adopted by demi lovato

Relapse?

*demis p.o.v *  Trigger warning

What Marrisa just told me has got to be one of the worst moments in my life, and I've had a view. When I heard those words my whole world shattered.  How can such a beautiful,  perfect little girl be going through something like this.  Why can't she just see what I see.

I ran to the to the bathroom and sat on the seat I felt sick physically sick.Just thinking about what I was going to say to Lily and if I would be able to help her resulted in me throwing open the toilet lid. Before I could stop myself it came pouring out. It felt... good.It was weirdly addictive I needed to do it again.. and so I did. 2 fingers went down my throat and that lunch I just ate was floating in the water I got up and flushed the loo.

In that moment it was like my recovery had never happened. I felt like all that time I had spent getting better was gone and I was just tramsported back to when this was normal to me. It still felt normal and that should be terrifying but it wasn't.  Throwing up was the only way I had learnt how to deal with things and thd only thing (other than cutting) that made me feel better.

I reflected on my previous thoughts, sat on the toilet lid and burst into tears. WHY THE HELL DID I JUST DO THAT now all I could feel was regret.I just wasted all that time I had spent in recovery.  The thought u just had were terrifying,  I was slipping into old habits again. No I cant let this happen, I have to fight this. 

I closed my eyes and  strocked my leg with my hand when something sharp pricked me. An old blade. I got it out and started fingering the sides it was so tempting. Surly not, i had only just said how i was going to fight this so why did the thought of dragging that shiny metal seem so appealing to me. I mean whats the worst that could happen? Yeh I might have a little scar for a while but I feel better in the long run, right?

With that I had made up my mind. I lifted my sleeve amd drew an invisible line with my finger. I put the blade on the line and dug a little than I pulled the blade the rest of the way along that line. Before i knew it the blood started flowing and gave me that familiar sensation that I knew all to well. The sensation I had been craving, the sensation that I once depended on. The sensation that made me... happy.

I cant describe fully how it make me feel. I just know its a good feeling. Its like all that built up anger and sadness I have had inside me can be let out with one quick and simple swipe. It was like an instant weight was lifted of my shoulders and I loved it, but at the same time hated it. Do you know what I mean?

"Demi!" I heard marrisa call. Quickly I cleaned the blade and slipped it into my purse. Saying goodbye to it but I was almost positive that wasn't the last time.  Now that I had reminded myself how good it felt I dont think I could deprive myself of that. I pressed some tissue on the cuts and 'flushed' the toilet again. Trying to make it believable to Marissa that I had been simply using the toilet.

Im not going to tell Marrisa about my relapse. Why? Because I dont want help. I want this little secret to be purely mine. Something I can do alone behind lock doors. I dont want anyone to know. This isn't for attention or a cry for help. Its a pain reliever.  It was kinda like my own pain killer. An alternative paracetamol.Just a much more addictive and potentially deadly.

I walked out the toilet to see Marrisa staring at me. Disappointment evident in her eyes.I knew that she knew because she even spoke "Demi.No demi u did'nt, tell me you didn't" that didn't mean I was going to tell her though. I need this and she wont understand that, she doesn't understand that.

"Of cource not" I giggled trying to brush it off as nothing. Not that Marissa was stupid she could quite clearly see through my lies. This is really not what i need right now.

"Your eyes demi. They're red and blood shot" She told me in a whisper as her own eyes began to swell up. Now I was starting to feel guilty.  When you are in a moment like that you become slefish. All you can think is how good it feels to you and you forget to think about how it migjt feel for everyone else. Atleast thats how it is for me.

"Ive been crying a little thats all" I lied easily.  I had been doing it for ages, lying I mean. It was kinda second nature for me. It came naturally and easily.  "Come on we better get back to lily" I told her with a sence of ergency thankful for the excuse to leave. That didn't mean Marissa was going to drop it though. In fact I was almost certain she wouldn't.

As we left the building and I thought over everything that had happened I couldn't hide the  tiny smike that spread across my mouth. I cant believe she believed my lies, you would think she would know im a lier by now. It was that easy and that only made me happier. Knowing i wouldn't have to force myself to stop. As long as she doesn't see the cuts everything will be fine and with that we were off.

(A/N: hello wonderful, lovely beautiful chums how have you been? You doing good? I am! Although I had a run in with the guy who used to 'bully' me and he proceed to do it again today I still feel happy. No Idea why. Anyway if any of you want to talk to me about bullying than you can find me here:

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Also any phan (dan and phil) or troyler (Tyler and troye) shippers here? If there are than you should read my new book: Alone. Go on to my profile and you will see it there