spinning, I really had no idea what was happening. I couldn't form any thought in my head besides feeling like I was gonna suffocate and how I hated this feeling.

I decided that I needed some fresh air, so I tried really hard to get up. But it wasn't easy cause I was feeling totally powerless, weak, like I was going to fall down every minute. Every muscle was shaking like an earthquake, I didn't know what I was seeing.

But after some minutes of trying to do that, whilst still trying to calm down, I got up and got to the window. I opened the window widely and sticked out my head, still shaking uncontrollably. I was slowly exhaling and inhaling the fresh cool midnight air, hoping that would help.

One inhale, two exhale, three inhale, four exhale... And repeat...

Unfortunately it didn't at all cause I started to feel like there was something, someone behind me.

I tried to close my eyes and concentrate on my ragged breathing which got now only worse cause of the feeling. I was really going insane. Was there someone behind me? I didn't know anymore, I'd never been like this bad ever before. I decided to check that and with a really slow and shaky movement, just to make sure if I was the one going insane.

As I looked, there was nothing, but the feeling was still there. I started to panick even more, feeling even more sick with every minute, not understanding what was even happening.

When I closed my eyes, everytime I saw my dad's face. That was the moment when I totally got numb, confused, paranoid, even more scared. Each time I closed my eyes, I saw him. But why?

I really didn't know how to stop this feeling. With each moment I was feeling like I was dying, like there was no air in me and his face each time I closed my eyes. I fell down to the floor, feeling completely hopeless and powerless. I hugged my knees sobbing uncontrollably while shaking even more.

With each minute I was feeling like I was even closer to passing out and nothing was helping, it was only getting worse. I started to scream, hopelessly hoping it would make everything go away, stop finally, but it didn't, so I only continued to do that.

My mind was clouded with many thoughts that I wasn't able to understand, it was spinning and racing. And then not really knowing what I was even doing, I grabbed my phone that was laying hopefully near me, so I didn't have to move when I was scared of everything in that moment.

With really shaking hands and vision clouded with my tears escaping my eyes, I searched for Daniel's number. I was dumb probably for calling him at that hour and hoping he would be still in the UK and even up, but I didn't really know what to do else. I was going insane.

I called his number and waited, sobbing heavily. No one had answered. So I tried once again, once again, still nothing. Before giving up, I sent him a text that should have said something around "please help me".

As I was waiting hopefully for the answer, nothing came and I only got worse.

I was feeling even more sick, scared, anxious, panicked, paranoid than ever before. I really wanted to end that feeling, to escape from it, but I didn't know what to do. Then I thought about it - jumping of that window. Maybe it would end feeling that and I would be feeling peaceful?

I started punching my fist against the wall hoping it would stop everything. I wasn't even feeling any pain that it was causing me, so I was punching as hard as I could before I suddenly passed out.

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Beeping of a machine suddenly woke me up. My whole body was in the constant pain, so I didn't dare to move or even open my eyes. I smelt something sterile? Hold on, was I in the hospital? The smell and beeping would show that. But how?

I groaned loudly and decided to slowly open my eyes. Well, I started to regret that cause once I opened them, I immediately closed them as fast as I noticed a really bright light. Yep, I was in hospital. Yikes. I must have passed out or something but who then found me?

As I groaned, I heard and felt something or someone steering next to me. Well, that was even more interesting coz I really didn't who it was and why. Daniel was supposed to be somewhere else, right? Ugh, I didn't remember anything.

"Is there anyone here?" I croaked, immediately feeling my throat was dry, but still with closed eyes.

"Yeah, I'm here, Jo. God bless, you finally woke up." I recognized that voice - it was Christian's. "How are you feeling? What happened?" He started asking, sounding quite concerned and tired.

I lost my breath for a second here. He was there. But why and how? I tried to calm myself and slowly open my eyes.

As I opened them, I saw Christian sitting on the chair on my right. He was looking tired, like he hadn't slept in a long time. Behind him I saw bunch of flowers in the glass and someone's clothes. Next to me, right in front of Christian, there was a big monitor with my heart rate. Oh, how fantastic. As I looked at my body, I saw multiple wires coming from my chest and bunch from my hands. Well, my right hand was also in a white bandage. I tried to remember why it was in it and after a minute I remembered - I was punching it.

"Eh, I don't know, everything hurts." I said, barely looking at him while he took my injured hand in his.

"Daniel called me in the middle of the night that was something happening and he couldn't call you. Then I rushed into your place and found you unconsious with a hand in blood and..." he stuttered slightly. "And it turned out you almost had a heart attack."

I blinked few times whilst looking at Christian and his face - he looked like he was about to cry. I didn't really know what to say, really. I immediately started to feel guilty and bad as I saw him silently crying.

I squeezed his hand gently and spoke softly. "Hey, it's everything alright, don't cry."

"But... but... you're almost like my family, just like your dad was. Thought we lost you." he said. I didn't really know what to say about that. Was I shocked? Yes.

"But I'm alright now. I'm sorry, Christian." I said, trying to get up to give him a hug. After slightly struggling, I managed to sit and leaned to Christian. I gave him a weak hug as I wasn't able to do more.

"Thank you, Johnny." he said after he hugged back. "Anyways, when you were sleeping, the doctor came in. Apparently you have to stay there for tomorrow and have lots of pills prescribed."

"So that means I can go back to work, right?" I asked him, quite surprised after the news.

He nodded his head. "But on one condition that you won't be alone and have someone by your side most of time." This time I nodded my head.

"Anyways, I have to go back now. I'm glad you woke up and you're alright." he got up and gathered his things. "I heard that in the afternoon Daniel would come there, so you can go back to sleeping for now."

I nodded my head and waved at him as he was leaving the room. "Bye, Johnny, see you in few days."

As the pain had tired me a lot and I didn't really know what to do, I decided to head back to sleeping. I didn't really know what the time was, but hopefully I would get a bit of sleep before I would get visitors.

--------author's note------

the first part was quite difficult to write, so the chapter's quite short, sorry about that.