Thoughts from a Clouded Brain

I'm Not Depressed (denial)

You aren't depressed!

YES. I am.

You're always so happy!

Not on the inside.

You're always smiling!


But it physically hurts me to pretend.

You're so energetic!

I sleep all of the time.

There's no way you're depressed.

I want to hit you. And punch you.

Maybe somehow you will be able to feel

the pain that I feel

all of the time and

none of the time

simultaneously.

I am empty.

The constant fight I have with myself.

No. Don't hurt yourself,

and

Yes. You have a problem,

and

Yes. You deserve to get better.

I am torn apart. I can't move. I might explode.

You have no idea.

I'm going to scream.

I can't look at you without wanting to scream.

Or run.

Or cry.

I don't expect you to understand.

But I do expect you to be a friend.

But I can't even call you that anymore.

It makes me sick.

I already feel like I shouldn't be like this.

I already feel like I don't deserve

to get better.

And you don't help.

I want to cry

but I can't

I want to scream

but I won't

I feel empty.

And you don't help.

I can't even trust myself and my own thoughts.

How do you expect me to trust you?

You think this is easy?

I feel lost in my own brain.

My words are caught in my throat.

I can't breathe.

I feel so full of nothing that I might explode.

And I'm not depressed.

I'm always so happy.

I'm always smiling.

I'm so energetic.

There's no way I'm depressed.

I don't need to get better if there's nothing wrong

Nothing's wrong

Smiling

Waiting

Hoping

Nothing's wrong

It's all a disguise

Nothing's wrong

I'm fake.

I'm fine